Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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lmj90 07/10/2015

It has been so rough since Mike passed. I spoke with him only hours before he died. Many times (daily +) he would call while on the road for work before he reached his destination. I re live that 7 min conversation over and over in my head millions of times a day. I was driving from a near by town where we bank and my phone rang as it always did. We talked about our kids and the agenda for the day. I reached my destination sooner than usual and I told him I was back from my errands and had to go so I could get to work. We ended our conversation with out me saying I love you!!! I have SO MUCH guilt for that. It is not like me not to say "have a good day and I love you" at the end of every phone call. I can' t go back I will never get to say those words to him again and have tremendous guilt and regret. I know everyone says we usually never get to say what we would want to say if given the chance but I feel I was given that chance and due to my 'hurried" need to get to work I didn't take it. We talked usually alot by phone during the day. It is just killing me!!! I have learned my lesson but its too late now. I know its early in the grief process but I can't forgive myself

loveddogs 07/10/2015

LMJ90, I think we all feel there are things we wish we should have said or done. Don't beat yourself up, He knew you loved him without saying so everytime you spoke. We all have those what if's why didn't I etc. But they serve no purpose but to make our journey through grief even harder. Bottom line is we are all humans. And actions often speak louder than words. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. I am so very sorry for your loss. But the people in this support group are fantastic. Hugs to you, Michele

joannklingaman 07/10/2015

Lmk90..... Amazing what you just posted, because the last couple of days I have been beating myself up on Why didn't I ask Larry this or that before he was gone. Out of the blue ..I remember him saying a few weeks before he was gone "I've made some mistakes in my life." and I remember just saying "Oh Babe we all have made mistakes."
So now all of a sudden I'm thinking maybe he wanted to share some of those mistakes (even though I already knew some) and I didn't ask him and now I feel guilty.....

I just miss him so much & want to talk to him..... I knew losing him was going to be so hard......But NOT this hard !!!!

Shrn 07/10/2015

He knew how much you love him. You showed it in more than words. Don't let a phone call make you doubt him feeling loved, because that love will continue in both your hearts forever. Sharon

lmj90 07/10/2015

JoAnn, Michele
Thank you I am so thankful for the people on this board. I am hurting so much and my mind stays on overdrive. The guilt is huge along with the other things I feel. Im trying so hard to remember that others miss my Mike too but..... I don't know how to help them because I can't help myself

npc4204 07/10/2015

My heart hurts for you. Please know you are not alone. Every one of us has guilt over something, something we did or something we didn't do.
My husband was ill for a long time, we had lots of time to talk, but after he passed I still had things I wished we would have talked about.
Your husband knew you loved him. Please don't beat yourself up.
Hugs,
Janie

letmehelpyou 07/10/2015

Please; I know that it seems impossible right now, but let go of the guilt. There is an unspoken bond that is deeper than any words. He knew how much you loved him.
Hugs,
Val

Nicker07 07/10/2015

I too have some regrets. My husband being in Co me in WA usually called every morning to say hi, love you etc. BUT that morning he did not, he went to early breakfast with his brother, and onto nursing home to see mother. Picked up his Aunt and had massive heart attack. I almost called him to see what happened but did not. AND putting him on the plane I was in hurry to get to town get running around done get home as whenever he left I did many projects. SO I did not stay waiting with him as usual. I think they know though and say heah no big deal. I do not dwell on it but it comes to mind once in awhile still.

eric1971 07/10/2015

You say you can't forgive yourself, there is nothing to forgive, he knows you love him. You did not know it was going to be your last conversation. Instead of wasting energy on beating yourself up maybe try writing a letter to him.

tiger1962 07/11/2015

He knows you love him. He can feel it....always....just like you can feel his love. No need for words. Feeling is the most effective way of communicating because it is from God. Words are only invented by humans. Hugs, Tiger

dschwartz 07/11/2015

I, too, had quite a few regrets and guilt . . for both of us. It was a heavy burden to carry in the beginning. I would simply talk to him as if he were still here with me. Sometimes ranting and raving, others crying and asking for forgiveness . . others forgiving him. I felt like a lunatic in the beginning. I think I might have been in those early days of raw grief. I finally had to let it go. Those emotions only serve to make it harder on ourselves. I was hurt, but continued to hurt me by tormenting self with those things I could not change. I still talk to him sometimes, but the forgiveness between us I know is there now. No more tormenting self!! It is not healthy and serves no purpose other than to hurt you further. You will be able to release these emotions fully before long. Meanwhile, I like Eric's idea of writing a letter to him . . or many letters. Writing is cathartic. Yes, you will cry, you will hurt . . but with time you will be able to let this go. Promise! Gentle hugs, Dayna

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