I keep on reminding myself that feelings are neither good or bad. They're just feelings. Try to be gentle with yourself and let it be ok to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. While I think there are right and wrong ways to act, I truly believe that it's ok to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. At this point, a lot of what I feel is pissed off at my husband for dying suddenly and leaving me with a huge messy hole in my center
((hugs))

Don passed just over 3 years ago. I too have had anger and resentment to deal with. What I found after forcing myself to really dig into my feelings is that there was a bunch of separate incidences that just added up to one big ball of anger. So I wrote them down as I recognized them and began working on each one to try to bring resolution. Sometimes I wrote, sometimes I cried, sometimes I ranted and raved to Dons ghost, I even went to the creek and threw rocks. I went at yard work with a vengeance like each plant was at fault somehow. I talked with a couple of really good friends. In time I was able to come to a place of peace with each individual thing and eventually realized I had had a shift in my feelings and was feeling calmer, more peaceful. This has been a long process and I am sure there is more to experience as time goes by. I pray that you too will find a way to find a peaceful resolution to your anger.

In a couple of weeks, it would be 4 years since my husband passed. I still feel an emptiness in some moments. Couple of weeks ago, I was shopping with my girls at a nice dept store that I have not been since he was gone. As I walked through the shoe dept. I felt angry that he was't there with me. I told my daughter that I was angry and sad. Those feeling can hit any moment. Hugs.

I understand what you mean. Lyn was taking pain medication and I always worried about the stuff. The doctors had her brainwashed into thinking there were no other alternatives. I, for years, begged her to look into some other interventions to handle her pain. But she stayed with what she was comfortable with.
I constantly battle with thinking that if only she would have gotten off the things and tried something else maybe she would be here with me now. But if I stay focused on that I will be posting and responding to all of you from a psych ward. We had retirement plans and I was so excited about the possibility of us spending so much time together not worrying about me punching a time clock and would be at home with her for regular meals and just spend time on weekends going on day trips. Among so many other things. And now when it is time to retire I ask myself to what? To be by myself? I'm not angry at her just disheartened over our plans being completely dissolved. But I'm not in control so I go along for the ride until my race is over.
Peace, Tim

Oh I was quite the little bundle of anger and resentment. I have always been a planner, a good girl. I did things the "right" way and expected my results. Those results did not include my husband dead at the age of 41 from a massive heart attack. Not part of the plan, and I resented God for changing my plan. I also resented J.R. for laughing at me when I yelled at him about taking better care of himself as we hit middle age. He would always say "We have plenty of time, don't worry!" Resentful that my worries came true and he hadn't listened. Resentful that he had abandoned me, because I felt abandoned, even if it was not his choice. I think it is totally normal and it subsides with time. Took me about two years to work through all my anger and to the place where I was just grateful to have him for as long as I did.

Hugs,
Val

Thank you all for sharing. Xx

I have been at this 3 years and a few months and this morning when I looked at a wedding picture that has stayed on display on a wall, I got angry at him...Angry that I was left being to work through some tough decisions on my own...Angry that the plans we were talking about were taken away...Angry that he won't be there with me to do and see what we were hoping for in the future such as watching our children build their life as adults, being grandparents , enjoying retirement... He never made it to retirement and I was force figure out a financial future so that I would not lose the average house we work so hard for...
I even said the phrase "You promised to be there for me..." and then "You hated to rock the boat , did you give up instead of fighting ? "

In my heart I know that he did what he could and would have done anything to be with his family...Being human , once in a while I allow the pity party to intrude...

When we were first married Morey took care of EVERYTHING.....every bill, every payment...EVERYTHING! As the years progressed, as our children grew and life in general changed I began to realize that no one person can take care of everything in a household without some help....so, I went to work right before the kids reached their teenage years and never looked back.

Talk about becoming a professional juggler....get up, get the kids up, make sure everyone is heading in the right direction, teacher conferences, husbands needs....my needs [yeah right!]

The years pass and you grab every chance you can to be with each other, to enjoy each other and before you know it, the kids are ready for college, they've fallen in love, you want to retire but really can't afford it.....your parents are growing older and one by one they're passing away, leaving you to be the matriarch and patriarch's of the family.

And, then the worst thing that could ever happen to you happens.......one of you dies......the fear, anger, resentment of promises made to each other to be "there" for each other forever is broken and now what do you do? The kids look to you; the expectations are enormous. The decisions that you MUST make without consultation with your partner are too much to bear!

