Shortly after I lost my husband my sister came to stay with me for a few days. She decided that we needed to shop, go to lunch, things I did not enjoy but was still in a state of shock, so I went along with it. It was better than being alone. I later found out that she had posted on social media that she was going to be visiting and helping out her recently widowed sister. Of course people responded that she was such a good sister. It made me realize that people who help sometimes expect gratitude and praise rather than understanding what the person they are helping needs. It’s not easy to understand what someone needs when you have not experienced what they are going through. I never asked for help because that is just who I am. And very few people offered. It’s sad how self involved we all are. And yet it’s difficult to know how and when to offer help. Try to forgive her difficult personality now. She’s in pain and going through the hardest thing we will ever face. When we have our spouse we don’t need help, it’s right there. Then we are left alone and no one is there and we have to rely on others or do without. And if your spouse doesn’t get it right, you can explain that to them. Not so easy when it’s someone else. Sometimes you just need to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I understand that we all want appreciation but that should not be our motivation. I’d just let it go and give her a hug.

I agree with Msbklyn. I'd just let it go and give her a hug.

Best of the day to you, Bobby.

None of my family lived nearby.

Here's how a friend handled her friend's loss.

She said, "I'm coming over the first and third Monday evenings of the month. We will do whatever you want, box up your husband's things, help you with housework, go out to dinner. Whatever you want" Her friend had health issues that meant things like getting down on hands and knees to scrub hairspray off the floor was truly and issue.

A handyman friend of my husband's came by every Saturday for several weeks and helped fix things around the house.

With the proliferation of meal plans that come pre-measured with instructions, that might be something to do, prepare a meal together.. Our local grocery store has a bi-monthly magazine that features "dinner from the fast lane." Twelve ingredients, and directions for three meals.. Directions from the first meal include leftovers to prep for another one.

I've been a widow for over 3 years now. I would say that the greatest help came from my friends and family who just sat in my pain with me. Let me cry when I needed, vent when I needed, encouraged me to go for a walk with them, talk about my husband, share memories. Really and truly, the greatest gift was hearing how others remembered my husband. Those memories keep him alive, and I welcome them at all times.

Ask yourself if she was a needy, angry and ungrateful person prior to losing her loved one. If so, then this is who she is and it doesn’t matter how kind and caring you are. If she wasn’t like this, then you will have to be patient and hang in there until she gets better. Having to deal with death is the worst worst thing in the world and it takes time to come to terms with it. I still ask myself why death is so difficult when it is truly part of living. It’s a path we all have to take sooner or later. I can tell you that my mother is an exception to the rule. She embraced the death of my father like a champion. She is happy to be alone, happy she no longer has to pretend to care about him or take care of him. She is 80 years old and has always been a very needy woman. My father did everything for her and now she depends on her children to help her. Even though she can be very stubborn she finally appreciates the help she gets. It took a while, but she got there. She needed a wake up call to see how much my dad did for her because she surely never appreciated him and was always angry over something he did or didn’t do. Life.. Death... it’s all what me make of it. Good luck with your family member. Maybe try talking with her to see what’s going on. There’s always a reason why people say or do certain things.

I should clarify this and things are going better. I do think family members need to be understanding and patient which can hard. Men in particular like to solve problems rather than simply listen and comfort- easier said then done. Suggestions,

1. If you're a family member, this can be a difficult time. Try to comfort. Everyone is a mixed bag but look to the positives in their life.

2. Do try to split responsibilities as much as possible, and don't hesitate to call out family members who live a distance away to help.

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Grief isn't something that can be "fixed" as I guess you are finding out. Be patient. Losing your spouse/partner is the emotional equivalent of breaking all your bones in one go. It's going to take time. Is it your Mom going through this? Maybe suggest she join here or join a grief group - hospices usually run them locally or her church may run one. Some are meeting on Zoom because of Covid, but being able to express it with others in the same situation can really help.

It's good you are trying to help, but also recognize you cannot fully understand the pain she is in. That's not your fault or anything, it is simply the reality of one of the worst loss experiences - you have to go through it to genuinely get it. And you cannot speed up her healing process for her, you can help her, but it's not something within your power to fix.

Love and Hugs,
Martha