Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Rambling

victoria2014
victoria2014

It has been a year and five months since my husband passed away. No matter how much time passes by, I am convinced that I will grieve his death until the day I die...The time has lessened the intensity of pain and despair but there is no day goes by without thinking of him. 


The chaos of dealing with initial death itself, the complete loss of my being, the life as I knew it disappeared in a split second... and then there were what now? I have been married most of my adult life. How do I become a single person or widow? Me? Widow? I never thought I will earn that title... there are never a good time or enough of time to loose a spouse.... loosing a spouse takes you to the life’s ultimate triumph in that how resilient we are, being able to keep on breathing, keep on living...while standing on the edge where sand meets the ocean, we are constantly hit by the wave of grief...no where to go, no where to hide, but to accept and take it as it comes... it will never stop because it is now part of me. And that’s ok now, after a year and five month, I welcome that wave, it’s my intimate time with my love. The moment of sadness, gratitude, yearning and reflecting, I show all my love all in a wave of grief...


I can’t believe it’s been a year and half already... everything has been too foggy to sort it all out, but it’s ok, it doesn’t have to be sort it out, I will just take it  one day at a time. Keep on walking and keep on living. This is a very lonely road, I am very tired of being so sad and miserable all the time....


And that one day, it came and hit me like a rock! I can’t love him anymore when all I do is crying and missing him. Who wants to be around such a miserable person? My husband would have hated to see me that miserable under any circumstances. How would I continue to connect with him? When I have became a person who he hates? I  didn’t even like myself anymore... I can’t be forever stuck on that day he left me...


35 years with him seems like a blink of an eye looking back. Life is short, very short, I don’t want to be remembered as a widow who never lived the life after he’s death. If there is a meeting after death, I want to tell him all about the fun thing I did while he was absent. I want to tell him places I went and things I’ve done after he left. I don’t want to face him drenched in sorrow and pain... so, if nothing else, I must keep marching on, whether I like it or not...


its just me rambling...


kiddo
kiddo
Hi Victoria 2014, I am so sorry for your loss! I feel your pain! Your message sounds like me! My husband of 32 years passed away 6 years ago this morning. It has been a sleepless night for me. I have had my ups and down over the past 6 years. I feel the same as you do. I took early retirement a few months ago because I could no longer handle my stressful job. I am a helper but could no longer help others. The therapist I used to see told me I need to find my new normal but how do I do that when I feel so alone. I fill my time with projects and my three grandchildren, two of whom have been born since my husband's passing with another due in a couple of months. He would have loved them dearly! We need to find what will fulfill us and keeps us moving forward! I just simply want to love and be loved again. Please hang in there!! Just me rambling also...
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
It's been 10.5 years for me, and not a day goes by that I don't think of Cliff. There is a permanent Cliff-shaped hole in my life that nothing fills. But it has not stopped me from living my life and having new adventures. I always tell people that if I had given up early on - when the urge to give up was SOOOO strong - that I would have missed so much, and it would have upset Cliff because that would not have honored him and our life together in any way, shape, or form.

Being Cliff's wife was a huge part of me and of my life. But it wasn't the only part, and it's not the only thing that defines who I am and who I was. That part of me and of my life changed when he died. It didn't disappear, but it necessarily had to change, and I had to adapt in the face of that change.

I think it makes it harder for all of us when others don't let us talk about it, don't understand how momentous it is for us to have this major transformation in such an important part of our lives. I think it really hinders us finding ways to adapt - positive and healthy ways at least. Often people don't quite grasp that we didn't lose our life history when our spouses died. I didn't enter the Witness Protection Program, I became a widow. My life history is still my life history even if the person I shared it with for 30 years is no longer here to tell the tale. I'm still here and our stories are my stories.

