Funeral videos are a new one on me but whatever you have to do, look at videos, photos, listen to music. Whatever you need to get by. The booze might not be a good idea so watch that. I do the same thing, drink a little too much lately but I know that isn't smart so I am doing that less and less now. I'm too old for that crap.

I did not have a video but after my husband committed suicide I drank too much, I listened to the only voicemail I had over and over to hear his voice, I reread emails a million (maybe exagerating) times, put together a photo album of pictures of him. The drinking brought me comfort at the time and I knew I wouldn't stay there. I moved through that period of grief and you will too. It is early in your grieving. Having God close to me and a counselor helped tremendously.

There are photo's I rarely look at that were taken during my wife's battle with cancer, and there is a video we made that I have watched since my wife passed, again, during her battle with cancer. I think I look at these, because none of this seems real, so looking at them, as painful as it it to do so brings me to some realization that I need at that time, not sure why, perhaps because it is during the last couple of months we had together.. I have not looked at the photo's for a few months now, haven't watched the video in the same amount of time. A relative also gave me a video, it was part of the funeral service, I have not been able to watch that at all, not sure if I can do that, not for some time. I try the best to remember the good times, but there are many memories that are painful that seem to want to surface before the good memories shine.

You may have heard the expression about a fog we are in after losing our partner? That fog, I am still in, lifted a little after a couple of months. Before then I was somehow getting through each day, trying to do the best that I could. Doing this all by myself. Family did keep in touch, phone calls mostly. But alone, doing everything I could to keep going. Eventually I was able to write down a routine that I needed to achieve each day, which I still follow. It has helped me keep focused to some degree. Some days at the start I was not able to keep those goals, simple goals to many people, but difficult to achieve for me. I still have those days, and it is almost ten months since my wife passed.

The best advice I was given was by a family member. He told me baby steps. That is exactly what I did - most of the time. Anything more than that it threw me off. I have now got past the baby steps, managing to walk, but I have to take a rest every so often, and sometimes sit down and rest for longer periods of time. And when it feels overwhelming again I go back to those baby steps. I could walk a thousand miles but walk hundreds of those with baby steps each day.

Any self destructive behavior is bad.

Life is hard at times, and we have to "Man Up" ( got that quote from Mel ) and face it. Hiding behind alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or ( insert your favorite vice here ) is not the way to deal with adversity. Lol, if I were there with you, I'd give you a hug, because I know its tough.

When our daughter died 17 years ago in an auto accident I received a "welcome" newsletter from a national group ( they are now called Compassionate Friends ). It's a support group for families that have lost children. It was actually one of the better things that a friend of mine did for us ( enrolled us in the newsletter ). In the newsletter it had articles from parents on what to expect about how things would change, and how they navigated their grief. It also had suggestions from grief counsellors, etc.

One thing they cautioned about was alcohol and drug use to escape. It might help with the initial phase, but studies show it lengthened the recovery process.

So it's kind of strange, as we do not consume alcohol as a religious observance, but I would have been willing to try it in order to escape for just a little bit.

There are a lot of ways to lose yourself in this world. I remember quite clearly that one of our sons, who had a habit of being lazy with his schoolwork, tried to use our daughters death as a reason why he was not doing his schoolwork ( he was in high school at the time ). My wife told him, "don't you dare use her as an excuse to be lazy. You don't have the right to use her like that!"

I can hear by your post. You feel a little responsible for her death. Don't.....so, don't destroy yourself, there was nothing you could have done about it. You have the right to lead your life quilt free. You won't change things by harming yourself. Find a good corner in our heart, and tuck her in, and let her live through you. My deepest sorrows to you. I am at 11 months. It does get easier.

Sandee

Be kind to yourself. this is still so so early for you. I know it hurts so bad. just focus on you and getting through each day.

It is very early. Be kind to yourself. We all grieve differently. We all find ways to cope. When you are ready, you will change it. I t really is early.

My consuming thought reading your post is understanding your pain. Wanting to avoid the feelings and at the same time needing to feel them. Trying to realize what happened and still noy wanting to accept
it. This is normal grief, you ard grieving like the rest of us.

It's how we react to these emotions is where we need guidelines and guidance. I suggest you find someone to talk to, preferably someone trained in grief counseling. I used to have a glass of Baileys midafternoon to relax and reflect on my feelings or to read a book to alter my sorrow. It was one glass. I used my therapist to work through the emotions, not the Bailey's to hide them. There is where the difference begins. Sharon

i'm overwhelmed by all the wise words, it really has had an impact. Thankyou

Suicide is one of the most difficult to get through. Know that your loved one has been received without judgement but with unconditional love. You are in no way to blame for her choice, but you do have to account for your own. Alcohol does not help at all. If anything you feel worse. Grief is a process, work through it, you cannot go around it. Do not make any demands on yourself right now. Be kind to yourself and take baby steps it is very hard, but you do get to a place where you cope better

I am so sorry for your loss Squeege. I pray that you are able to process what has happened and continue to be blessed. No matter how our loved one left us, the fact remains, that they're not here with us. My husband passed away 5 months ago, and it still doesn't seem real.

I hope you're able to move through your feelings, because even if you numb yourself for a while, the pain is still there waiting to return. Take 1 day at a time.

Geminii74 (Khanya)

please be kind to yourself. losing our spouse is so life altering and with so many questions in your mind i am sure you are so confused and dazed and in so much pain. If we all look back i bet we all did some pretty rough things. I think i learned my lesson on the drinking too much the one time i woke up to see a bunch of text messages i had sent and that i had no idea what they said. I then started to try to journal a lot more. For you, we all do this thing differently. Bless you on your journey

Jim Croce... Photographs and Memories
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=48o5rCFFxh8

Jim Croce... Time in a Bottle...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=mhL36vP_lv4