I am so sorry for your loss Eloisa..You are definitely among people that understand what you are going through. My wife of 22 years passed away after i got off the phone with her while i was at work..

When i came home that evening after not being able to reach her all day (not uncommon) I found her as well..there was nothing i could do, she was long gone..

I am just at 8.5 months, and by no means am going to say "I'm better" but i am "better" than 4-6 months ago for sure.. my heart has done the same thing as well, and i've lost weight from lack of eating much in those first 3-4 months..

I know you mentioned your an RN ; have you seen your doctor about any antidepressants or have you talked to anyone (grief counselling?) i did both about 4 months in and i think that it helped..

again, I am so sorry for your loss, we all know how you feel

*hugs*

Eloisa, I'm so sorry. Five months ago I held my wife's hand as she died in the ICU. They couldn't save her. So many people do not know how to talk about what we are going through. Many people will talk anyway and say accidentally hurtful thoughtless things. This group does understand. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.

Like dcheramie, I also found help in medication. Though I'm trying to get off it now. It did help during those especially bad first months.

Misery is still here, happiness is not. But the misery is gradually getting less. I have some hope from others's stories that happiness will eventually return. Might be years. Everyone is different.

Please come back any time and we will support you.

Your pain is something we all can say we understand and mean it. I to am always sad and in pain and it has been not quite 5 months. To me life will never be the same. I know they say time heals all wounds but I really don't believe it. I ask myself why me and why him. He had so much life to live. Everyone is right go see your doctor regarding antidepressants and counselling. I have done both and just having someone to talk to makes a difference for that time. This site is great as we are altogether in our pain and grief this is the one place that everything we feel and say is totally understood.,..I am so happy that I found it....

There are really no words to say how sorry I am. The pain and anger is a normal part of the grief process. I lost my husband last October. He had a heart attack and died in front of my eyes while I was on the phone to the 911 operator trying to get him help. My heart still hurts and I still get angry when I think about it. If only I had realized what was happening sooner, he might still be alive. And then I wouldn't have to feel lonely and miserable like I do. Sleepless nights, no appetite, no motivation to work or do anything constructive with my life. It is a daily struggle to just function at all. Time does ease the pain, though I feel it will never fully go away. Daily Strength is a good place to come for support and understanding. I haven't been on here long, but it does give me some comfort. I know it will for you too.

Dear Eloisa, my wife was diagnosed with cancer last October and passed away January. She was 54. This happened when we had just moved in Hong Kong for 3 years for my job. We have no family here. I have no choice but try to learn to live without her. It has been 6 months and I have started picking up pieces. You are right that few people seem to understand the pain, but there are ones who can help. I have a colleague who lost his wife in his 50s, and a very good friend who lost her husband in her late 20s (she is now 65). These people experienced the same pain and whom we can talk to have comfort. But I had to find them. I let my colleagues (I teach at a university here so we hardly see each other except in school) know that I want to talk someone who has same experience. Then they came to me. I hope you can find someone you can talk. I also visit a counsellor once a month. Coming here in DS has been very helpful. Very sorry for your loss. Hugs from Hong Kong, Tiger

I also am so sorry for your loss Eloisa. We are all on the same journey and get what you are going through. The first few months for me were very dark and painful. I also had problems with blood pressure, irregular heart rate and eating. I lost 35 pounds since Art died in May of 2014. I will say that I have more good days than bad. It is the mornings I have the worst time because I wake up and it is another day without Art. You have found a wonderful and very supportive group here on DS. I do not know what I would have done if I had not found it myself. Most likely I would have gone crazy!! You are not alone. Come here often. Hugs. Sue

I understand how you feel and you are doing a really good job expressing how angry you are and I admire that. I think it's really important to get these feelings out. For me, what really helped with a grief counseling group where we met once a week for eight weeks. Just sitting in room with other widows, and with a licensed counselor, gave me some good experience and tools in how to express my feelings and how to deal with them. In one group we wrote a letter to our husband's disease to express how much we hated the disease. The counselor encouraged the use of very raw language in our letters if that's what we needed to do. It did feel cleansing to put these feelings on paper.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad but we all understand on this site. Take care of yourself and seek help from someone with experience with grief counseling.

Hi Eloise, my name is Steve and I'm so sorry also, for your loss. I am now 6.5 yrs into my journey of trying to learn how to live without my best friend and partner in life. I agree 100% with advise to find people to talk to that have been through it, like this group, and in your local area. Therapy helps too. My partner and I were together for 31 yrs, from our early teens and had an amazing, immediate connection from the first time we saw each other. We had created a really great life with career and dear friends, travel, lovely home, family, and we were both very much in love. It's now all gone. It's amazing to me, how much my partners death changed my life. We had a very close knit, "family of friends" for many yrs, and saw each other every week. After the funeral out of maybe 15 couples, I heard from 1. That lasted a few weeks and they were gone. I don't understand it, but over the yrs since Mikes passing, I have discovered it is very common. I can't imagine doing that to anyone, just dropping a friend of yrs, because their spouse passed, but it happens. I'm the type of person that would have been there daily, held them, supported them, cooked for them, cleaned their house, and loved them through their devastation. Had done it before with several friends in the loss of their parent, or child, sibling. But I basically had to start everything over. Through mikes cancer treatments, we had to sell our home, move to a rental, gave up both our new cars and purchased an old beater to drive, sold most of our furnishings to fit into rental, and help with medical expenses and prescriptions. When Mike passed, I had nothing but boxes of memories, myself and thank god, mikes family kept in contact from back east, but I had no one local. I'm still very close with mikes mom and sister, but they live 2000 miles away. For me the first 3 yrs were the hardest, I have now moved on into caring for my elderly parents full time and a new boyfriend, have some new friends, but I secretly still suffer with depression, grief, sadness, loneliness, for home. I still feel as though I woke up in some strange place one morning, everybody was gone, I was all alone and nobody in my new life really knows me or me them. It takes so much time to build up that feeling of home. Belonging. Feeling of safety and security. But really, does anyone really have that? I thought I did, and poof it was gone.
Life is easier now, meaning I laugh, have fun, enjoy moments of my life, getting to know my mom better than I ever did now, that she lives with me. But I still miss every day, that connection, knowing, that there was always that warm, sweet, loving caring place in mikes arms, that feeling of home, and exhale , that I still hunger for. Probably always will. Mike and I knew each other so well, cared so deeply for each other, teased each other about our faults, in a loving accepting way, helped each other through our fears and challenges, supported each other through life each day. I'm still learning how to live without that.