I think it is a good and positive step that you have reached, that you realize that hanging onto the pain is not the only way to accept and cherish the time you had together. I think that is an important turning point, and I am glad you shared it here.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
Msbklyn
Msbklyn
I'm at 32 months yesterday. I can't believe it's been that long and yet it feels like a long time. I'm starting to feel I'm myself recently and even had a second the other day where I felt like me before he was gone. A brief flash of a feeling of getting back to myself. Your statement that you did not want to Face your husband as a lonely, sad widow struck me. All of your words echo my experience. After being with my husband for 33 years I've struggled to go on without him. And I know he'd be so happy to see me enjoying the things in my life that we can no longer share. He loved me and would not want me to miss living, really living the rest of my life. None of this life we have now is easy but we go on and I'm trying to make it be the best I can. Thanks for your words today. They made me smile ! Marybeth
Rosegold
Rosegold
Thank you, victoria2014 for sharing. It's only been 66 days since my dear husband passed away. We have been together 12 years and only married for 5 years, but my time with him was the best time in my life. I loved being "Mrs" to him. I am honestly inspired with what you wrote about the waves of grief being your intimate time with your love, I would have to look at those waves the same way you do. I also believe that I will carry the sadness for the rest of my life. I pray that God will help me through the rest of my life as I carry the grief. It is difficult and I hope I can continue to do this. I never imagined myself being a widow. I always remember those times when my late husband and I would talk about how we are going to take care and help each other when we grow old... but now it's just going to be me, myself and I. As of now, I just take one day at a time. I always tell myself, "turn on the survival mode" every single day. Take care victoria2014 and I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that you continue to have the strength to carry on. Please continue to share on DS, you have very good support here. And the messages and experiences that you share can be an inspiration to fellow widows, like me.
Kimberlina
Kimberlina
Victoria I am at the same time in this journey as you. I think of my dear husband often thru out the day. We were together 34 years. Looks like our story has many similarities. Jim and I were living in the town both of us grew up in ,waiting for me to retire as to get somewhere a little less expensive and enjoy the rest of or lives together that was our goal. Well just me being here tells the rest of the story. Both of my children live out of the area so loneliness is a major battle. I am having way more days with less tears but they still come. As a matter of fact last night I actually cried myself to sleep. That does not happen much so it kind of surprised me. I too know that Jim would not want me to stay in this stage of grief and would want me to live life, but that to is difficult because I really do not know how to live life without him. He was my best friend and at my age it is hard to make new friends. It has taken a lot of courage but I have decided to have a little get together at my home a little "Wine down Wednesday" I invited a few coworkers and couple of friends. My stomach has been kind of nervous since i actually did the invite. We will see how it turns out. I hope that you get to the stage where you can have great stories to tell your husband when you see him again.
Take care- Kim
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
I am also at the year and a half mark. I am picturing how things may come together soon for me to move - or not. I went to a school awards program at my church last night. I sat with my best friend and her husband, but she had to leave early with no explanation. Once she left, I started feeling like I was transparent, with no one to talk to (this was informal and in the gym). Across from me sat an RN, and we used to be friends with her family; her dad is also an RN, and I had faced off with him in the ER when they first put Dennis on morphine. Now this entire family is cold toward me, so I guess they think I could have saved him. And of course, every word from this nurse's mouth is about her job. I just want to run away and make a fresh start. I don't belong. No one wants to help me do anything; no one wants to talk about him any more; and no one wants me to move on. Well, it's either do or die.
Veronica77
Veronica77
I really liked your last paragraph about remembering everything to be able to tell your husband when you see him again. I am going to try to keep that in mind as I move forward. (((Hugs)))
cupolatte
cupolatte
I can relate to everything that is being said here. I had a terrible dream about three years after Rick died. In it, he told me that I had to let go of him in order to go on. At the time, I didn't want to go on, not without him! He was right though. I couldn't drag him back into my life. He wasn't there. He was in the past. All I could do was cherish the past and go on. Rick has been gone for 28 years this past March. So much has happened without him. He never saw his grandchildren. We didn't grow old together. It took me years to realize that I could live without him. I have so many memories that include him. I have many that don't. It's almost as if I have lived two different lives. Life is sweet now, but in a very different way than it was during our 20 years together. Most of the friends that I have now never knew him. There is a lack of awkwardness in that fact. I am not a third wheel or half of a couple to them. I am just me. It has been long enough that the friends and family that do remember him are free to reminisce with me. Like I said, it took a long time to get to this point, but I want you all to know that it does get better. I agree with Victoria though. I can't wait to see him in eternity and show him all the adventures I had and how I kept living the kind of life that we both loved. Praying for all of you always.