Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My goodness; evenings and weekends are the hardest. During the day at work I have to focus and be 'present' 100% and it helps if it's a busy day. Evenings and weekends.....a total different story. I try, I really do try to keep myself busy but the thoughts keep coming into my head. I wonder if I had just made him go to the doctor, if I had insisted and gotten firm with him....if only....and realize that he probably would not have gone. He thought he was bullet proof despite the warning signs of an impending heart attack. He was a ticking time bomb and stubborn..?....well, yes, quite.
Some days I think about joining him. I do. I think about it. I don't want to hurt anymore. It's all too much. I feel so alone. I know it's only been 2 months but it feels like forever and it feels like just yesterday, if that makes sense.
I'm told, 'baby steps' by well meaning friends and then have to drag myself out of bed each morning and lay staring at his picture on my dresser at night until I finally fall asleep. I fantasize about him still being alive, what we would do, where we would go; all those plans and conversations.
I think the shock of a sudden death is something that one cannot ever be prepared for. I pray for strength, I pray for resilience, I pray for a day when I won't cry and for the pain in my heart to go away, for the emptiness to fill but know it's a void that cannot ever be filled again.
And then there's the house issue.....
I was about to move into a rental house that he and I had picked out together but something keeps getting in the way. Either the crazy 'Gladys Kravits' neighbor next door freaking out over my having dogs and wanting to put up a fence or the landlord flaking out on a deadline....it's always something. I have finally come to accept that I am not supposed to live there because that's where WE were going to live. Then I start to wonder if it's divine intervention keeping me from that house because maybe I would have a harder time moving forward and I've finally accepted that perhaps it is.
These are the things that consume my thoughts daily, evenings and weekends and there is something about 3:30 in the afternoon on weekends that if I have not actually taken a shower and left my house, I find myself in a puddle of tears, curled up on the couch. I am trying, I promise.
Some days I think about joining him. I do. I think about it. I don't want to hurt anymore. It's all too much. I feel so alone. I know it's only been 2 months but it feels like forever and it feels like just yesterday, if that makes sense.
I'm told, 'baby steps' by well meaning friends and then have to drag myself out of bed each morning and lay staring at his picture on my dresser at night until I finally fall asleep. I fantasize about him still being alive, what we would do, where we would go; all those plans and conversations.
I think the shock of a sudden death is something that one cannot ever be prepared for. I pray for strength, I pray for resilience, I pray for a day when I won't cry and for the pain in my heart to go away, for the emptiness to fill but know it's a void that cannot ever be filled again.
And then there's the house issue.....
I was about to move into a rental house that he and I had picked out together but something keeps getting in the way. Either the crazy 'Gladys Kravits' neighbor next door freaking out over my having dogs and wanting to put up a fence or the landlord flaking out on a deadline....it's always something. I have finally come to accept that I am not supposed to live there because that's where WE were going to live. Then I start to wonder if it's divine intervention keeping me from that house because maybe I would have a harder time moving forward and I've finally accepted that perhaps it is.
These are the things that consume my thoughts daily, evenings and weekends and there is something about 3:30 in the afternoon on weekends that if I have not actually taken a shower and left my house, I find myself in a puddle of tears, curled up on the couch. I am trying, I promise.
Reading your comments, resonates on losing your love. Believe everyday you want to say that their not gone. You knew it was going to be hard ...but NOT this hard. I saw the following the other day and wrote it down. I read it everyday & hopefully this might help you.
I thought of you my Love today
But that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday & days before that too
I think of you in Silence & often speak your name
All I have are memories & your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake which I'll never part
God has you in his keeping
And I have you in my heart
Although I can not walk in your shoes, I can relate to so many of the things you are saying. I know that my husband wants me to go on and live my life and try to be happy.
Hugs to you !
Ruthann
You write:" think the shock of a sudden death is something that one cannot ever be prepared for."
My wife passed in her sleep so I have some experience there. As a former computer programmer I am trained to analyze all situations and look at all outcomes. Where I got to was that SJ's sudden death was the best gift she could have received. No pain or suffering just bam! She would not have wanted to survive an event like that as she was a proud and spirited woman and had no time for bullshit. I'm glad for her peaceful passing.
For me it was difficult but after reading the stories of pain and suffering many of the spouses and familys endured before the eventual end, I concluded it also was a blessing for me if it had to happen. This will be a difficult time for you and I cannot fix that but only advise you that in time the pain begins to lift and you can celebrate the time you had with a special person. I'm very sorry you have to travel this road but it is a fact of life and you have many cohorts and friends here for support. I was given many good years with a special lady and her wish to me from our discussions is for me to carry on her legacy and flourish in my new journey.
Peace to you my friend!
Dewey and his mouser Harley. (P.S. lizards are now in season too)
Hugs to you!
Dewman
Everything else you have expressed is quite normal in early grief. I remember getting sick of hearing the repetitive "baby steps and one day at a time", but it works and that's why we remind ourselves and others of this. Grief is complex with many differing stages, thus we sometimes don't know what to expect from one moment (or day) to the next. Sigh. No easy answers.
Hang in there my friend. We're hanging with you. Hugs, D
When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
You can always find something to do
But from dusk till dawn as the clock ticks on
Something happens to you
In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the boy
And never ever think of counting sheep
When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be his if only he'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss him most of all
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgpTr6ZjYz8
That's me and you and us here. Sad, but at least we're in this together.
I am telling this so you know I understand, but I also want you to know that you WILL get through this. It will not always be so horribly painful. You CAN get through this. It's going to take a lot of tears and a lot of work, but it will ease up and then start to get better. Even happiness is possible - I know you won't believe that right now - I didn't either - but it's true.
I am sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this. I am glad you found us so that you don't have to try to go it alone.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Dont beat yourself up over what ifs you are only hurting yourself for no reason, you loved him you gave him the best life you could take pride in that.
I pray you find some peace and please vent all you want here it will help and we will help you get through this.
Hugs,
Ron
My heart hurts for all of you who experienced a sudden passing of your spouse. It's a shock indeed.
My husband was hospitalized for 89 days, then went to a hospice center for a week, then he came home for a week before he died.
My fear was he would have a stroke and have to go to a nursing home.
He suffered the last months of his life. Congestive heart failure is a terrible way to die.
His hospital bills were over a million dollars.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Hugs,
Janie
The last year since his passing my neighbor and I went to dinner or a movie, etc. Now she is very ill and I am back to square one. Most of my other girlfriends are married so weekends are reserved rightfully for their husband and family time. What to do alone... Not easy... Weekdays are okay. I was thinking of volunteering on the weekend, at least one day. Any ideas out there....???