Welcome Smith :) I know you from the HR board. Hopefully you'll get the answer you're seeking!

Hi Smith,

I don't think it is less of a commitment. there is a huge difference, I feel, between one relationship ending and moving on to a new one, and having your spouse die.

If the spouse was still alive you wouldn't be together ,and i don't say that to mean it's just a fact. Your wife wasn't single when you met her by choice. she was widowed.

Its a beautiful thing that the heart can hold so much love. I have no doubt that your wife loves you with her whole heart, but her love for her late spouse isn't gone. it doesn't die with the spouse.

it sounds like you may have insecurity issues that you may need to explore, in my humble opinion.

in marriages without either party being widowed, you sometimes see a mother put her children's needs a head of her spouse from time to time and vice versa for the husbands.

loving one doesn't lessen the love for others. it's just different.

I'm no expert, and it's just my opinion as a widower. my wife just passed four months ago. I can't even imagine ever being with another soul, but if it were to happen in the future, it would never lessen the love and emotional bond I have with my wife.

it just is what it is, and the heart has no limit when it comes to love~

triple hugs and i hope this helps somehow~

Could it be that not only does primary love not end with death, but that it transcends or even envelopes all future love.

If I remarry, maybe I should find someone who is divorced. That way I wouldn't have to deal with certain issues again. Just sayin'.......

I probably need to qualify myself. There are reasons I can't talk about which influence my way of thinking. Some are things that go way back to his other life before I was in the picture. You have to just weigh things out and make sure everything is upfront.

I might add that once we got together, our focus was on each other. I cannot say that he married me for love; it may have been out of need. There is a difference. I want to believe that with time he fell in love with me. You can love someone, and still not be "in" love.

The main thing I would expect from a future mate would be to be cherished, and I haven't met a man yet who knows what that means.

Smith, I am a widow married to a widower. We both know our late spouses are no threat to our new marriage. We also know our late spouses are part of OUR HISTORY, what made us who we are, just like my late parents were. Your wife became a widow, she didn't enter the Witness Protection Program, she's not supposed to have to forget her entire past.

When you lose a spouse, especially if there are children, you also become the keeper of their legacy. Your wife remembering and posting something about it is her way of preserving her late husband's legacy, and also releasing the inevitable pain that arises on special days and anniversaries.

I love both my husbands deeply. That's a difficult concept for anyone who hasn't been bereaved to even begin to grasp, so I am not surprised you are having trouble with this. I also recognize, and wish that you did, too, what a gigantic step it was for her to marry you after experiencing the agony of loss. What a huge move it is to open one's heart all over again not just to love but also the very real potential of experiencing the hell of loss a second time. She must be incredibly in love with you to take such a chance.

I would encourage you to discuss your feelings about this with her. It is normal to feel jealous in the situation, to worry that you are competing with a ghost. I worried, too. Needlessly, and you are worrying needlessly, too.

I hope you work this out together.

Hugs,
Martha

I was married 38 years with 4 children when Tim died. I met Bill 13 months later. A year after that we married. I post songs on Facebook periodically related to my missing Tim, and I always post on the anniversary of his death. Bill does not even care or notice. We'll be married 8 years next May. It's no disrespect to Bill at all. I love him mightily and he knows it. It's just remembrance of someone much loved, that died

I think that cliffskat hit the nail on the head. No one can erase or forget their history, but again, I would be lying if I said I did not feel jealous of his late wife at times. She had him close to 38 years; I had him not quite 6. They say the first 5 years of a marriage are the hardest. Put cancer in the mix, and that definitely becomes factual.

I always thought that the mate who was with you for the most years had dibs, but that may not always hold true. I definitely would not enter into another marriage lightly.

Yes, widows do outnumber widowers. There is no easy answer; it may just be a risk we have to take - or stay widowed and lonely. On the up side, by now most of us know what we are looking for. Then again, you don't really know someone till you are married to them.

It's a catch-22. I just don't know that I personally could handle being married to a widower, no matter how nice or handsome he might be, if he was constantly talking about or thinking about his late wife. I would feel like a cheap substitute. A replacement; yet she would still be there in spirit. He might even slip and call me by her name.

Thank you to everyone that has commented on this. You have given me lots to think about. I am doing my best but there are things I don't think I will ever understand or think are ok. If you lose someone, grieve as long as you need to...but the moment you exchange vows with someone, its all about the two of you...not the three of you. No, you don't have to forget your past, but that's where it should remain...in the past. Take as long as you need before remarrying. I promise you that your new spouse is as deserving of your love as your previous one. Don't move forward if you aren't willing to make that spouse feel like they are the most important person to ever walk the Earth.

I am sorry you are so overwhelmed with jealousy. I would urge you to think seriously about counseling. You're running the risk of ruining your marriage with the attitude you have. You can't dwell in the past, but you shouldn't have to deny it either. I think perhaps you have some unresolved issues from your divorce that may be coloring your thinking in this. I hope you get some professional help to work things out with your wife. If my husband had your attitude, I'd leave him. Nuff said.

True love is never bounded by a contract. She is contractually married to you and she loves you, but she had more time with her decreased husband and loves him as well.

Everyone has a past - you just have to make allowances even if that's not how you see it.

Do I hear war drums? I can "feel" people on this thread getting angry. Everyone has a right to his own opinion. Can we not agree to disagree?

We can't agree to disagree if he's rightfully wrong.

déjà vu?

New spouse deserves same treatment as previous spouse. I'm shocked that this is controversial.

Your wife did not have a breakup or divorce, her husband that she loved was ripped away from her. She loves you in a different way than she loved her first husband. Her first husband will always be a part of her. ((Hugs))

There's an old adage that we take on the personalities of all those we are intimate with. For instance, I found myself suddenly with a sense of humor that I didn't have before. My LH had a very warped sense of humor (hopefully mine is not warped). From the husband who divorced me, I inherited a bit of his temper, which I had to work on. This is not meant to be a separate topic, but perhaps could be useful in trying to figure all this out. To take it a step further, we actually do start looking like the person we are married to after a period of time.