I am sorry that this is what it is. For some reason (maybe because everyone else thinks so, and have gone back to their life) we think at 10 months we should be better. When it still hurts as much as it did the day before, it can drain your hope.
I found DS in my 10th month, and for me it saved my life.

I do like to go to movies and a movie buddy might help?
One, is you usually don't talk through a movie. (also no one questions tears or laughter)
Two, it takes your mind on a virtual trip, I like "Fantasy" movies best (a good grief break diversion)
The Buddy will talk over points of the movie in conversation (sometimes it happens days later for those "What the heck did I just see" type movies)
Dress is casual and make-up not required ( It's dark in the theater)

It's also doing something for you. Even if you smile you learn that you do have that need, just as you did before you met your husband. There is nothing wrong with that, but it takes practice and there may even be a twinge of guilt. But that's okay, it happens to us as we get to know ourselves all over again.

Lastly, you have some good friends here. I have a couple that I do talk on the phone with, because I met them here on DS. Who better to understand this? Exchange numbers when you are comfortable. and then call.

I have been doing this with the friends I have met here, we also watch movies together(netflix, youtube, TV and Amazon all can be done across the state borders), by phone and share our thoughts.
It's not the same as being with John but it's not alone either.

In my first year I wrote letters to John quite often, you can do this in a journal or on paper. I like to think if the internet waves pass through the heavens, the reception has to be great up there.

Hugs and my heart,
Jewell

I am so sorry for everything you are going through, on top of losing Mike. This journey can feel more like a roller coaster than anything else at times.
Jewell had some very good ideas. I myself may have to try some of those. I am very thankful that I found this site, because people here really understand... even on our worst days, when we feel like giving up.. they have been there, they understand where we are coming from in a way that the people in our everyday world do not.
I never thought I would be on this earth without Shane... and I absolutely hate it. I am a mess. It helps to come here and let it out and know that we will not be deemed "too much work" or a "headache" like some of our family/friends have done.
Hugs to you... Amy

"I hate being alone and I hate going anywhere by my self." that is me, exactly...I find that when i go out to eat, because i have not cooked in our kitchen now for months, I can only go to places that really meant nothing to my wife..i.e. little fast food places that i would go too for example, after dropping her off at dialysis.. if i go to a restaurant that we loved..the tears will flow... heck...they try even in the places that should wouldnt care about..because we want them there with us!

i've had plenty of drama in the "social life" department as well..no actual dating...but lots of drama..i felt guilty at first...but again..its because you would much rather be planning to go on a date..with your spouse..you didnt want someone else... but..someone else is not replacing them... someone else can just be some nice company..or someone to talk too..or watch a movie with...thats ok...and if it led to more..well thats ok too..our loved one would want us to be happy..being happy will never mean we forgot them, or minimize what we once had. It will just be an addition to our lives if we get lucky in that regards..

it sounds like 10 months is another one of those milestones..our brain is anticipating 12 months and really starts to put the pressure on...im right there with ya...295 days and counting..also felt like you just 2 nights ago..

the lonliness does suck, but i saw some good suggestions below, and I also chat with other folks from the site as well..i think most of us are open to that..we all understand what we are going through and it is nice to have that added support of chatting / talking with someone

*hug* for you

Thank you every one for the kind words and suggestions. I am so glad I found DS. Not glad I needed it but glad to have friends. Friends are such a rare commodity and its hard to find someone that's accepting of the fact that I am now a widow. Weird to even type that.

I try so hard to honor Mike. He deserves that. I would like to exchange phone numbers but I wouldn't know where to start and if I talked to someone I would for sure cry at least for the first few minutes. Hugs
Lisa

Lisa, your post broke my heart. I used to feel like that everyday. Hang in there.. time is on your side and it will allow you to heal. One day at a time, Deep breath and you will come out stronger. Hugs!

I'm sorry Lisa. I know it feels like it gets worse and in a lot of ways it does. I thought about death every day for a very long time and any mention of an illness sent me reeling, or even thinking good thoughts would turn to a worry about those loved ones getting hurt, becoming ill, dying unexpectedly. And you think you should be getting better, should have already pulled yourself together, knew what to do to get better, etc. You are not a nut case, although grief is personal in many ways in just as many ways it is universal, as in ways that you mention in your post, and in that it will get better.
Hugs,
Jean