Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband left on April 27th after battling kidney cancer for 13 months. It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I thought I was going to be sad after his death. I could never have imagined that the sadness was the least of my emotions. The loneliness the emptiness the fears are overwhelming. For the first few weeks my brain was in a numb state. That's the best way to describe it. What happens to all the activities we did together? 34 years of having someone who you confide in daily then they leave. How to move forward with the strength that is needed seems impossible. My hopes are that joining the group will be a way to feel that I have a place where I belong.
Dab your story is very similar to my own. I wish that I could speak magical words that would take away your pain. A prayer and a hug sent to you!
memom421
The wonderful people here are wonderful and I want so badly to get to that better place.
Hugs to you
Jen
Your responses help by revealing that we have similar struggles. Unfortunately or fortunately we are all in this club together. I am sorry for all of your losses as well. Sending prayers and hugs to all!
Those of us whose spouse had an illness, a decline, had some time to prepare for the inevitable, but who can really prepare? My mourning and grief began before my wife died. It sharpened immensely when she was gone. It has been 10 months, but still think I will walk into the next room and see her there.
I said in another discussion, it's like someone took our partner in the middle of a dance. Mid-step, we realize the next steps we planned would be awkward and impossible. We are all learning a new dance.
I consciously built a support network before my wife became sick, to support me in my Wellness, dealing with Bipolar Disorder. I have closer ties to family, friends, my synagogue, I go to a peer support group in person, I nurture my Dimensions of Wellness. http://www.promoteacceptance.samhsa.gov/10by10/dimensions.aspx
This morning I read a moving essay by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg about her first month as a widow. It's a good read, eloquent, at the same time deeply personal and universal: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10155617891025177
She writes about resilience:
I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalizationrealizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word sorry. To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanenceremembering that I wont feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasivenessthis does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy
Soon after my wife died, my best friend's health started failing. Two months later he died of massive organ failure, like my wife. My diabetic dog stopped walking, I took care of her, cleaned her, she was still happy to be alive. My daughter observed, "You went from taking care of mommy to taking care of Bonnie." She died in February. I'm not alone, I still have my 4 cats and our our other little white dog, who sleeps with me. They give me a routine and purpose, and love, and do funny and charming things that make me smile.
When I see people, I talk a lot more than I used to. From loneliness, I suppose.
You are probably still in shock. Time will bring healing and understanding. My recommendation is take it one day at a time, and feel gratitude when you can, and don't avoid the tears and sadness, they are part of the process.
I filled the car with gas
I had the car washed
I walked the dog
I cleaned the patio
I dumped the trash
I washed the floors
I cleaned the blinds
I changed the linens
I fixed the remote
I swept the hall....
Are we seeing a pattern here? I did all of the above....it used to be WE.....Now, it's I. Today I have to pick up toilet paper and paper towels.....I loved being a "WE"....Sharing the duties of life and living. WE was so much more fun, fulfilling and so much easier.
What happens to all the activities that you did together? Memories, that's what happened they're memories!!!!
Oh! Well! You all "GET IT", you know what I'm going through, I know you do. I'm sorry for me and I'm sorry for you.
Roz
Well after losing the love of my life last May, now I know exactly
why they did...................................I miss him so