Life happens and how we deal with all of it speaks to who we really are!

Feeling are not right or wrong, they just are! What we feel on a daily basis can change on a daily basis! I want understanding, love and warmth from all of the people who surround me. If I can't get these from the people I'm with.......I'd rather be alone!!!

I wish you well, with calm and easy days ahead!

Roz

Fantastic thoughts you shared. Thank you

I'm angry as well, I feel like we are too young to have them leave us. I'm not supposed to be a widow. So I keep writing to him telling him how I feel.

Today in honor of my anger towards Rusty's death, when I went to the store I intentionally bought a brand of toilet paper he would've hated (he was particular about certain brands). When I came home I laughed and was talking in the house to myself how I could buy whichever brand I wanted since he wasn't here to stop me. I'm very angry at having to pick up the pieces....but I will some how.

Ha ha Jenjencha, thank you for sharing that. My husband used copious amounts of baby powder in place of deodorant. A blanket of it would continually cover everything in the house even the cats. I did some thing similar to express my anger. I hunted down every container of it and laughed as I hurled it in the garbage. Ha ha finally, you don't need this where you are so I'm getting it out of my misery. I remember him fondly every time I look around and don't see the stuff settled in every nook and cranny.

I have no resentment against my husband. He tried SO HARD to live. I harbor resentment against life. We were at the brink, ready to jump into retirement and now I get instead to walk down a long, long tunnel alone and I resent this ALOT. Though I do realize there is a Master plan I don't understand and must make the best of. We must look ahead and see beauty in this day I wish you all some touch of happiness today.

This seems to be a common thread with everyone. Like you I know my wife did not have a say in her leaving either. I have the same anger and resentment about the future I thought we were going to have. I really was looking forward to us hobbling along at the store or any where else. Sitting by the fire in the winter because the cold bothered us more than when we were younger. Reviewing all the things we had gone thru in our lives together and the one we lived before meeting each other. I can say this, she fulfilled her promise of living the rest of her life with me, but I, like everyone else here really thought it would be further down the road. Take care.
Peace, Tim

HI Jesys.
Yes, I too on one hand agree with you. The resentment fades, the great longing and missing sets in again as we go on our emotional roller coaster ride from one hour to the next, one day to the next. I too at times don't resent him because he fought more than anyone I know. The doctors gave him two weeks. He lived another 2 and 1/2 years because "he wasn't ready to say goodbye to his kids and me yet".

But he got soooo tired. He was in pain. He didn't want to live a meaningless existence where he wasn't doing more for his family. So he told me that he is not going to fight anymore. He is going to let go. And in 3 months he was gone. He gave up on fighting. I know that had more to do with his coming to terms with it than anything, but it was such a personal assault to me when he said it because I felt like he was giving up on me too. We had had such bitter arguments (for about 4 months and you don't realise how we NEVER argued - we just had such a similar outlook on life that we were the best buddies) for us to argue was so strange. It was an attack on our relationship that seared our hearts. But when he "gave up" we had the most incredible months of fun and peace and love that I can only look back now and be thankful that we had the time in which to say our goodbyes, make right things that were misconceptions, ask for forgiveness. And during this time I learnt that the aggression he sometimes had was in fact the illness that was fighting with him, in his body it was screaming that he needs to get help. It was a good time to be in with him, when we found our peace. But I still resent that I didn't get to have longer with him. We were supposed to grow old together. See our grandchildren, sit on the verandah and appreciate the days together. I guess it was incredibly selfish of me to want him to hang around for my sake when he was obviously hurting so much. But I would still ask it and I still want it.

I couldn't say it better than my daughter, everytime she cries for him:

I just want Dad BACK!.

And then I have another emotional roller coaster ride:.....
I resent the fact that I am so dependent on anyone else. Why can't I just get on with it? Why does it have to hurt sooo much? Why am I never going to get "over this"? Because I realise that now, it means I have to learn to carry this burden with me for the REST of my life. Why did I have to love soooo deeply? Because THAT is why it hurts soooo much? It's wrong to love so much. Because your heart is tied up with someone else. You lucky to find it with your mate!!!!! And naturally its with your kids, when they are born you see your heart walking around in a little body....

But I would do it again all over again. Deeper, longer, harder, more, sooner, completely head over heels again.

Always.

Love and peace to you all.

xx