I think the only strategy that has worked for me is to think of all of the special unique things that my wonderful husband and I shared and to have complete gratitude for those moments. I have had many losses in my life and each one has taught and reinforced the same lesson for me-- you never know how long you or you loved ones will be here so treat each moment of life with the respect it deserves. And iI am so grateful that my husband and I had eleven meaningful and loving years together. I wish you peace as you get through this agony that is our life sometimes.

Amanda, I think a lot of us look for something we could of done differently and the listing of "if only I had..." goes on and on. In the end, we're only human and we did the best we could.

Lisastp is right. I try to focus on all the great things that he experienced. That has help me a lot.
Hugs, Sandi

I still have regrets though it hits infrequently its still hard when it hits. All you can do is try to remind yourself you cant changewhat has happened and do better going forward.

It comes with the grieve ,and as with most part of grieving , time will help ease the pain and regrets or at least get a better understanding. What helps me is to remind myself that if I had gone first , I would not have wanted him to keep beating himself up and I know he would want the same from me.

Oh the dreaded 'if only"s how much they made me suffer in those early days. So many things I would have or could have done differently. Feeling the blame from his family for not "taking better care of him".
I had a friend tell me to write a list in my grief journal of all the God things -that he had done for me, I for him, we together. At first I couldn't think about anything at all. Little by little i remembered. And remembering all I had done in the last years, under very stressful circumstances, helped me forgive myself for any wrongs.

You must be early on in your loss. I am and am full of regrets and if only I had done this or said that. My husband died a week after surgery last month, I expected him to be with me many more years after having his surgery. That was the point of it, right. Now all I think of is the time wasted, or if we had had the surgery sooner, or "what if" I did or said things differently. Every day I apologize to him numberous times that i wish I could have the last 6 months as a "do over". Hugs to you and hoping things get easier pretty soon, this for me is horrible..

Regrets and guilt are two sides of the same coin. If only and 'would-coulda-shoulda' are pointless. Guilt will eat up every ounce of your strength if you let it. And it accomplishes nothing - nada, zip, zero. It's interesting, the last time when I had those thoughts and feelings invade my thinking, for days I kept think "if only..." and the equally pointless "why?" -- and I had had all these dreams of him, missing him so much, blaming myself for everything that ever was less than perfect between us.

Then I had the reality dream.

We were arguing over nothing, and he was being a complete d@@khead about nothing, and pitched a childish trantrum and stormed off.

I woke up from that one and thought, "Oh yeah, I was married to a man, not a saint....."

We had a real life marriage, and you did, too. With real love, and real flaws, and real arguments, and real joys, and all the rest of it. And deep down inside, you probably know that your husband wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He loved you for the real person you are. And he died knowing you loved him through it all, and that is what really matters. You loved him. He loved you.

Please don't beat yourself up over it all. We all do it from time-to-time, it's normal, but it accomplishes nothing positive, and I sincerely doubt that he would want you to feel this way. The point of marriage is not to be perfect but to be loving, and you were definitely that!

Wishing you better days ahead....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Amanda: You are discussing the regret which is the first step. Regret and guilt, two sides of the same coin, and both prevent us from recovering and coping with our grief. Regret or guilt is generally anger directed at self, acknowledge and let go. Realize you cannot control the fate of the world or what happens in it. The only thing you can control are your actions in it. And you are not perfect, and you husband was not perfect, but that you loved and loved well, which in the end is all that really matters. The regrets let us focus on the past instead of the scary future. Let them go and gradually all the good memories take over. It just takes time. In the end I let go of my regrets for one simple reason. I know that my husband loved me and wanted nothing more than that I be happy. He would not want me to drown in a sea of regret or what if. In the face of that, I let the regrets go and went about living my life joyfully because that is what he would want.
Hugs,
Val
PS: But this did not happen overnight! Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Amanda, I can so relate to what you are going through. I was so blind-sided when my husband died because so many events from our past that were very hurtful, but which I had shoved into a hole, came rushing through my mind.

I knew as my husband was dying that there were many unresolved issues that we should be talking about--but he was dying. How could I bring them up? I waited and waited and waited for him to open the subject.....but he never did. I went through a year and a half of hell after he died, hating what was being rerun in my mind over and over again. I went to a counselor and she helped tremendously, helping me to understand the type of person that my husband was. Finally one day, the weight lifted and the agony subsided. I had prayed for it to end in large part because I didn't want Jake to see my pain and be wounded by it. I had to accept that, like Martha said, I was married to a human, and even though most people thought he was a saint, he had as many flaws as I did!

I am just now starting to remember the good times and have come to realize that our times of happiness came primarily from working together as Christians in ministry. I know now that that is where I am going to find peace again.