Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I could use some feedback here. Maybe some of you have been in the same boat.
Before Mark got sick, and again after his cancer diagnosis, we talked about what we wanted after we died. All Mark wanted was to be cremated. He said the rest was up to me as he wouldn't be here and therefore would not care. Sounds simple, right?
Mark and I were both raised Catholic but have not practiced for many years, to the point where Mark would not put "Catholic" on religious preference at the hospital. As he got sicker, I fretted about what type of service to have after he died. When we talked about this a few weeks before his death, he told me, "Do what you have to do."
I could not in good conscience have church service....I would have felt like a hypocrite. But Mark's dad is still very Catholic and I wanted/needed to respect his feelings and needs. So, I contacted the priest that married us way back when, explained the situation, and asked him if he would be willing to perform a service at the funeral home. He was pleased to be asked and provided what I thought an appropriate and fitting celebration of Mark's life.
Afterward, per his wishes, I had Mark cremated. Not sure when, where, or if I wanted to scatter his ashes, I had them placed in a beautiful engraved box, which sits on my dresser.
Here is my problem, if in fact it is one. Talking to Mark's sister, I have come to find that my father-in-law does not speak of his son. Could it be because I have not "laid him to rest"? Or because I have not taken the box over for him to see? Or even shown him a picture of it?
I see my father-in-law about every 6 weeks or so (same as before Mark died). We do not talk on the phone, no particular reason. This man has always been good to me and I love him dearly. I don't know how to broach this subject or even if I should.
I'd sure like to know what you think. Thanks for listening!
Mary
Before Mark got sick, and again after his cancer diagnosis, we talked about what we wanted after we died. All Mark wanted was to be cremated. He said the rest was up to me as he wouldn't be here and therefore would not care. Sounds simple, right?
Mark and I were both raised Catholic but have not practiced for many years, to the point where Mark would not put "Catholic" on religious preference at the hospital. As he got sicker, I fretted about what type of service to have after he died. When we talked about this a few weeks before his death, he told me, "Do what you have to do."
I could not in good conscience have church service....I would have felt like a hypocrite. But Mark's dad is still very Catholic and I wanted/needed to respect his feelings and needs. So, I contacted the priest that married us way back when, explained the situation, and asked him if he would be willing to perform a service at the funeral home. He was pleased to be asked and provided what I thought an appropriate and fitting celebration of Mark's life.
Afterward, per his wishes, I had Mark cremated. Not sure when, where, or if I wanted to scatter his ashes, I had them placed in a beautiful engraved box, which sits on my dresser.
Here is my problem, if in fact it is one. Talking to Mark's sister, I have come to find that my father-in-law does not speak of his son. Could it be because I have not "laid him to rest"? Or because I have not taken the box over for him to see? Or even shown him a picture of it?
I see my father-in-law about every 6 weeks or so (same as before Mark died). We do not talk on the phone, no particular reason. This man has always been good to me and I love him dearly. I don't know how to broach this subject or even if I should.
I'd sure like to know what you think. Thanks for listening!
Mary
I agree with Gerald's comments. Your Father-in-Law may not want to bring it up just because he doesn't want to upset you. I am Catholic also. I know that some old timers do not agree with cremation. Maybe the subject is just too awkward for him to bring up.
I think you did everything appropriately also and carried out your husband's wishes. Hugs to you.
Another Mary
My kids and Leane's parents were talking about burial and which church and what not. I said, "now hold on there! Leane made her wishes clear to me. We both wanted to be cremated (actually, I wanted to be driven down the highways in the Rocky Mountains and kicked out down the rocks so the buzzards and bears could eat, but she wasn't down with that so I settled on cremation.
Leane was very spiritual, but she did not believe in organized religion. I had to tell the whole family that this may be be what y'all want, but this isn't about you. Leane wanted this, so this is what she will get. It ended up being almost perfect (would have been perfect if it wasn't her service :( )
Mimi, everything we do now is for us and for our lost spouses. I plan to complete the things we said we'd do. I will not change anything that Leane wanted to make anyone feel better. They are still alive and can make whatever arrangements they want for themselves. You did what you knew Mark wanted you to do. It's hard to say no to family, especially with this stuff. I am proud of you, and you should be proud of you as well.
Oh yes, just call him and set up a time to visit. It sounds like it's a long overdue visit with just the two of you. He lost his son, and you are his daughter. There will be a lot he may want to say. He may want to ask you if his son was truly happy before he departed. I had some of these questions in my long overdue talk with my father in law. We laughed a bit, cried a lot, but it brought us together more than anytime before in 18 years.
Take care.
xoxo
In this stage of our lives, I realized many times we overthink a situation.. and that might just be your cause. There are infinite reasons why your father-in-law might not wanna talk about it.. If I were you, just to get this off your mind, I would tell him the next time you talk... By the way, if you ever feel like you would like to see his ashes, its here anytime for you. I know for me, I would be very difficult to even begin to have any type of closure without seeing the box or the ashes. Sometimes that what it takes for us to believe.
Maggie
My in-laws were devout Catholics and were both cremated. They were told that the Church now sanctioned cremation as long as the ashes were interred on hallowed ground. Maybe that is what is holding your FIL back. I hesitate to even mention the next thing. Some might think this is just horrible, but I have known families who used this solution to give everyone peace. If your FIL wants to see his son's ashes buried in blessed ground, could you bring yourself to share some of the cremains with him?
My husband, like yours. no longer even referred to himself as Catholic. According to his wishes, he was cremated and the family went out to the beach that we both loved, the place where we both felt the closest to God. His sister offered a prayer, anyone who wished said a few words remembering Tony, a few songs were sung, and our oldest son and I walked into the surf to spread his ashes on the waves. It was so much more meaningful for us than any service in the established church could have been.
You did just fine. Sandee
When a parent loses a child, (yes a child) just as your children will always be your baby's, the loss is different.
At his age he was taught to hold it in. This is very common in my culture, to be strong and not show the sorrow. For him it may just be easier to do that by not speaking his name. But he may come around by way of talking with his grandchildren. Sharing with them stories of their father.
I also don't think it has to be about cremation, but more about the way his generation of men were expected to handle grief.
You might want to ask if there is anything he would like to do with the family to honor the anniversary. But keep in mind that day may be a bit overwhelming for you too, so a light dinner?
Why don't you invite him over for dinner sometime? Then you could talk with him, see what's up, and if he wants to see the ashes then there is no delay. He may be worried that now that he has lost his son that he has lost you, too. Don't know, but that is a possibility.
Hope this helps....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
{{{{{{hugs to all}}}}}}
Mary