April 26 would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary. Had our 30th 2 weeks before she died. That death sh*t messes us up big-time. At least it did me. Then Easter. Then mother's day. Then her birthday on May 31. She always had the parties for all of these, excepting our anniversary. Oddly, I am much more aware emotionally of this my 3rd full springtime without her. She had died May 8. What a life changer that has been. My biggest complaint with the headgames grief played on me is this: I could not see my behavior for what it really was until I was down the road. I took sabbatical from pastoring 2 months after she died. I've been back twice, a very long time ago. I don't have my long conversations with my Lord God as I did. He knows I love Him. I thank Him for carrying me through this. Ministry was our life together for the last 10 years of her life. Not sure I ever will go back into that. Lord hasn't told me to, and He knows I've got a lot more healing to do. So I'm visiting over at my lady friends, and we walked across the street to visit with her brother. The 3 of us get along so well, and great conversations. So guy to guy, I'm giving him some dating advice because he's a little slow on the moving into a relationship part. He's future tripping over whether this woman will want to move in with him, and he hasn't even had but a few minutes of alone time with her. So I told him, told both him and his sister I'm dating really, the best advice I ever got about dating, It doesn't have to be about anything. I don't know if its my grief, my loss, my selfishness, who knows, but I really don't want to plan a future right now. I just want to plan when we'll be together and fun things to go do. Simple. I grieve the lost plans Juanita and I had together. My plan, just grow old together with her, watch her enjoy watching her grandkids grow up. I would have continued being a spectator and not a participant for the most part. I have so learned to just enjoy the moment set before you. Be a participant in your stream of moments passing before you (your present). And if you can do that, you're not thinking on the past and you're not grieving the loss of a future life with the one and only special love. It's tough to focus on the moments as presented because we feel so overwhelmed emotionally. But you've got to find something special for you to do. Something that pulls you into the moments at hand. Me, I guess early on it became about music for me. Not at all a common interest with Juanita -- my stereo was one of the first items to go in her purge of my bachelorhood. Listening to a really good song on high fidelity equipment is enjoyable if you allow the song to pull you in. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I've got a whole series of music moments going on, not in the past, not in the future, just enjoying the moments. Maybe walking can give you some moments, exercise, eating, shopping, gardening, redecorating, being with family if you've still got any left that didn't disintegrate in the aftermath like me. Of course, I could do something about it. But I just don't want to. A clean start. Like I titled this piece, Reflections. Just thoughts as I try to sort out sh*t in my head. Writing has helped me so much in my recovery, and still does to a much lesser extent. I just don't have the emotional range raging as it was even up to this past summer. I guess I'm returning to a new improved normal, slowly but surely. Yesterday, cleaned a construction crap pile in the pathway to the back door that has been there for a year and a half. Just kept throwing shit on top of the pile, kept getting bigger because I just left it alone. It's gone. I think it made Gloria happy because tonight she said she would be happy to come over and spend more time if I got it cleaned up, my area rug back down, you know (my words), make it livable. So I told her, See, that gives me motivation. I didn't tell her that I have no motivation doing anything just for myself. I spent my adult lifetime taking care of stepchildren, providing for them, and most importantly providing for my wife Juanita. I did few things that were just about me. It was all for us. So I now find myself having to look deep inside for motivation to do anything just for me. Other than my toys, I can pretty much take or leave anything. Clean beautiful house. I'm good with that, lived in a spotless home for 30 years. But I'm just as good with piles of crap and construction tools and materials with paths. Doesn't bother me, and certainly doesn't bother my dog Blue so long as I've got the rock music playin' :) Scott