Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

1 Online

maryelnew 04/29/2015

I've been having a rough few days and I can't seem to get passed it. I keep comparing the hospital room my Mom is in post-op vs. what my husband was in during his hospitalizations. The hospital my mother is in, they are all private rooms that include a built in couch that expands to a bed for someone to stay, are super spacious and she has an ocean view. A beautiful facility. The hospitals my husband were in all had your typical semi-private room and I always felt I should only stay so late especially if he had the window side so I didn't disturb his roommates. I would stay until his roommates started to settle in for the evening - after I heard them make their final phone calls home, turn their tvs low etc.. I still don't think it would have been right to not give his roommates their privacy but always hated to leave if my husband was still awake and there were times I knew he wished I could have stayed longer. I can't help but keep seeing my mothers room in my head and it makes me so sad and makes me feel like I someone abandoned him there. I know in my head it isn't true, but my heart is feeling otherwise. I also feel a bit angry about it too - just the unfairness of it. My Mom goes to bed early and slleeps througs the nigiht - - my husband not to bed early and did not sleep through the night due to his meds and the stress of the illness. I'm stuck in these emotions and the image of her room just keeps popping into my head.

letmehelpyou 04/29/2015

I am sorry. My husband was not hospitalized, so I don't have those images. The image of him on our stairs dying, haunted me for months if not years.The images lessen and soften with time, but I totally get what you are saying. Your rational mind wants to take over, but you are stuck in your emotions in that moment.

Hugs,
Val

sassiesoftail 04/29/2015

So sorry you are having a rough time. I also had some triggers the last couple of weeks'
I never get sick but came down with the flu and was feeling very alone, no one to take care of me. Then my Mother in Law had a mild stroke and that combined with not feeling well was enough to trigger my grief again.
Hugs, Sandi

JesusisOurSaviour 04/29/2015

Dear Maryel,
I understand those emotions that you can't seem to shake. You mind will work it all out, it just takes time.
My husband, Ben went through a long, long illness, too. Those images of his pain, discomfort, sheer suffering, would hit me like a ton of bricks, for a few months, after he passed. I believe that is normal part of grieving, when you have gone through a long terminal illness, with your husband. Now 9 months later, I still have memories, of that time, but less sadness. Your strength of mind will get you through.
I hope all is OK, as can be. Just Remember, one day at a time,
Love to you....Sandra

dschwartz 04/29/2015

I totally get it Mary. My hubby died in hospital also. In the past year, I've had to visit the hospital three times . . the memories all come flooding back (triggers). I don't think this will ever change, sadly. Hospitals will always trigger the memories of his passing. I also understand your feeling(s) of wanting to have been with him more often. I could sleep at the hospital, but I really couldn't get good sleep. I also had three dogs and a cat to care for at home. The one night I finally came home to get a good rest was the night he had his final heart attack. Talk about "guilt"! I now know that there was nothing I could have done even if I'd been there. I wouldn't have been able to change anything. Acceptance that we did the best we could is key. You did the best you could my friend. I hope you will find solace and healing soon. It's a long journey, but you can survive it. You will survive it. Hugs to you, Dayna

kimmyewing 04/29/2015

Triggers are going to be everywhere. My husband's oncologist is also my hematologist that I had to start seeing after I had PE's in my lungs almost a year ago. Lately I haven't been able to get my levels to the correct ranges with my Coumadin so I have been having to go to the doctor's office weekly to have my blood tested. Every time I walk in there I look around and think about this appointment or that or sometimes and this is really sad I think about wanting him there to be having treatment or something because at least he would be there with me. The nurses and staff are all really nice and bring back memories of the healthier Ryan but I still find it hard to sit there when no one is talking to me. Sometimes I make a friend come with me for the 20-30 minutes that I am there just to keep my mind occupied. I think things not even related to our spouses are triggers no matter what until we start to get to a point where we can accept they are here and can start to move on.

Join the Conversation