Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Should I Feel Excluded??

shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17

Today I accidentally came across a FB post by Sam's ex-wife.  She had taken a photo of his headstone, which I had purchased for almost 2 grand in 2011.  People were saying what a nice stone it was, etc., and she started gushing out all this nonsense about how she never stopped loving him, even though the marriage didn't work out, and how her present husband was so understanding of her feelings.  Additionally, she announced that she had bought the two plots next to him for her son and his wife!  I would like to ask her why she didn't take a pic of the back side of the monument where it shows my name as his wife.  I also wonder if she purchased a plot for herself on one side of him.  


I am not as irritated about her buying the plots as I am about her pretending that I never existed, when I was married to him longer than she was (18 years vs. her 15), with another wife in between.  In fact, she and I had talked about this right after I remarried and moved away - and she ASSURED me that she was not in love with him.  Now she says she is. We had even emailed each other for a while until she started telling me that his family did not care much for me.  I was accused of keeping him away from his family, which was not true.  So I blocked her.  


I forgot to mention that she had made noise about buying a headstone for him because I didn't do it right away; and I had said that if this were to happen, I would have it removed - or have him exhumed.  


I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about this.  I definitely don't want to move back to the town where she lives, even though my youngest son lives there.  I think this woman is just someone who likes to stir things up.  Should I allow her to take repossession of my late husband?  She even uses his last name again, along with her present married name.  


I get wrote off because he died and I remarried; she remains close to his family even after she divorced him and married another man. I don't get it.  I guess I could sign the deed over to her?  It is a little beneath me to fight over a corpse.  I wonder if this will happen again.  I wonder if the cemetery lets us put up "No Trespassing" signs.  I know this is in the category of "dark humor," but at the same time it seems so wrong. Maybe I should also send her what is left of his personal effects (the memory tote).


shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
True. Mourning for two is not easy. It sounds like she is doing more fantasizing than mourning LOL. And the fact that she had lied to me, and no telling what else she has done to besmirch me.
raininseattle
raininseattle
She sounds like a possessive .. um... person. So it's probably a fad or a pissing tactic. She could say whatever she wanted, but she was not married to him, and she has a husband now.

Maybe this is her way to express her grief. Maybe she just likes to rain on everyone. Either way monitor the issue so it doesn't get out of hand but try not get dragged down by her high wire act.
staygolden3
staygolden3
“You cannot always control your situation, but you can control how you react to it...”
In my opinion....she’s not worth your energy! Devote that to your healing. Press “Unfriend”
She doesn’t need to know your business anyway.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
She sounds like she wants to be the center of attention. You could always take a pic of both sides of the stone and put them up to remind her and anyone else that YOU were his wife when he passed. At the end of the day, that's what actually matters. He chose to be with you right to the end.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
scottito
scottito
Right or wrong, I had to break connections with nearly all of my wife's family because I simply was in no shape or form to handle drama. I'm now at 33 months, doing remarkably better and see great leaps in my healing. For me to continue to grow stronger, I have to guard my peace at all costs. It doesn't take much to send me right back into the downward spiral of depression, liken being stuck in a flushing toilet and unable to climb out. Healing from losing not only our loved one but the dreams of a life we worked so hard to build takes what little energy I have left after giving priority to remaining gainfully employed. So I try really hard not to waste my energy on those having a twisted sense of reality, at least reality as I see it. Seems far too many people out there just want to be mean and hateful, and in your case the ex strikes me as being just plain jealous of the love you two shared. Me, I love from a distance those that are bothersome to me. I can't change them. It takes all I got to work on changing myself into a better person. But then, it might be fun to fantasize of beating the crap out of those really nasty ones. Thanks for sharing. Scott
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
I guess if she wants to play the role of a widow, all power to her. I live 2500 away from her now, after living in the same town, or at least county, for 18 years. I could get our son to go take pics of the back side of the stone, but I'm not on FB myself. I was on my son's FB account, the wrong place at the wrong time. Sam adopted her son and raised him; then he and I adopted a little boy. She should just enjoy her current husband, I'm thinking - and the grand kids that were kept from us. And my late husband's "big, wonderful family."
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • cedarbrooke

    As I Get Older....

    Posted by: cedarbrooke
    Last Reply: JazzyLady
    4
  • billwfriend

    I cannot get a cut and paste to post

    Posted by: billwfriend
    Last Reply: cedarbrooke
    5
    Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...