I just will like to take a moment to thank each one of you for all your support and advices. Thank you from my hearth!
I too feel like im existing not living I already came from a past that didn't have good memories. My immediate family is very poor my mom lives in Italy (Rome) my sister and her little one in London and my other brother in Italy as well. None of them were able to come here in the Us although my cousin who lives in Illinoi was here w her son and that helps. I'm glad I found you guys and most of all I'm glad I found people that understand and feel the same pain.
A lot of you mentioned Grief counseling is that different then regular counseling? I do see a therapist it helps in different levels like guiding me w my every day life that kind of staff but not much w grieving. I am on an antidepressant I started it last summer when my health was compromised ! I want to share with all of you the strange feeling that I was experiencing... I think I was feeling Clark death!
SO it all started last summer when I went for a run and all of the sudden my hearth took off I mean accelerated, my hearth bit was going up to 150-170 Im petite and that palpitation will make me feel like hitting the ground! Ambulances non stop coming to my house. So I had a procedure were they stopped my hearth completely for 10 seconds its called Hearth Block. this way they can see if I needed an ablation... well this feeling was coming from no where and all the cardiologist could not figure out what was wrong... IS what I call Medical vs Spiritual. I was very sad depressed drained and I couldn't figure out why!!! Then my husband took me for a walk one night with my dog and he said ....." I want you to be strong in your mind ! You are strong but not in your mind and I need you to do this for me! ( he did have a couple of drinks) He continued to say YOU are always sick but yet they can't find anything wrong so its in ur mind!!!!
well! one night I was sitting on the coach it was a cold winter night there are two huge trees in front and in the back of my home I was stairing at the tree brunches which appeared dark black almost an evil sensation to me. Clark was sleeping at this time! I got up went to bad and my dog followed me and lay right in between us I woke clark up and I said can you please hold my hand he did ! we slept .
two days later you guys clark came home from work a cold ugly snowing day JAN 15/2015. he asked me to get him some food from the store I didn't want to go he bagged me to go! He was sitting in front of the lap tap. When I was at the store I felt weird I can't explain it , I came home ran in the kitchen screamed called his name to come up to eat there was no answer I ran down the basement. Clark was gone his eyes were semi close he was sitting on the chair w the lap tap an his coloring was different! He was on a cardiac arrest !!! I called 911 while I was doing CPR but I knew that he was gone!
My symptoms during that year were telling me something It was a spirit telling me that something was going to happen. I still have this in me like if I deeply meditate thinking about clark my whole body goes numb!!
I miss my husband and Im all alone here! My job as a RN id demanding and my coworkers are very supportive but others outside from the Hospitals have no clue ! I m glad I have you guys here !

Your not here alone now Eloisa

we all understand what you are going through..

as far as grief counselling being different than regular counselling, well in my life, I have had marriage counselling, "regular" counselling (job related stress) and grief counselling...

for me, what was tearing me up so much at first, was I could NOT think of any happy times..My wife had been sick for a long time...diabetes...tracheomalacia, asthma, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, renal failure..you name it, she probably had some form of it over the last 10 years.. I the last 3 especially, her health declined a lot (that is when the kidney failure happened..she only survived 1.5 years after being diagnosed... When I saw the counselor, all i had in my mind was 8-10 years of doctor appointments, surgeries, emergency room visits, etc.. after a few sessions of the therapist asking questions and me answering, she gave me her insights around what i was saying..that in fact, every day we spent together, i was always doing stuff for Melodie..taking her out to dinner/movies/concerts/whatever she wanted...the "good times" were all around because i was getting them in, every chance we could..

once I actually sat and realized that, it was like a damn broke and I could actually think about even older times when we went places together or did something special.. (1 memory hit me just now thats making me cry...took her on a dinner train through the cascade mountains once, we we all dressed up, her in a dinner dress, me in a tux...she looked so beautiful..the problem was...it was a train from the 20's - 30s (we didnt know) and it had no heat...everyone but us was all bundled up...we got to snuggle at least but were freezing :)

sigh..

so..grief counseling *might* help, especially if you have something specific you would like to talk about/get out..perhaps your regular therapist could help or suggest a counselor if not..

Eloisa, please come here often. It is four moths for me after 31 years together, many of them difficult due to his health and the financial hardships they brought, but never once would have traded any of it, other than I would have done anything to keep him from th
pain he went through. Anyway this side has helped me so much tp cope/change/grow. There is always someone who has been where i am when i ask for help or just need to vent

First so sorry for your loss. I lost my Danny a little over two months ago, he complained of a headache and passed away a day later. He was only 41 years old. It's normal and yes our friends don't understand unless they go through this type of loss. This group is great for just letting your feelings out. We are all going through the same thing here. I hope you stay strong. This is the hardest thing we are all going through. Hugs