I think that others do not know what to say or not say and often we do not know how to feel. There is no clear cut path to grieving. Yes there are shared stories, help books but each of us is an individual and have our own path. Should you be upset ? It depends on how you took the comment. I myself avoid saying replies to questions that suggest that I may be lonely as it opens the door to comments I don`t want . Also as women we may very well take an innocent comment different than intended. Sometimes the meaning gets lost in gender translation.

No I don't think your overreacting. I don't know what in the world could be much worse than losing you spouse. People that are not in our position simply do not understand, they cannot. You have the right to upset, but don't let it consume you. Just allow yourself to understand why they do not understand.

George

Jaja27,
Sorry that you received that response from your cousin. I'm not sure I would know how to respond to that comment. He asked and you answered honestly. I'm at the point where I wish people would stop asking how I am, because I don't think they really want to hear or can handle the honest answer. The expectation that grief should only last a specified length of time is unbelievable.

So when asked, I usually just reply that I am doing okay or the best I can under the circumstances. I do have a few very close friends that I will answer honestly and they "get it".

I think we may all be a bit "over sensitive" after losing a spouse, but you are not over-reacting. Your cousin just doesn't "get it". Hugs to you.

I agree with George; you're NOT overreacting. It's almost 7 months since Sam died, and I'm having a much more difficult time with my grief now than I did in the first few months. I've had a few people make insensitive comments as well. I'm not the kind to get all weepy in public when people ask "How are you?" I generally just say "Okay" and change the subject.

Hello jaja27.
I'm sorry for the insensitive comment, I don't think you are overreacting at all and have every right to be upset. If your cousin was in the same position as you I doubt he'd feel there were people 'worse off'. People just don't understand how hard it is to lose the one you love. Im 8 months down the line now and I am straggling more now than in thr early days, it feels so much more real now and my heart literally feels like it aches missing him. People seem to think after a few months you should just get over it but I don't think losing the love of your life is something you ever get over.

Thank you everyone for your support. I knew I could count on you to make me feel better. :-)

Jaja I just posted a poem I found on Bindi's post about insensitive remarks... I think I will print and hand out.

Some won't ever get it until they wear our shoes.
Hug,
Jewell.

People do say the darndest things - only because they have no clue how to handle the situation. Just overlook it - it was not said with intention of hurting you

People can never know what you're going through until they have to walk in those same shoes. You are not overreacting. Grieving has no time limit. If you spent years with your spouse, why should you get over it in six months. This is no "out of sight, out of mind" situation. This is two people who became "one flesh." Just keep moving forward, one day at a time. My motto is "I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday." May you be strengthened and comforted and may you find peace. Praying for you and for us all.

Sorry to tell you this, but your cousin is a jerk. I think it would be appropriate to tell him his comments did not score a perfect 10. Just because people are relatives, you don't have to ignore the stupid remarks.

Maggie

There are others far better off, too. Point being? I think we all take time to count our blessings at some point. Even though a comment like this may be well intended, depending on who is saying it and our frame of mind at the time, it seems a little insensitive. At the same time, we say things trying to console someone, but it comes across wrong. Like getting bit by a rattlesnake and someone try's to convince you that you are lucky it wasn't a copperhead. I don't think your cousin was trying to hurt you or diminish your grief, I think he try's to console you, not really imagining how a remark like that feels, under the circumstances. Here' what I think we need to remember though--it is likely we will all be affected by loss in the course of our lives. It's probably at this time when we become more sensitive to these types of comments. That is why I try to let these remarks slide. They were probably well-intended.

Some people are "fixers". They think that when we are just hoping for validation we are needing to be fixed instead. So instead of saying "I hear ya. I'm sorry" they will say "Volunteer, date, look on the bright side, time to move on, etc. etc. Are you being overly sensitive? Maybe. But that's OK. You own your feelings, not someone else.