Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
A message appeared in my email inbox this morning: "The Cure for Grief is Crappy Lifetime Movies" so I had to read it.
https://medium.com/the-archipelago/my-mom-is-dead-to-begin-with-in-order-for-any-of-this-to-make-sense-you-have-to-understand-that-7e23bdabb069
The author says holiday schlock movies help him deal with losing his mom in November 2011. "When grief tries to steal Christmas, holiday schlock offers a fantasy to get us through."
I lost my mom in March (not a biggie, really) then my wife of 25 years died in July (a BIG biggie), and THEN my best friend died in September.
After my wife died, I cried for two weeks. My heart felt physically "broken." I hardly ever cry, my daughter told me she had only seen me cry once or twice before in her life. Now the feelings and memories well up, and I cry like a baby.
Mostly, I cry about missing my wife. It's cathartic, and lets me know she is still in my heart.
Recently I watched Caspar, and when the wife's angel appears, I burst into tears.
Music can do it too, My wife and I shared a lot of music: John Lennon, Lou Reed, certain Broadway shows. The song that always gets me is "According To You" by my guitar idol Orianthi Pangaris. I don't know if Arlene was aware of that song. It's a pop song, but not a throwaway - it reminds me that when I met my wife, she "got" me in a way that other girlfriends didn't. I remember how we just "clicked" - and then I bawl.
Sometimes the song comes up on my mp3 on shuffle while I am on public transit. Some people look sympathetically at the man with headphones with tears streaming down his face.
Let it all out :)
https://medium.com/the-archipelago/my-mom-is-dead-to-begin-with-in-order-for-any-of-this-to-make-sense-you-have-to-understand-that-7e23bdabb069
The author says holiday schlock movies help him deal with losing his mom in November 2011. "When grief tries to steal Christmas, holiday schlock offers a fantasy to get us through."
I lost my mom in March (not a biggie, really) then my wife of 25 years died in July (a BIG biggie), and THEN my best friend died in September.
After my wife died, I cried for two weeks. My heart felt physically "broken." I hardly ever cry, my daughter told me she had only seen me cry once or twice before in her life. Now the feelings and memories well up, and I cry like a baby.
Mostly, I cry about missing my wife. It's cathartic, and lets me know she is still in my heart.
Recently I watched Caspar, and when the wife's angel appears, I burst into tears.
Music can do it too, My wife and I shared a lot of music: John Lennon, Lou Reed, certain Broadway shows. The song that always gets me is "According To You" by my guitar idol Orianthi Pangaris. I don't know if Arlene was aware of that song. It's a pop song, but not a throwaway - it reminds me that when I met my wife, she "got" me in a way that other girlfriends didn't. I remember how we just "clicked" - and then I bawl.
Sometimes the song comes up on my mp3 on shuffle while I am on public transit. Some people look sympathetically at the man with headphones with tears streaming down his face.
Let it all out :)
I do have a whole raft of stuff I listen to for other aspects of grief, like the anger. I can recommend Cake's version of "I Will Survive" highly for the times when you are angry they are gone.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
She probably deserves a sainthood for listening to me all those years.
Having a very hard time watching shows we watched together as well (hard time = can't do it)
Did watch an entire cheesy sci-fi marathon yesterday though.
Thanks Randall for sharing . . . I know you don't get here often, but when you do . . . it's "golden".
Round of hugs to all . . . Dayna
I observed the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva - I covered the mirrors, and sat in the house quietly. I stopped playing some games I was playing on my phone (I still have not resumed any interest in them). I recited the Kaddish, the prayer used for mourning, but it's not so much about death as it's an affirmation of the greatness of G_d, and a prayer for personal peace and peace for all - an ancient pre-Hebrew prayer in Aramaic.
I didn't cut my hair or shave for a month, another Jewish custom. My wife always liked my hair longish (at one point I grew a pony tail for more than 10 years), and she liked my beard. My friends encouraged me to keep the beard, they say it makes me look "professorial" - there's a Yiddish saying: "Better a Jew without a beard than a beard without a Jew" ;-)
I made a mix tape for a New Years party using a cute app that creates a virtual cassette tape. When I shared the link, I noted that "in the 1900s, when you were 'serious' about someone you made them a mix tape" http://suan.fm/mix/bCH6uUD I cried frequently as I was making it.
I was a sound engineer in the 80s and I recorded Foley SFX for Scarface. In the climactic nightclub scene, they used "I Will Survive" as temp music on the guide track, since the actual score was still being composed. Over and over I played that scene working on it. It has been imprinted on my brain with that song :)
And BTW, I share my birthday October 9 with Lennon's passing. That was a truly sad birthday for me as I recall. I resonated with his "being-ness" for many years prior. Still missing him.
Make my heart full to know you shared Lennon w/ your wife as she was passing. Beautiful.
Big hug to you . . . glad you're with us today.
xo
(and our anniversary)
Born: October 9, 1940, Liverpool, United Kingdom
Assassinated: December 8, 1980, New York City, NY
(copied from Google)
Does that make you feel any different?
xox
2 years in and I'm tentative, but trying my reactions to an occasional track on a "strong" day. "Don't get me wrong" by the Pretenders was "our" song and I'm starting to think more about the good memories.
I think Christmas carols are never coming back on the playlist though. There is something about their peace and promise that I don't think I'm ever going to be able to handle again.