Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I lost my husband suddenly 2 years ago, at age 48, 1 month after my mom passed away from a lengthy illness. My MIL and FIL were not able to attend my husband's funeral. My MIL has COPD, and wound up in intensive care the night before the funeral. She was in a coma for the following month. 1 yr later, my FIL died shortly after being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I am telling you all this so you get the full picture. My SIL is my MIL's health care proxy, and the trustee of the estate. My SIL was the youngest sibling and the only girl. She has neglected her duties so much that I even suggested that she petition the courts to have someone else manage my MILs affairs. She is the only surviving child my MIL has. My SIL is well off, does not need to work, and lives a lavish lifestyle. My MIL is in a subpar nursing home, and my SIL only visits 1-2 times a month, for less than 30 minutes. I CANNOT take on the managing of my MILs care, but she deserves better than this. Several family members have asked my SIL to step up to the plate, but she says that she already is. What to do??
This must be very frustrating for you!! I'm so sorry. I wish I had an answer for you. Hopefully someone else will offer some better advice.
Hugs, Dayna
Not all nursing homes are subpar. I have worked in 2 of them, one as a young girl and later after retiring from the hospital. They both were staffed with hard working, dedicated staff who truly love the residents they serve.
I understand the frustration you are feeling, I have been on both sides of this discussion. My mom passed in a nursing home and I have worked in 2 of them, though not when she was a resident there.
I respect your concerns, perhaps you could speak to the administrator of the home and she/he could clarify the issues you are struggling with. Sharon
The work for us did not stop there though. I go visit, check in and get updates about four times a week. I talk to the staff, participate in activities and often just pop in. It keeps everyone on their toes. They say "Val, we love you, you are just popping in all the time." My brother goes in once a week also. If I am ill or out of town he takes on a larger roll.
In the end, the same way it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a town to take care of an elderly ailing person. It is just about impossible to do on your own. Getting the state involved through guardianship should always be a last resort. Terri is right on point there. They never get out, and they end up policing finances more than anything else. However, sometimes it is the only option. Hope this helps in some small way.
Hugs,
Val
I agree, too, that if the problem is with the nursing home, that should be addressed without passing judgment on your SIL.
You mention "several family members" - would any of them be good choices to take over the responsibility? Can you speak to them about at least sharing visiting responsibilities/checking in on your MIL? Just a thought....
Love and Hugs,
Martha