Hey Lisa, I was going through a lot of what you're going through at 9 months. It is one of the roughest periods on the grief journey. It will pass, but it's like the roller coaster ride has kicked into high gear and is bumpier than ever before. Hang on, girl, you will get through this!

Sons will try to hide their feelings from their mothers in this situation. They are trying to protect you. My guys were actually told by others to "be strong" and that they were "the man of the house now" and other bullshit that was totally unhelpful, and at times downright harmful to their wellbeing! Counseling for each of them is what helped. That and talking, talking, talking. I made sure I spent time with each of them and with both of them. They can't make it all okay for you, and you can't make it all better for them, either. You can help each other, but the loss is individual and will mean something different to each of you.

This is an excerpt from what I wrote about the 9-11 months period that I went through:

"Around 9 months, I started cycling through all the phases of grieving, one on top of the other, back and forth, back and forth - almost like a condensed version of the previous months in rapid succession - I was doing the Widows Waltz - two steps forward, one step back. The horrible nightmares came back with a vengeance, I was having a hard time getting any rest and my ability to cope went out the window some days. I would wake up weeping, and the daytime grief bursts suddenly reappeared after having subsided for months. I had some days where I felt fantastic and then would feel guilty for feeling so good. The anger suddenly reappeared, too, and it was pretty intense at times. I was going through a bad time financially and issues came up with both of my sons, and I felt like a failure on every front. I was struggling to redefine myself, and I couldnt understand why I was having such a hard time. I was sick of grief and disgusted with myself for revisiting all the pain of my life. The self-talk that normally would get me through things turned instead into a constant argument - I was a good person, I was a bad person, I was capable, I was a failure, I was a good mom, I was a terrible mom, I was good at my job, I was lousy at my job, I was good at running a household and the finances, I was hopeless and a moron about money, I was lovable, I was unlovable - back and forth, back and forth...

I was debating with myself the real meaning of my life."

I also didn't think I would ever have another relationship, as I have two sons on the autism spectrum and am not some sweet young thing. But love has a way of finding you when you least expect it. I know the feeling of feeling like you're cheating to even think about it, but honestly, if your husband were still here you wouldn't be thinking about it.

Moving is always stressful, whether it's a mile away or thousands of miles away. Is there anyone else you can call upon to help you pack? I have moved several times, the last time being from Florida to England, and it is by far the least favorite activity I can think of. I hate it! Part of it that I hate is trying to stay organized. Here is a link to some checklist forms that might help you and take some of the stress out of the process:

https://usaaef.org/publications-media/pdf-forms/u34/planning-and-moving-checklist#.VbJWcfmkz_k

I hope this helps. Do you have a moving date set yet? And a place lined up yet? You were looking at your former home I think??

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Bravo Martha for putting into words what happens at this juncture in grief.
I to went through hell at the 9 month mark. I also have 2 Son's and I tried to be strong for them, ignoring my own grief.
I crashed hard. What helped me is the gym, believe it or not. I go to the gym 5 nights a week and sweat out my frustrations.
I also thought who would want me? could I even be with someone with out feeling guilty?
I am now at almost 2 years, in a new relationship and in a really good place emotionally.
My Son's are not happy about me meeting someone new.
I think what really made it possible for me was that My Tim was always stating "nobody wants to grow old alone". So anytime I feel guilty I remember that and also that he would want me to be happy and move on.
Stay strong, Hugs, Sandi

Great replies! As always Martha, you more than covered exactly what was happening with me around the 9 month mark and progressing into a year. At almost 16 months, I still have bouts of uncertainty, but not as intense as before. Sandi, kudos to you for having found new love! As Martha says, love finds you (usually when least expected). Lisa, as for guilt, throw it out the window of your soul. You have no reason to feel guilt at this juncture, in this case. As for the house move, it is stressful as hell on a good day! I've been trying to wrap up my house for the past several months. Thankfully I have had some help and hope you will find someone available that is willing to help you as well. The fun part will come once the move is over and we can un-box our personals and create our new space. I'm looking forward to this!! Round of hugs, D

Thank you every one, Your responses mean so much to me. I never used to be such a whine bag but this is such a shitty roller coaster!!! I have had people tell my boys that "they need to be strong" and that is bullshit as Martha said. I would like to see them try to learn a new way. My heart is broken and Im glad I don't have to hide that here. It takes so much of my energy to keep up the "im ok appearance" Packing is relentless!! I am going to have a family wall in my new place so that we can all add Mike to it again. It was previously our home although it will look alot different. Remodeling is like a huge face lift and boy are the new owners changing things. It will be fresh and new but old at the same time if that makes sense. I don't think it will truly be home with out Mike but we will do the best we can. The other day I heard someone say that our lives change every ten years and with every change comes new challenges but I wasn't expecting this.

Lisa I'm so sorry you are going through this...I went through it at 19 months...and though it was horrible..I know today that I had to go through it....if not for this site...I don't know ...life is getting better and I am learning to calm myself down...and be good to me...one day at a time...sending hugs of comfort and strength!!