Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm at 8 months of losing my wonderful husband to brain cancer. Instead of it getting better, it's worse. At first I tried to keep busy...went out with friends and family, took classes, joined a women's group and a hospice group. These things are fading now, as they couldn't come close to filling the lonely void i felt. Winter gloom has been the pits. I'm so lonely and have such a feeling of pointlessness of my life. I have no children only step sons and family that we were never very close with. There's contact, but more dutiful than caring. I am close with my brother and SIL but they have a full life and are an hour away. I have one close friend here, but she's the one to get me out doing things, but not one I can be bluesy with and talk to about my feelings. And one close friend that I CAN talk to and do everyday , but she is several,states away. So in a way, I'm quite alone. My husband and I spent all of our time together and he was my soulmate and very best friend. I am just lost without him. I am getting so tired of fighting to do things, stay busy and all, but if I don't, I can fall into depression but even more, into anxiety. I can't stand to be alone even for a day. The anxiety will build and build. I'm 67 and feel so anxious about a future of 10 to 15 years with nothing but these terrible feelings of loneliness and anxiety. I'm so tired of it! I wake up to it everyday. I just don't know how I can keep going and for what? Why can't we all live into at least our late 70's or 80's with our spouses like most people will do?why does it have to be like this? I'm so tired of it! How do all of you cope?
I have a cat and until two weeks ago and I had my husband's dog. I had to have him put down, so I've took a few steps back because I miss that little dog so much. I'm slowly getting back to where I was.
I'm starting my fourth year and I'm dealing with things better than I was the first two years. I'm trying to get involved with an Art Gallery at the local college in town, but I don't know if that is going to pan out. I have a circle of friends that I stay in contact with and go out to eat with.
One thing that might set me apart from others is that I don't mind being alone. One those special day such as anniversaries and birthdays, I would rather be by myself. I've also taken up feeding three feral cats in my neighborhood. They came to me by one of them looking in my window the day after I had my dog put down. I began feeding the ONE and the next thing I knew, I had three.
Take care and I hope you find ways to cope that help you.
Nessie from KY
I was 70 when my husband died 5 yrs. ago, and I felt my life had no purpose. For me, trying to have peaceful days (one at a time) was more beneficial than thinking of long years alone in the future. If you can think of a few positive things in your life each day (home, reliable vehicle, a good friend etc.) focus on those. Sometimes volunteer work helps us focus on the needs of others, rather than our own. Just a once-a-week hour or 2 can give a lift at times. I am a Christian and my faith has sustained me through the years. I am not "joyful" every day, but I believe that God helps me face whatever happens in life, and I am thankful for this. My son (50) was divorced 2 yrs. ago and he & his teen dtr. now live with me. This was not an easy adjustment - and some days are still hard. However, my granddtr. is MUCH better emotionally than when she moved here, and this is wonderful. She was in a terrible state from all the family strife when she came here (at a counselor's urging) and it has been so good for her. We never know what the future will bring; that's why I try to take the daily approach and be grateful for the good things.
There are so many here who have lost their spouses at a young age - and they are raising young children. I know this must be extremely difficult. Being widowed at any age is a terrible and traumatic event. I know you are hurting and I hope you will have some peaceful days very soon.
Hugs - Doye
I am seeing an excellent grief counselor and I hope and pray that time is a great healer and things get better for me. One foot in front of the other and, as my friend says, "Fake it until you make it."
I know it is hard, but I think we have to try and stay as busy as we can. Reach out to people and stay focused on the positive things in life. Try something new -- do something you have always wanted to do but never had the time or money. Good luck and take care. I hope you find something that helps you survive this.
Take it one step at a time. You can do it.
My part-time job involves working with children and I will often catch them off guard by asking them a simple question " Hey Sara why are you so beautiful? " And when they shrug and say "I dunno" I respond with " You are beautiful because you are Sara and your are beautiful inside and out " I will asked the question often and now they are replying with confidence in their voice. One day it hit me that I should asked myself the same question so that I could boost my own self esteem which had taken a major blow.
My question to myself was a bit more adult like. "hey handg why are you worth it?" I`m worth it because having him in my life was a most precious gift , of learning to love and be loved, of growing as an individual but before my husband I was an individual with a road to travel, while travelling with him was different , in the end the road is still there for me to travel and accepting it might just make it a little less bumpy...I can chose to move on and hope to have a more positive attitude with the expectation of having grieve attacks or I can chose to let it hold me back and make it a more strenuous journey...
It's not easy, but I think I had to hit bottom then I stared doing things for me. I fight many battles that started years before my husband John met me. But somewhere in me he seen something that he could love. That was and still is mine. I am older, not as mobile as I would like but I have to face these years with the thought that I am strong enough to try to find that me in there.
That the odds were one would pass before the other, and how would he do? He would have to go through the same grief process then hopefully be the guy I fell in love with coming out the otherside, a little wiser, more compassionate and proud of our time together...as I am.
I think that while you were so occupied that you thought the grief could be side stepped, but it waits. Though to be honest you do sound about where a lot of us are at your stage. For friends and family their life has to go on, they mistake that for us those months from 8-10, we are finding our feet, But it's then that the fog blinders are off, when our brain smacks us, that this is real, this is what we have left.
At about 14 months I decided to try for classes that would get me to a goal(if I have the time). Something to fill my time and maybe give a purpose to why I am still here.
My goal is to be an art therapist for children effect by cancer. Even through the shock of his diagnosis and then the treatments in complications, the children got to me. In the cancer floor they were like a doe in the headlights, almost forgotten, they didn't understand why there was so much gravity in the air, could know what the jargon meant. People talked over their heads. But there eyes gave away the confusion and sadness of not being seen.
Those around them including the doctors gave them positive platitudes, so they were stunned toward the end stages, like the grown ups lied. Now who you going to trust?
Well that's my way to work this out. It's also all mine to do, no one else can do it for me.... That is also the spark that made me some one John could love.
Keep posting, writing, like I said this didn't hit me until later. But at 8 months I was a mess. All I could feel was the loss and heartbreak...the alone-ness of it.
Warm gentle hugs for strength.