I am sorry about your loss Russ. I am four weeks ahead of you on this dreadful road. However, even though I still cry a few times daily, today I have decided that the rest of my life will not be blighted for ever by this breathtaking loss.

This weekend, I am visiting my youngest daughter - she is married and lives some 150 miles away from my home. She loved and admired her father very much. I loved my husband and had been married to him for 40 years. We talked a lot with my daughter and it helps. She is sad but has all the enthusiasm of youth which is nice to see and good for my moral.

I am sure there will be plenty of "down" days ahead but I am also sure that our respective spouses would not want us to be deeply unhappy vitam aeternam. I hope to transfer a bit of my slim and probably short-lived optimism to you today.

Take care.

Russ......I will e 15 weeks monday.... I was married 48 yrs with him 49 years. ....... believe me, you will survive..... It has to be bad before it gets any better.....its the path we were given to trod.... ou really need to get away from everyone so you can grieve uncontrolable.....you have to let it out.....I was alone for a while and it was better..... but with people around me 24/7, am going backwards... its a battle we must fight, on our own....Don't give up... please?

(((((hugs)))))

I feel your pain Russ. I am only at 3 1/2 weeks since losing the love of my life. I cry all day every day and just like you I think I'm at rock bottom and then I find a new low. I feel completely empty and hopeless. The one thing I do know is that it does get better, this is my second journey down this devastating road. I lost my first husband when I was 32 yrs old and now at 49 yrs old I've lost Gordie. The first time I contemplated ending my life because it hurt so bad but amazingly as time went by, I learned to cope and eventually reinvested in life. This is a journey I wish nobody ever had to go through, it's a pretty huge price to pay for loving people. I didn't find the second year to be harder, for me it was the first year and slowly but surely I started to heal. Please hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Pam

Russ I'm at 15 months and the first yr. is behind me, with lots of ups and downs. I agree about the 2nd yr. I really hope and pray that's not the case, even though this past week has been an emotional one. I guess when it all comes down to it, we just need to focus on today, and not worry so much about what tomorrow will bring...None of us are promised tomorrow...So its good to talk today, what's on your mind...

Russ - I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You are in my thoughts, I hope it eases a bit for you soon. -Deb

Russ,
It will be 13 months for me in 4 days. I can assure you that it does get better with time, though I still have bad days....We were married for 42 years, so I still have those horribly lonely empty days. I know Gene wouldn't have wanted me to miserable, so I do my very best to try to keep my spirits up. The best advise is to take care of yourself- get lots of rest, eat what you can, see friends and family often, and try to remember all the good times you spent together. And, don't expect to get over the loss of the love of your life overnight.
Hugs....
Sue

My second year was better than my first, my third better than the second, the fourth better than the third, the fifth better than the fourth, and I am still making progress and moving forward. If you tell yourself that it will only get worse instead of better, you will convince yourself of that and then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't do it.

It might help you to see a counselor for a time. Counseling was my private place to scream and cry, away from my sons. Yes, my kids saw me cry, we cried and grieved together and they know it's perfectly normal and healthy to grieve and cry. But sometimes you need a different space and a different kind of support and guidance, and counseling can provide some of that. As a parent, it is always a tough call, too, as to how much you let your kids know you are suffering. We also see THEIR suffering, and grieve on their behalf, too. It adds to the difficulty, and I think for some widowers it is especially difficult, as you may have always been seen as the "strong one" along with the societal pressure to just suppress how you feel, etc., simply because you're a guy. My sons had a hard time because various idiots told them they needed to "be strong" and other unhelpful comments. My boys had counseling, too. It was one of the best decisions I made that terrible first year. My gaining strength also meant I was better able to help my sons through this. If I hadn't, it would have been like my boys lost BOTH of us.

Counseling is not a forever thing. You only use it as long as you need it or as often as you need it. It helped us through the worst of the early months, and also helped us through some of the life transitions we had to face as a family without Cliff.

Something you can do yourself is to get a copy of "Seven Choices-Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. Amazon has it for about $12 for new, cheaper for used (Amazon in the UK it's about 12), or your public library may have it. I wished I had found this book earlier than I did. It was instrumental in my healing and rebuilding my life. It was like a gentle guide, which coupled with counseling and being here on DS made my healing and rebuilding possible.

I am sorry it hurts so. It will ease, honest. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha