I'm so sorry ramar, it will get better but it takes time. Just be patient with yourself. You will go through many different things during grief. I read many books on grief and how others dealt with it, that helped me. You can get many of the books at the library. here are 2 I read

Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life ~ Genevieve Davis Ginsburg
For Widows Only ~ Annie Estlund

There is no magic pill we just have to get through each day 1 day at a time. Maybe you can get some counseling. Try hospice, they have free meetings and so does grief share.
Hugs,
JoAnn

Dearest Ramar . . all totally within the norm of early grief. Been there, done that, as many here will attest to the same. Home is our sanctuary, it is where our heart resides, it is a safety net (albeit without our significant others).

I find myself not even wanting to leave the house most of the time and when I do, I can't wait to get back home . . . even though I can find fault with being lonely at home, it's infinitely better than being away. Quite the conundrum and par for the course on this journey.

Hang in there my friend . . . these feelings will pass and healing days are ahead if we just keep it simple, day by day, and try not to over think it.

As for the early cocktails . . . also, been there done that and had to get myself somewhat in check as it can exacerbate the depression and we don't really gain much at the end of the day by self medicating.

Have you seen your doc regarding a possible anti-depressant or Serotonin upper? I was prescribed a low-dosage of Lexipro that I think helps tremendously. I don't feel drugged at all . . . just helps take the edge of depression off. Something to think about?

Warm hugs to you and sending healing thoughts your way. xo, D

I was more comfortable at homeaafter Don died. I just didn't have the energy to be any other place. After a while I knew that I needed to force myself to leave the house at least once a few days. I would go sit by the river and watch the boats. Sometimes go to a book store with a coffee shop or I would just walk around the block with my dog. Then winter came and on clear days I would still force myself to do something. We have to honor our grief, but avoid letting it control us. Back to those baby steps. Sharon

Hi Ramar - Your husband passed away such a short time ago. At one month I was still crying - hard crying - every day. I know what you mean about this urge to get home, even though the person we would normally want to get home to isn't really there. I still feel it and it's almost nine months since my husband passed away. I think it must be quite normal. But it is sad, isn't it?

I like "Widow to Widow" as JoAnn recommended. It does have practical ideas, which is what I wanted at first. I also got quite a bit from Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking."

Go easy on yourself, my friend. This is a horrible experience and it's a journey, not an event.

Ramar...I just want to send you the biggest hug ever...there are so many wise words spoken here ..and its amazing to me how spot on they are...I am glad you are here ..I was one of those people that jumped hard back into my old life..so hard that I tried to remove the entire grief process....that is how I got here after 22 months of the journey and even then I still did not want to let go of control until I barfed on myself in public....it was Sharons words of "there is a new you" that really gave me hope and well I guess it was the barf that made me listen....sending another hug!!

I can relate to your description of feeling panicky. That's a very scary feeling and it hits hard when you've always felt in control before this. I read a really good quote about 'panic attacks' in which they said it's not a sign of weakness instead it's a sign of being strong for too long. Sometimes we really cannot cope and our body doesn't lie. Also for me it turned out that a particular blood pressure medicine was contributing to a kind of dizziness/vertigo feeling and then I would panic. Check with a doctor you trust to see if it's attributable to something medical. Take care of yourself.

So many can relate to your feelings. SO please do not beat yourself up.

I also remember the very first time after months and months and months I laughed. It shocked me so much but I sat and dealt with that laughter somewhat felt guilty yet truly felt good after so long.

You are a new normal now as they say here. It does take that time. Hugs from PNW