Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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Quality of Life

Truhal
Truhal
My husband had a brain aneurysm. I spent 3 years in nursing school so I had a clear idea of what to expect. He could come back with a different personality. He could end up blind, unable to walk, unable to remember that he loved me. He could end up violent where he used to be gentil. He could end up hating himself and the life he had ahead of him. All these things flew through my mind at the time of his illness. I remembered a conversation we had years before this happened. He made it clear to me that he would never want to live with traumatic injuries. We'd both seen someone with a traumatic brain injury. This man had gone from vice-president, to a man with the mentality of a 7 year old child. So we both agreed that we would rather make that transition and go home to God.

My husband remained in a coma for two weeks before finally crossing into God's arms. I felt great sadness and happiness that he'd made that journey in the way I knew he would have wanted. I hope for the same myself. But now, I'm left with the what-ifs. What if he'd made it, came back a different man?

I know there's no answer, but lately I find myself thinking about it.
pathoflife
pathoflife
Oh, Tru, those 'what-ifs' overwhelm us at times, don't they? I, too, have had my share of them as with most of us on DS: what symptoms did I miss, did he shout for my help and I didn't hear him, did he suffer, and so on. There are no answers to the hypothetical questions, but we seem destined to ask them anyhow. Who of us could have known the hour and the day? It is my belief that it was always out of our hands. Blessings to you. TJ
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
Life cannot be based on what if's and should have's...I wish..so many things would be different...but we deal with the reality of it all even though our mind wonders. What if I would have gone in a half an hour sooner to wake him up, would he still be alive today or would I have been a witness to his passing. It is as God wanted it.
Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user
Jerry was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 61, which was a shock. Thinking that we had a long road ahead, we planned out our funerals, decided that we didn't want life support, and went through every last detail with our last wishes. Ironically, he died a year later from a massive stroke - he was going to work, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and was ready to get into his car. He was in a coma for four days in Hospice. I knew what he wanted me to do, but I had to give the hospital permission. At the time, I knew that it was the right thing from what we discussed, and if he lived he would have been a vegetable - even the Dr. in his unemotional manner whispered that it was the right thing. But now I hear stories about how people awake from a coma after a long time, and I have some doubts. Shortly after he died, I felt a ''presence'' - no face, but sort of a ''wind energy'', and in a voice that wasn't his, real fast it said - ''don't worry, G-d has a plan for all of us'' - it woke me from a sound sleep. I want to believe that, and it brought me peace. I usually don't believe in those ''things'', but this was very very real and was reassuring. I hope you find peace too.
Wmsbaby
Wmsbaby
My husband died at home with me asleep by him. I often think about did he callout to me and I didn't hear him. The what ifs is what keeps me up at night and is sucking the life from me. I knew he was very ill but I wonder each day what more could I have done. did I make him comfortable enough, did he want or need something that he couldn't tell me and I should have just "known". the only peace I have is that a couple of weeks before he left me he started telling me he wanted to "go home" How do you respond to that? Anyway the morning of the funeral I was wandering around the house aimlessly as I do now and the tv that I did't hear before clearly said in a man's voice (although not his) "I'm home." I took this as a sign that he was telling me he was ok now. That helps me to get by on days when I'd like to die myself just so I can be by his side one more time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The what-ifs that plague me are much the same as all of yours.
WMSBABY, you reminded me to look for signs that he is at peace. Here are a few: a mountain bluebird, a stuffed valentine heart that says "I'M YOURS" which appeared randomly next to his decoys, a bi-winged blue/gray spotted dragon fly (he was a jet-pilot, the wind blowing through the trees at his memorial--the day had been totally still until that moment when I had been talking to the gathering about his life, the changing leaves this year are brilliant, the thunderstorm followed by a rainbow at my son's wedding a few weeks ago AND our grandson asking for Papa???
deleted_user
deleted_user
I went through the what if's and should haves in the earlier stages. I felt like I should have been able to fix things. He had stage 4 lung and bone cancer when diagnosed and took as much treatment as his body could stand to extend his life a few months. He was so brave, never complaining. I finally came to the conclusion that when it's your time, nothing can change that. It's God's plan even though we don't understand it. We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. That's all we can expect of ourselves. What counts is that we both did the best we could and loved each other. I take comfort in knowing I will be with him again one day. Take care, Sandra
Daninmn
Daninmn
The "what-ifs" are terrible.
My wife went to to our 2nd home on Memorial weekend with my son and grandson(they returned home) and she stayed to do some spring cleaning before I was to bring the grandkids up next weekend. She died of a massive heart attack the following Wednesday evening.
I talked to her several times during the day and she called me again at 9:30PM which was late for her and mentioned that both her arms hurt and thought it was from washing windows. I SHOULD HAVE IT AS A SIGN OF A HEART ATTACK, BUT DIDN'T.
She called me again at 10:30PM, but I was asleep and missed the call. It hurts to think I may have been able to call 911 for her or done something even though she was over 300 miles away.
I MISS HER SO MUCH.
Truhal
Truhal
I saved my mom from three heart attacks. God still called her home a few years later. Mom and I had more time together, but the heart attack damaged an already damaged heart, so her last years were horrible. I guess what I'm saying is that we did get extra years, but they were not good ones. Often she called out to God to take her home. She was ready. Now, eleven years later, we have all eternity to look forward too.

I guess everyone goes through this at some times in their lives. But it is so hard. I'm constantly walking down the road I didn't travel, wondering at how our lives would be. I do know that I wanted his gradkids to know the kind-hearted man I knew. The man who would have survived may have been entirely different. I read so many stories about survivors and how they changed. I know my husband wouldn't have wanted that life no matter how much I wanted him to survive.

I read a story about a traumatic brain injured solder. He and his wife ended up divorced. He'd changed so much. A different man.
I guess I can thank God my husband is at home and didn't suffer through that. It'll be up to me and his daughter to tell our grandkids about the man he was.