Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Pretty early on after my boyfriend passed I knew I wanted to see the autopsy report. He had had so many health problems I was hoping that maybe the report would have some answers. Now that the cause of his heart attack has been determined, accidental overdose, I have realized that there probably were not any underlying health issues. The reality is that neither of us recognized the fact that he had a prescription drug addiction and that was causing the other health issues. But still ever since finding that out I want to read the report even more. I am obsessing over getting the report. Not only that but I want to know exactly what happened once he was taken from our home, not him specifically but just in a general manner. I wonder what happened to the clothing he was wearing that night, if it was released to the family with his body or not. I could ask his family, but it's such an odd question to ask and I mostly talk to them through text messages and that's not really a question you want to ask like that. It's not that I necessarily want the clothing, I guess I just want the option? My mom threw out the sheets that were on our bed, which is where he passed. At the time I didn't really care, but now I find that I'm kind of upset that I don't have them. Is that completely crazy? Has anyone been obsessed with details like I am? I think I do have to blame him for that though because he always wanted to know as many details or information possible, he would spend hours researching things on the internet. I feel like if the situation were reversed that he would be doing the exact same thing, I feel like this is what he would want me to do. Have I completely lost it?
Have you sought counseling? It can be very helpful.
You will probably get more answers to "how" than to "why." I think in order to understand whether there were underlying health problems, you would have to read more than the autopsy report. I don't know whether his doctor would be willing to talk with you about it.
In my case, it was 2.5 years after the fact that I was cleaning out papers from Cliff's office when I came across the paperwork from his last doctor's appointment which was 14 months before he died. His doctor would not sign the death certificate because it had been over 12 months since he had seen Cliff. That had created the situation where an autopsy had to be done, which was a nightmare for us. Anyway, the paperwork showed that Cliff was diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol, that the doctor's staff had put him on a heart monitor while he was there, and that they wanted follow-up blood work, etc., as a prelude to treatment. Cliff didn't tell me any of this. He never went for the blood work, and wouldn't go back to the doctor the following year. I could not understand why he wouldn't see the doctor - I actually had made him an appointment but he wouldn't get out of the car and sat in the parking lot! He was afraid, I guess, of being chewed out by the doctor or being found out that he had lied to me by not telling me. Finding that paperwork, and finding out he knew he had the conditions that later killed him, sent me through the whole loss all over again. To this day, I can't tell my sons what happened - how could I?
I guess what I am saying is that I understand the need to understand, but I am telling you that it may not make things any easier for you to know all the gorey details, too.
Don't be so hard on your Mom about the sheets. Death beds are messy and gross. The body releases everything (pee and poop) when it dies, so the sheets would have had to be cleaned and possibly still tossed even if she had not done that. I had to wait until after the autopsy report to clear out the bedroom and the bed in case the cops wanted back in, and the paramedics left it a complete mess. It was awful. Trust me, that's not what you want to remember about him.
I agree with Pamela, counseling would be helpful for you. Do you have access to counseling? I got mine through an Employee Assistance Plan at work, so it was free. Some EAP programs are attached to insurance, so you have to pay a small fee, but if there is an EAP program you have access to, check it.
Hope this helps....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I talked to Alex's friends, an ex girlfriend, and now that I have run out of options and people to talk to..I finally do feel a bit better. Certainly didn't "fix" my problems, its just that I can't get any more info.
Though, looking into gory details may be traumatizing.