Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've just joined this group and site last week but have been preparing for this for months via therapy so bare with me on my post. Yesterday I buried my wife after a 22 month bout with breast cancer. Honestly, I really don't know how to feel right now. I planned her funeral all week last week so I stayed relatively busy with things. Also, I touched base with our insurance, the county clerk for her death certificate, and tied up some of the other loose ends that I have to tend. I've told myself from the beginning that I would make some type of plan of action to pick up the pieces of my life after the funeral; and I made a check list of things to do this past week for a type of foundation to start from after things were settled, so I began to work on my things the minute I got home with my kids from the funeral. I guess I was wrong to think in such a way because it's blowing up in my face right now. I came home with my kids yesterday and ordered a pizza for us and began to work on my list, the first thing to do was to pay it forward to a local charity in our area that helped my family out during my wife's treatment. During my wife's wake many people gave us checks and cash and I tallied it up and pledged all the money to a friend of my wife's that is part of that charity. I did this within two hours after coming home from the cemetery and I guess it was a bad idea because my mind to me is set on honoring my wife's wishes and helping his particular charity; which is not the same sentiment that some in my wife's family feel.
Not too long ago my wife's brother had raised some money for us via an Internet fund-raising site. The money was intended to help us with medical expenses and other critical things that we needed due to our financial struggle during the duration of my wife's illness. My brother-in-law decided to hold the money and use it for things that he and my in laws felt that my wife needed for her care instead of giving it all to us. To make a long story short, there's money left over and my desire is to have the rest of that money go to charity; since she is gone now and because my wife specifically told me to help that local charity that helped us. As a result, my family is upset about everything and I notified others in my wife's family of my own family's intent to notify the Internet fund-raising site of possible fraud in the pretenses in which the money was raised and now things are going sour the day after my wife's funeral. My intention to follow through with my list and honor my wife's wishes is already blowing up in my face. Granted, my timing is bad with following through with my to-do-list, however, I'm a strict utilitarian and I know that my wife gave me specific wishes that she wanted me to follow through with things while she was alive and that's what I'm going to do. What should I do now that things are getting sour with my wife's family? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
Not too long ago my wife's brother had raised some money for us via an Internet fund-raising site. The money was intended to help us with medical expenses and other critical things that we needed due to our financial struggle during the duration of my wife's illness. My brother-in-law decided to hold the money and use it for things that he and my in laws felt that my wife needed for her care instead of giving it all to us. To make a long story short, there's money left over and my desire is to have the rest of that money go to charity; since she is gone now and because my wife specifically told me to help that local charity that helped us. As a result, my family is upset about everything and I notified others in my wife's family of my own family's intent to notify the Internet fund-raising site of possible fraud in the pretenses in which the money was raised and now things are going sour the day after my wife's funeral. My intention to follow through with my list and honor my wife's wishes is already blowing up in my face. Granted, my timing is bad with following through with my to-do-list, however, I'm a strict utilitarian and I know that my wife gave me specific wishes that she wanted me to follow through with things while she was alive and that's what I'm going to do. What should I do now that things are getting sour with my wife's family? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
Thank you for the advice. I know I jumped the gun with doing what I did but everyone is expecting me to fall apart and I want them to see that I will do my best to manage. Furthermore, I keep telling people that honoring my wife's wishes is tool for me to keep on keeping on. They can never understand unless they go through it. I'm glad there's someone else that can relate to me here. I'll keep posting
So sorry for the loss of your wife. I'm glad that you found this site for support. It sounds like you are doing your best to honor your wife's wishes. It is probably just hard for her family to see things happening so fast. I remember the first few weeks being a whirlwind and I was in a fog. I made a list of details to handle as well. I was surrounded with people. Only weeks later when the crowds dwindled and the list was complete, did I have time to really start grieving and reality set in.
You will grieve in your own way. There is no right or wrong way. And you are correct, only others who walk in our shoes truly "get it".
I hope your in-laws will calm down and do the right thing. Sending prayers and hugs for you and your family.
This isn't a futile activity. You thinking process is altered with grief. You and your children need time to talk about mom. Time to cry so they know that you will get through this together. As Gerald said grief is not able to control for you or most importantly for your children and to me they would be the first priority. Let the in laws go for now. They are grieving too.
I am sorry for your loss and hope that you find support and understanding here with others who have been living with their loss. Sharon
"What should I do now that things are getting sour with my wife's family?"
You should apologize for your actions and threatening them while they are grieving for their sister, daughter, etc. You have mishandled the situation, but if you apologize now, you may be able to save the relationships with your wife's family, which I would urge you to do for all of your sakes.
You are not thinking straight. It is hard to think straight in the early weeks and months of loss. I think they will forgive you if you do it quickly.
The money your brother-in-law raised he may wish to return to the people that donated it. That would be reasonable. Or he may believe that his sister would have preferred it to go elsewhere - another charity for example. For you to immediately accuse him of fraud is out of line. You should be grieving together and then working together to sort this out.
What I am reading from your post is that you are trying to exert as much control over your situation as possible. We do that because the loss makes us feel out of control and that is frightening. We also do those kinds of things to stay busy and avoid the pain of grieving. The fact you went to do it as soon as you got back from the funeral, instead of spending the time with your kids, seems to point up how seriously you are trying to control and simultaneously avoid what is happening. These are not uncommon reactions to this kind of loss, and I would hope that your therapist would help you work through this.
The other thing you need to be aware of is that not everything that our late spouses wanted will come to pass. Yes, we try to do our best to come as close as possible to what they wanted or we think they wanted, but sometimes it is not possible. Sometimes you have to compromise, sometimes you have to give way to honor someone else's grief, sometimes you have to do what is right for your kids instead of someone else because they are who is left behind and they are now the real priority, and sometimes it will take longer to do what they wanted than they could have understood before they passed.
It is true that we all grieve differently. I can understand being a strict utilitarian, too, but there are extraordinary circumstances in life where things you would not normally put on your to-do list need to be on that list - including waiting, grieving, comforting your children, talking about your shared loss with extended family, etc. Those are tasks which are validly necessary to be included on your to-do list.
I am sorry for your loss and for the distress your whole family is in right now. I hope you can find your way through it in a constructive and loving way. And I hope these comments are helpful - they are meant to be.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I know that you feel that you want to be ok, and while you feel that the most important thing is to honor your wife, just consider this -
"you may not realize that you are not thinking as clearly as you think you are"
My perspective is that your relationships with people are the most important things in life - your spouse, your kids ( grandkids ), family, friends - they are the most important part of your life. If the money gets donated or not is , IMO, meaningless compared to stressing your extended family. You are all in a lot of stress and you could really cause some damage to everyone's relationships by comcentrating on mere money when you have all lost a loved one.
I would suggest that you forget about the money for now, and talk to a therapist and work through whatever issues you have to get back to "normal". There is no simple processing a list that is going to let you get through this grief process. Nit takes a lot of time and work - work you are probably not even aware of yet.
So, in short my advice is to chill about the money, find a therapist, and try to be as normal for your kids as possible. There is tons of hurt all over the place.
Wishing you peace,
Bob
Keep posting we are here.
My sympathies to add to the others, but here is a good place to be.
Jewell
Just remember your wife loved you, still loves you and she will be ok with whatever you do.
Blessings to you and your children...