Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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So when does it get better?

raininseattle
raininseattle

by: Maryalene LaPonsie          Link: LINK


When does it get better? Ha! I’m quite certain this is a trick question. I’m three years in, and I’ve decided…

It never gets better.

The person you love never comes back.

The person you were never comes back.

The life you thought you had is gone forever.

So horribly uplifting and positive, right? (I might possibly be having a bad week.)

It doesn’t get better, but it does get bearable.

So now that I’ve given that depressing overview of widowhood, let me offer a little hope to those of you who are in the thick of grief. Those of you who maybe just lost your loved one. Those of you who wake up short of breath and in disbelief. Those of you who can’t imagine another 10, 20, 30 or more years of this.

To you I say:

The fog will lift and the pain will be horrendous, but it will recede.

You will sleep through the night again.

Color will come back into the world.

You will stop crying every day and part of you will hate that, but you will also be grateful.

The day will come when you wake up excited to be alive.

You will start making plans for the life you want rather than reacting to the one handed to you.

You will live and enjoy and thrive. Not just endure.

And you will carry your love in your heart forever.

Nothing – not even time – will make him disappear. He might fade; he might turn into a memory that visits you in dreams, but he’ll be there. I have yet to meet a widow who says they forgot, no matter how many years pass.

Everyone’s timeline is different, but I promise you won’t be in that black place forever. I promise.

faintofheart
faintofheart
Sounds encouraging but hard to believe since my loss was 3 months ago
rajik
rajik
It is going to be two years very soon. It is still so hard. Two years ago at this time he was in the hospital unconscious already for 6 days. Another 8 or 9 days later he was gone .. Without gaining consciousness. It had all happened so suddenly on a beautiful weekend . And suddenly it had happened. His speech did not make sense. Called 911. Soon after reaching hospital they gave him something for the headache he was having and he slipped into unconsciousness and was in that state for 15 days. Did not get a chance to say anything to him - to tell him what he meant to me. My life changed. Big big hole in my life. I still go over that last day in my mind almost daily. When will I come out of this state? This feeling of hopelessness. I go out, meet friends. Remind myself daily of how I should be grateful for all that I still have in my life. Still that empty feeling in the pit of stomach remains.. I am never at peace.. Waiting for release from this prison
Norske1
Norske1
Thank you for this amazing post, You are exactly right. My husband has been gone a little over 4 years and this has been me. I know Al would want me to live life, not stop living. It is so hard. Someone told me to think of it like when you get into your car The rear view mirror is small but the windshield is big. Remember the past but embrace the future.
raininseattle
raininseattle
bump
pattirose731
pattirose731
I'm 9.5 years in. It took me 3 years just to admit to myself that I really was OK. 6 years in, I decided I wanted to date, hoping to meet the right man and be in love again. Well, two years ago I DID! He is also a widower, only 3.5 years into his journey. We are engaged and I have the happiness that I missed out on during my turbulent 36-year marriage. While I loved my late husband, we weren't happy (long story), I used to think that it only gets 'bearable' too, but now I know that it really CAN get 'better'. My goal here now is to offer encouragement to others.
koxemetaf
koxemetaf
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rozzie
rozzie
I'm living almost 6 years after the loss of my Morey. Like all of you.....I'm still in disbelief. It happened so quickly. He went to go to the bathroom and had a massive stroke while sitting on the toilet. No sound, no warning, no nothing. I noticed he had been in the bathroom for a very, very long time. I went to the door and called his name......no response.....I thought, he fell asleep. Oh! Brother! I knocked on the door, called his name again and nothing. I opened the door and he stared back at me from his seated position and said nothing. Then, as if someone had snapped their fingers to awaken him, he asked me to leave. I closed the door and went to our bedroom. When I walked back to the bathroom he was laying on the floor. I called 911 and the nightmare began.

He was taken to the hospital and never returned home after 4 weeks. He had had a stroke in his central nervous system which rendered him unable to use his legs, speech confusion and slowly he withered away!

He was a devout vegetarian and even in his poor state of health refused to eat anything "animal" related........this mindset contributed to his death, of this there is no question.