Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I haven't posted in awhile, but felt the need to do so now. Lately, I've had family and friends tell me, "You're doing so well." What I'm wondering is, "well" compared to what. Maybe because I'm not going around crying in public, I'm going to work and trying to function the best I can, I'm doing well. In a couple of months it will be 2 years since my husband passed away. Yes, the horrible raw hurt is gone, but I have a hole in my heart and miss my soulmate every day. Maybe these people wouldn't have the same opinion of how I'm doing if they knew that almost every day, I cry, although for a much shorter time. The ache of having my someone special gone is always there and I'm sure, always will be. I'm trying to move forward and be as happy as I can be, because I know that this is what my departed partner would want. Maybe these people are telling me this to make me feel better. I do know that none of these people making these comments to me are widows and really don't understand. Just had to vent.....
The University of Florida has developed a Misery Index. For some reason they used me as the baseline: Below me and you're insane, you're doing "well" if you're 267 notches above the baseline (me). I understand the index is very accurate.
(Hey she showered and she doesn't look like something the cat dragged in so she must be doing okay. Hey I am glad that she is doing okay because that lets me off the hook from doing something to cheer her up. I'll tell her how good she looks and how proud I am of her and that will make her feel even better than she already does, and it will feel like I actually DID something for her even though I really hope I don't see her any time again soon because it makes me so sad that he died and here she is all alone...... God I hope my husband never dies...it's sad, but every time I see her it worries me that something will happen to my husband).
I think it lets people off the hook from worrying about us and themselves if they can just blindly convince themselves that we are fine. Of course we know that we are not nor will ever be fine...
Sal...you crack me up!! Thank you...I needed that laugh this morning!
hugs...
-Diana
I TRY hard to remember that they really don't have ANYTHING to base 'how we are doing" on, as they have never been where we are. they see us function, and do what we need to do, and think that magically we are "healed' and "voer it", and it helps them to think that. Most times I let them, unless it's a very close friend, and when I do tell them whats REALLY going on, they shy away, because it's too frieghtening to think that one day that may be them.
Another reason DS is a lifeline. We KNOW many of us have had to fake it, and we understand why we do. Little by very little although the missing them never stops, we do inch toward having a life, and seeing that sunshine not only outside, but inside too. Because we figure out that they are alway with us, And when we see that sunshine and FEEL it, they do to right along with us.
Until then, at least we can LOOK like we are ok, and maybe by practice....we will be.
HUGS diane
PS Sal: I THOUGHT I saw your name on the bar for insanity? Nice to know we have someone FAMOUS here!!! ;-) Love ya!
Personally, I haven't stopped bathing, putting on makeup, wearing perfume, eating, sleeping...ever since the day Mike died! And the ranting and raving didn't last long...I had accepted the fact that the cancer was going to take him away long before he died...that was a fact...not one that would change without divine intervention....and God chose to heal him in heaven instead of earth...
So, all in all, yes, I AM doing well....in spite of my heartache, God is good and worthy to be praised. hugs, Jill :)
I so relate to your post, and just do not honestly know what to say back when they say that. I have been saying this " Its been tough, and I am still working on my grief process, and learning where or what I should be or do"
I will relate this recent story of how frustrating some people can be ok to me....
Just a few days ago one neighbor I do not know her well - said YOU look so well, I have not seen you much, what have you been doing?
I was so stunned as shes been always cool towards me before - I just said OH with winter weather I stick close to home - she says well we need to get you out, we will come and get you and take you to WJ lodge for dancing some night.
While I just was stunned and said "No I am not into that scene, she said nonsense we will get you out.
My out of state friend Julie visiting me said " I gave her the shut down shoulder - " BUT I just was not in the mood for her....later I thought I am not into her scene (she is single, has dated many men up here, dances by herself on dance floor at lodge etc...) so I just thought OH GREAT having her hound me. Which is why I think I put on my shut down shoulder.. AM I wrong????