DJC, I didn't know Rich, but he sounds a lot like my wife Valerie, whom I lost a little over two months ago. I would like to offer this bit of advice and encouragement. Do not fight the urge to cry or yell, or get mad or any other feelings you may have. These are a natural part of the grieving process and I am quite sure Rich would understand and even encourage you to let it out. During the first month after Valerie passed, I did nothing but cry all day every waking moment. I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares, I continually had flashbacks of that horrible night, I had non-stop panic attacks. It was so bad, I had to get on medication to help control the panic attacks and nightmares, which has helped a little bit. It has only been a little over two months since I lost the love of my life and I am still a basket case most of the time. Like you, Valerie was my everything, we were together for 32 years and she was my soulmate, my best friend, my go too person when I needed to talk or was feeling sad, she was the love of my life and literally my everything, so I understand the pain you are going through. The night she was taken was unexpected and out of the blue. We were in bed together and just about to fall asleep when she suffered a massive heart attack. I called 911 and started CPR. I worked on her for about 15 min before the medics arrived. They worked on her at the house, in the ambulance all the way to the hospital and at the hospital, totaling about one hour, but were unable to save her. The memory of her face looking at me when I was doing everything that I could to help her will forever haunt me. I still have flashbacks and nightmares about it, In a single moment, I went from being the happiest man on earth, to losing everything and no hope for a future. All of our plans, hopes and dreams for retiring and spending the rest of our lives in each other's arms are gone. Like you, I am completely devastated and crushed, but I have found that telling my story helps to some degree and I encourage you to do the same. I have found that this website feels like a safe place to do that because we are with people that are going through the same pain and sorrow particularly in this group. Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a sibling, a child, or even a parent. The special bond between a husband and wife goes much deeper than any other human relationship. Believe me I know. I have lost other relatives including our oldest son to cancer, but none of them have compared to losing the love of my life and my soulmate. I have asked the same questions, "Why her Lord, she has served you so faithfully?" But we may never know the answers to our questions until we are reunited with them in Heaven and God gives us the answers. My point is that everything you are experiencing and feeling is normal for those of us who have lost a spouse. If you have family or friends nearby, keep at least one of them close and lean on them when you need, even if it is having them just sit with you while you go through this devastating grief and sorrow. Just having someone there can help even if they don't say a word, just being there sharing your grief can be a comfort. Don't hold back your feelings or grief, let it out and don't hold back. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God will comfort you and bring you peace as you struggle through this devastating time, and please remember, you are not alone.

My husband sounds a lot like both of your spouses. I lost him 4 months ago to a brain tumor. It was unexpected and fast. I still cry everyday. My first two months was a total fog and still feel it is. There are so many moments in the day that remind me of him and I cry. Something happens and I want to call him. Those moments of being devastated and sad I just want his arms around me. He was my biggest supporter, encourager, and my everything. We are both so young and this still makes no sense to me. I have days where I am so angry and question why, other days I am devestated and cry, and I have some days where I ache all day and miss him but cope through it. I have been told to cry and not hold it in. We are all in a bad place and we are not alone even though that is how we feel because our person is gone. I know he would want me to not cry and be this way but its impossible not to be.

My husband would get so angry when I cry. He would fuss and say stop crying and I would say you yelling at me does not make me stop crying. We talked about his reaction to my tears. He said he really got angry with himself because he could not take away what ever was hurting me and it made him angry he just wanted the hurt to go away and the tears to stop. If he saw how many tears I shed now. .I have to laugh, his head would pop off he'd be so mad. Its so very fresh for all of us on this post and we are relatively young. I know you felt like me. That we will grow old together and play with grand kids and travel because our baby was going off to college. We had about 15 years till retirement and we had just started talking about what we were going to do. He was such a big force I always felt protected whether he was standing next to me or not. People knew who he was and new I was his wife so I never felt unsafe. Even though he worked night he was so respected people would look out for me and my kids on the strength he was such a good guy. No that he's gone. they still look out but I still feel exposed like me protection from the world is gone. I'm not a meek woman I'm proud and independent so this feeling is foreign to me. I'm just waiting the day it gets softer

