Im so sorry that happened to you. I had a similar situation happen to me. I have a friend who I've know for over 30 yrs who was also my husbands best friend. He told me that I should get off my soap box because I'm not the only one who has lost someone. That hurt so much considering how close we all were.
People just don't get it. I don't wish this pain on my worst enemy but sometimes I wish I could push a little in the direction of the people who say stuff like that. Sounds to me you do great. I don't go out much and I don't have grandkids yet so you are doing much better than me as far as staying active. What most don't understand is that we are masters at hiding our feelings and our pain runs the core of our being. Don't doubt yourself. Grief is a very rough and changing road. You could not nor should you ever forget about the life you had with your husband and if that makes someone uncomfortable or upset that's too bad. In my experience there are many who ask how I'm doing out of obligation but really don't want the answer. I have become very distant in some senses. I keep my feelings in more now because I find that if spoken out loud they are misconstrued as me trying to gain sympathy.

Hugs
Lisa

I think this is a pretty mean thing to say to a widow or a widower. I'm sure that many of us went through the circle of life at some point in our lives, be it parents, grandparents, friends, relatives, or even a lost child. There is no rule book on how long should one "hold on" to their grief - if there is one, go ahead - grab it and burn it. Statement like these is not helpful to anybody. I'm sure you know that already.

The question is why your confidence is wavered by such comment. It is something that you have to investigate and resolve yourself. People cannot make you feel, they can only bring out feelings that you already have. I encourage you to explore it further.

Here is an article for your reference.
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/tips-to-help-widows-be-more-confident

Sending you virtual hugs. A death of a spouse is a trauma. We don't fully recover from it as if it never happened. A healed wound, if it heals, forms a scar. And the scar is a reminder of the trauma and it does hurt from time to time. But it is also a testament of how far we have come.

They expect us to quit grieving, but at the same time they want us to stay in a little cubicle, if that makes sense. I think that is why some of the widows I know are still where they were 10, 20 years ago. Of course they have family here, and I don't, to speak of. One son who doesn't help; he tends to be problematic. I may be gone a month in July and part of August, just exploring possibilities. I have pretty much distanced myself from many people, and hire strangers to help me do things I can't. Now I understand why my LH was such a sought after handyman. Plus he had the looks and personality.

I am sorry some one made you question yourself. Grief is difficult. Until some one has had this happen to them they really have no idea what the process is. When I first became a widow I thought I am a strong person and I should be over or wanted to not feel the pain anymore after a month. I now know that it will never really be over. I loved my husband and best friend with my whole heart and half of my heart is missing. How can you stop talking about the person you spent your life with. I am reminded of memories daily. My friends still talk about their spouses and it brings to mind good, bad and fun memories. So honey keep talking about your husband, no one should take that away from you!!!!! Take Care

I asked this person why she said that to me and her reply was she read it in Joel Osteen's book, that people who grieve more than a couple months do it for pity. WOW, knock me over with a feather. No one is to judge the time of grief for one person. We don't need to be labeled, gee we just go day to day holding ourselves together and then to be criticized! No wonder sometimes I just keep to myself. Thank you for all the kind words and I value everyone's viewpoint, really helps to go through the maze of grief. Thank you.

Your post reminds me of this poem.
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/kindness-2

I think that was a terrible thing to say to you! Please forget it and feel sorry for the person that said it. she is sending a message loud and clear that she is not
getting enough attention and does want you to get any either. she is a small person, SO FEEL SORRY FOR HER AND FORGET IT!

Don't go there! You are fine. You are allowed to speak of your husband whenever you wish. People talk about their lives and he was the biggest part of yours. The voice that you need to listen to is the voice of encouragement, hope, and comfort. That other voice: judgment, discouragement, anger, and hurt is designed to keep you down. It is like darts that puncture the tender healing wounds. I think that some people are a little afraid of us. We remind them that they could be in our shoes so they would prefer not to see or hear our grief. The truth is, someday they probably will have to face it. And guess what? We will have lived through it and can help them!

Sorry lovesloons, my own sister told me to get up and over it and later to put on my big girl panties. I was fuming. I wanted to lay into her, but instead I kept texting her about how painful it is. I dont even bother with her much since then, own family!! They can't know this excruciating pain till they go it!! I hate to be one to wish a little taste of it on them, but is only natural I think. And that Joel (religious) guy, if he did say that, that is horrible, obviously he never went through a painful death!! I'm like a poor cornered animal now, I will strike back if necessary and my boyfriend not here to defend and protect me now. Don't let these ignorant people get to you, but it is easier said than done. Sorry you had to go through that, blessings to you and all!!

You became a widow; you did not enter the Witness Protection Program. Your history is still your history, and no one has the right to tell you you can't talk about YOUR life. When a life is shared for decades, any discussion will include a mention of the person who shared it. Your hsuband dying doesn't suddenly mean your past history disappeared. That lady has more issues than Vogue, in my humble opinion.

I have had a whole heap of nasty stuff said to me. Like you, I had to carry on living and make a life not just for me but for my two autistic sons as well. I held onto a high stress job, paid all my bills on time, hung onto the house and took care of it, and basically did the "normal" stuff usually done by two people. That wasn't enough for some people.

I found that regardless of how well or not I was doing that there was always someone there to try to knock me. Some people are just plain mean, and it's usually envy - envious because they have never known the kind of love we have known.

There is an old saying that 'grief rewrites your address book.' It rewrote mine. My advice is delete that lady from your address book. You don't need that kind of heartless abuse in your life, and it is abuse. Some people are toxic.

I will have to find the Mourner's Bill of Rights post for you. I think it would help.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Loss of a loved one is something you get through, you don't get over it. How fast or slow we adapt to our new normal and how we appear to the outside world is unique for all of us. Dealing with loss is part of being human, that's why we are not special, but we are different, especially from someone who has not walked in our shoes. Some ignorant people think they have our best interests at heart, and for the most part I don't have any Ill will toward them. Most mean well and actually I credit Pats death with opening my eyes to the fact that I should be a lot more patient with people, like she always wanted me to be, even with those who think I should completely be over it after 5 years. Wishing you peace, Martin

I think for a person to say something like that means they have never experienced the loss of someone they love.
We once talked here about the stupid things that people say. The list was long. The best thing to do is distance yourself from these people because they will say something else. We care how you feel Love and Hugs, Dolores

Want to thank everybody for the much needed viewpoints and share thoughts on my post. I was thinking how far I've come in my grief and then to have someone say, well you're not, did kind of throw me, but have to realize maybe there are some people who feed off my grief, makes them feel better, I don't know, and THEY are more stuck than ME. So glad I found this site with people who understand, have empathy and don't judge anyone. Love for everybody on this site, thanks for taking your time to post, really helped me.

I googled that Joel Osteen and he did indeed write in his book something about 3 months being enough time for a couple who had lost their child to grieve and after that they are looking for pity and are attention seeking. WOW! Well, this happened in 2015 but the grief/religious community certainly called him out and told of the damage he could be doing to already suffering people and, yet, to my knowledge, he never apologized or retracted his words. Fascinating what you miss when grief isn't anywhere on your radar. I wonder how many others, like lovesloons, has been hurt (indirectly) by this man? So shocking.

3 months?!?! Jeez! No way! I used to have some respect for Osteen, I think I just lost what was left of it.... Maybe he just couldn't handle looking after the widows and orphans' like the Bible says he is supposed to. 3 months - that is just stunning, really. And to say that about someone who lost a child - I am shocked! It strikes me as heartless.