Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 06/03/2013

We have a small grief support group at our church which has been wonderful. We eat out together once a month and usually we laugh a lot and only touch on our sadness a little bit. It has been almost a year since we first organized.

One of the men has expressed an interest in doing some fun things with me like going out to eat or riding some interesting places, etc. I feel no attraction to this man (romantically) and I think it's mutual. We went together for the first time to dinner last Friday night. We talked so comfortably and both of us reviewed in detail our spouses illness and death details. It felt SO good to talk with someone who KNOWS what it feels like. He said he is so lonely, so very lonely, and just wants to have some companionship. I feel the same way. He says no one really understands except those of us who have been widowed. I'm so glad for this new friend. It was fun to walk into a restaurant with a gentlemen by my side, and we had some fun conversation. That's all I want and it made me happy. Anyone else have this happen?

jewells1 06/03/2013

Awe, you found a wingman. :)
Enjoy.

Scouserboots 06/03/2013

Thank you for sharing.

It mus be so good to actually connect with someone that understands you in the world outside of this support group. To talk openly and to listen to someone else who is on this journey. Support like that is so important. I hope you continue to get the support you both need from each other.

I have been out for lunch with someone that lost their spouse over eight years, a very good friend of my wife. It was so nice actually talk, and again to listen to someone that is on this journey.

NewRoadsForMe 06/03/2013

I've been a widow for 3 and a half years and this is the first time I have actually had the opportunity to enjoy a friendship with another widowed person.

papagena 06/03/2013

I am pleased you found someone who understands what it is like. Companionship is important. I hope he will continue to be a support for you.

Bar this group, I know absolutely no one in my situation. I live in a large metropolis and there must be some widow/ers groups but I could not find any.

Enjoy!

Shrn 06/03/2013

I had this happen for me also. It was the brother of a highschool classmate and although there was no romantic connection he was so important to helping me adjust to life without my husband. His wife died the day after Don and we meet three years later. We socialized for almost a year before our life took different directions. Enjoy your new friend. Sharon

Nicker07 06/03/2013

I recently had my Son in laws dad who lost his wife well it will be 1 year July 4th. We began as a family snowmobiling and doing things. He is nice not my type as they say but he felt it was nice to have someone OUR age amongst our kids functions to be around.

Than he began wanting to hold hands and put his arm around me.
It was strange it had only been 7 months since loss of his wife, I felt it was disrespectful (altho' that was my thoughts) and I was not interested in having any relationship period. AND with him being my daughters FIL that was weird. SO I lost him as a friend but it was the right thing to do. He came and helped me out with things at my place with my SIL now I lost that help also. DARN IT but that's ok too.

I think its neat to find someone who you can share dinners, movies doing things without being pushed somewhere you do not want to go. I think its neat.

cliffskat 06/03/2013

I'm glad you've found a friend to share some company - that's great! Widowed at 50, I had nobody in any of my circles who was widowed. I had my counselor, my sister, and DS. Of course, here is where I met Acuriousfish. We began merely as friends and penpals. I do think it was crucial for me to have someone who understood what I was experiencing and yet could appreciate me for ME. I don't think I could ever have seriously contemplated a relationship with someone who didn't understand my loss. Heck, I had to drop a number of friends over that!

And Kathleen, I know you are providing much needed friendship for the fellow, too. It's often difficult for the widowers because women come out of the woodwork at them when they are not ready for anything either!

Have fun!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

sandeestttn 06/03/2013

thats all you need, companionship.....

I tried befriending a widower, (my son in laws father)... I have never been touched so much in my life..... Just thought two widow/ers could go out to eat together, help with loniness. no way.......

jewells1 06/04/2013

Mine was similar to other tries here. One movie / festival and then almost demanding sex. Ridiculous, the other was nice but also talking sexual needs shortly and saying I should be needing "some" too by now.. Both times I paid my own way and it was understood that it's just to share an activity. I try not to get jaded. I told one, " I would need the whole package, the romance and feelings , the falling in love before sex would ever be a part of it." Both knew me for many years, even back to high school. So are aware of the past abuse I have been through. It really harmed more than helped. It has been so long with my husband, that the world seems almost too weird to try. Where are the Sir Gallahads of this world?

papagena 06/04/2013

We might have to settle for Sir Percival instead ;)

deleted_user 06/04/2013

A couple of months ago I met a gentleman and he was most definitely that, ask me out for dinner and to a casino. I said why not if anything its companionship. It was a 45min ride to the casino each way so we struck up a nice conversation to and from. I also found he was a widower for 2 1/2yrs. To make a long story short, when he took me back home he said he had a good time and would like to go out again and at the time I said sure we can do that. Well I thought about it some time later and decided I wasn't ready not even for companionship and of the chance it can go further. So if you feel you can be with someone just to be a companion its totally your choice as you know where your heart is on this.

NewRoadsForMe 06/04/2013

When I was leaving his house (after our dinner at the restaurant), I had gotten into the car, rolled down the window to finish saying goodbye and he reached into the car and hugged me. It kind of took me back. It was just a hug, but it scared me. I am very scared of men. From my lifetime of experiences in relationships, the majority were not honest or trustworthy. This is sad to me, and it makes me extra cautious (yes, afraid) to let anyone into my private life. We'll see how it goes. BTW, however, my precious Joe was the man I always wanted and believed was out there somewhere. He was, for 16 years. I'm 67 so that means I've lived a bunch of my life without that kind of precious relationship.

mel40 06/04/2013

I think the company of another widower sounds safer than the companionship of someone who is divorced. The risk is there, but the risk was plausible when we met out spouses and dated them. Do you think we are still "damaged" by the loss and that's what makes us hesitant? It sounds like so many are hesitant... I've never had a problem with letting anyone know what my boundaries are. But, I would be hesitant to try dating, because of the risk of rejection or being hurt on top of the loss of my husband. And then there is the risk to my kids. I know how kids respond to their parent dating... They also have hurt following their dads death. Just made me think, I guess I do that alot now. We invested alot into our relationships and didn't want to damage the love we had. But, the only reason we had that love is because we were willing to risk in the beginning. (Must be too soon for me. He he)

papagena 06/04/2013

Well said Mel40. But there is something else to be taken in consideration too, in my opinion that is. I feel age is also an important factor, I mean for my age group (60s) not obviously for everyone on this forum. When one is young, we had the "innocence", the enthusiasm and the lack of fear of youth.

I am very far from thinking about dating myself, if ever, but I do understand the reticence of an older person, probably because we know more, are more aware of danger and unpleasantness. I hope you understand what I mean, or am I rambling?

I feel it needs a lot of courage to attempt something new particularly when we know it is not risk free.

marjoe 06/04/2013

I've gotta weigh in on this. First, Jewel, you made me lol! Mel, I understand what you're saying, but - as a 28 year old, I made that leap into marriage like "Wheee!!! As a 57 year old widow, not quite the same. I tend to err on the side of paranoia, lol. Kathleen, I go out on Saturday afternoons to a local bar/restaurant - the same place I slash we have been going for 18 years. A whole bunch of regulars, and among them, widows/widowers (who outnumber the widows 2 to 1), some remarried, some not. All crazy, in a good way. The subject of our losses has come up many times, and Lord, does it feel good to vent and talk. So, yes, I get it. There's a short cut, right to the chase, that doesn't happen with a lot of others.

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