Dear DJC, I am so so sorry for your loss and the great pain that you feel. I have been there and also had a wonderful husband who loved me better than I ever thought possible.
There are stages to grief. They're not linear and they don't necessarily come in order, but you go through them. It sounds like you have passed out of the shock of losing your husband and have stepped into the part where you start realizing how real this is, how permanent it is. I thanked God for that shock. It helped keep me alive and able to put together a funeral and do all those awful things you have to do when you lose your loved one.
I could not have made it through that awful valley of grief if God had not walked it with me. After the funeral, after everyone had gone back to their happy lives, I went into my bedroom and shut the door and I said, "Father, I trust You with my future and with my children's future". Immediately, I felt God's presence strongly right there in the room with me. He was letting me know that it was going to be alright. He accepted my sacrifice, my submission to this new, very-unwanted reality, and God helped me through it every single day. (And you do have to take each day by itself, one day at a time.)
He can and will do this for you as you hold on to Him and trust Him with everything.
It will help you to have a confidant, someone you can bare your thoughts to; because grief is a spiritual battle and it's exhausting. Share the fears you have, the regrets you have, everything that weighs on you, with a friend.
I'll pray for your daily comfort as you walk this out. <3

DJC-I find so many similarities in our situations. I have always been an independent self sufficient woman but now I have realized that it was knowing I had him and his strength that let me be that. I go to work everyday and take care of all my own needs and day to day issues and people think I am doing really well but inside I am completely lost and feel so alone. My husband was my entire world he was the only one I wanted to do things with the one I couldn't wait to talk to about my day my best friend the love of my life. He told me everyday all he wanted was to spend his life by my side and how much he loved me. I miss him so bad that its unbearable and it is just getting worse. I feel so hopeless and I don't want to be here without him. Yesterday was 3 months and everyone has gotten on with their lives so I don't feel comfortable talking about how Im feeling with my family. he was the only one I ever shared my feelings with I just don't know how to do this without him.

my heart goes out to you. And truly anyone that has lost a spouse. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy ( if i had one) because no one should suffer this way.. and I have to keep reminding myself that the loved ones we lost aren’t suffering at all.. it’s us, the ones still here. So sorry for you. Sounds like we are at pretty much the same stages in our grieving. I try to hold back my tears when at work but it’s not always easy.

My dear MrsMarshall-wow just when you think no one gets you someone comes along and speaks your heart. I understand each and every word. There are even times I wish I had went with him. And yes life went on for everyone else. Its hard yo see others smile while I ache. Its been about 2 months now. Strange thing yesterday was Christmas. I thought I would wake up all tears. Me and the kids laughed joked cooked and ate not one tear. We talked about him and his craziness. Still no tears. I got a reprieve for one day and thank you Lord for it. Not to say I wont be a basket case again at any moment. But I know he is alright. I have that strong a faith. I remind myself if he's alright I can now focus on me. I leaned on him and drew strength from him. I do it different now. I close my eyes and I say are you here. If it were me who went first I would be there. So I know he's with me when I call. How could he stop after all these years. I ask are you here then I make myself relax. Maybe its a mind trick maybe its real but I always feel a small pressure as if he is touching me. I feel your love was like ours. So he is there. Call on him then lean into it and relax. It may not work all the time but for the times that it does enjoy that relief and draw as much strength as you can at that time. Squirrel it up. I know if I went first he would have struggled and I would do everything in my power to ease any suffering he felt. When I need to I pray. When I cant pray I sing that gospel that makes you jump out your seat. And should all that fail I simply repeat Jesus Jesus Jesus because the words are not coming. I pray strength for you I understand exactly how hard it is.