Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

1 Online

pathoflife 03/03/2011

One issue that some DSers have occasionally mentioned is the absence of phone calls. At first, it rings off the hook with friends offering well wishes, food, and help with house-related responsibilities. Then it happensthe phone stops ringing.

For reasons unknown to me, the minute I walk from the garage into the house my eyes are drawn to that little light on the answering machine. Maybe by some chance it will be blinking, but, alas, it remains as silent as the rest of the house. Tonight while watching TV the phone rang and actually startled me. I looked at it with nervous anticipationsomeone actually was calling me on our land line. I reached nervously to answer my unknown caller: my hand shook and sweat beads began to form on my brow. When the receiver reached my ear, a very sweet voice echoed, 'I'm calling for our veterans and wondered if you might have clothing or furniture you would like to donate.'

OK, maybe my scenario is a little tongue in cheek (although the call actually took place), but it was shared to let others know that when those calls from friends who have slipped from our new existence nearly come to a standstill, it seems to be the norm for the surviving spouse. I've become accustomed to my cell phone ringing with daughters who are checking on me or special friends with whom I've shared my number, but I must admit that I miss that little light blinking on my answering machine letting me know that I missed a call. Silly as it sounds, it's comforting to hear someone's voice saying that they're sorry they missed me and will try later. I guess it's kind of like my GPS when I'm traveling. In a peculiar way, it's comforting to hear her (GPS named Jill) voice say 'Recalculating.'

Just some random, light-hearted thoughts. Are there others who miss their light blinking? Blessing to all. TJ

deleted_user 03/03/2011

I gave up my house phone, no one bothered calling that number anyway, except credit collectors. My daughter calls, usually I'll get a few calls a week from current friends and family. I can't tell you, but I am sure you know, how much I miss those several check up on my phone calls from Rob. It is another one of those hard things to live without. Ugh, oh how I miss him. Hug, Donna

deleted_user 03/03/2011

I agree with bot h of you. It amazes me how some people told me that they would be there for me, but never called. I changed the sim card in my cellphone after Lee passed and accidently erased all my saved voicemails, at least I still have his texts

Nicker07 03/03/2011

How true and how sad. The only calls I get are from solicitors the ones that get around DO NOT CALL List.
Again the ones that were closest to Roger never hear a word from, they are the big church goers thats what blows my mind!!!

angelspeak 03/04/2011

The only reason I keep my land line is for my internet. We are in a rural area and we have to have a landline. My ex husband, my boy's dad, calls them on the landline. And my dad who lives in NC, calls on it. The school leaves messages if they need something or schedule changes. Other than that......nope. Nobody calls.
My Mom, Step Dad, Sisters and a few close friends call my cell. I have Face Book friends who check on me daily, but that is about it.
I still have Jeff's cell phone. It is under a contract so I haven't turned it off. I can call it and hear his voice on his voicemail. I also have one of those Christmas Books that you can record your voice as you read it. He started it for a grandaughter but didn't get but 2 pages completed. So, I kept it. I only listen to it when I know I don't mind crying! I miss his gruff voice!

deleted_user 03/04/2011

Funny - my answering machine was always in our laundry room - right off the garage. I recently gave up my land line, and only have my cell, but when I walk into the house, I still look for a blinking light!!! I hate to talk on the phone - it's a real phobia I guess, and people knew that. If the phone rang right in front of me, I wouldn't pick it up - Jerry would - always answer the phone. Something about having to ''show'' my emotions in person was threatening. When Jerry was in Hospice, I would get calls, and walk into the house exhausted, and have to rehash an awful day with others - awful. Now I have the same phone number (you can do that) but it's a cell. Jerry had to be available by phone - night and day, day and night - most of it was ''high maintenance'' people complaining about this or that after hours. He was always patient with people, and cordial. Now it's quiet, and I only talk to the people I want to talk to.

cliffskat 03/04/2011

In some of the other DS groups, people have "Phone Buddies" - someone they know well enough to be trusted to be contacted in case of emergency. It's actually part of the suicide prevention efforts. Maybe that's something people might want to think about. Just to have somebody who would check in on you and vice-versa. I would never give my number to someone that I don't know fairly well, but still it's something to consider.

Cliff almost never called me at work. It was usually the other way around. I would call from the office to check on him and the kids, or just to share stuff. It took a long time to stop reaching for the phone to call him. Oh how that sucked.....

Now I live on the other side of the world and don't have any friends here, so never any phone calls. I check the answering machine to make sure there are no disasters with my boys in the US. I know there's not going to be any friendly calls for me.

I do talk to my sons and my sister on Skype, and that helps.

Love and Hugs, Martha

deleted_user 03/04/2011

All - just a note about land lines versus cell phones. I was going to have my land line disconnected but was advised not to by my neighbor - a police officer. In case of an emergency one just needs to dial 911 from a land line and emergency personnel can locate you - even if you can't say a word. It takes much longer - if at all possible with a cell phone.
Just my thoughts.

lovelos 03/04/2011

You are so right TJ. So busy the first month or so now everyone has gone on to their "couple lives" and I stare at the phone waiting for it to ring. I am the only widow I know other than all of you. I still have the once a month get together with my nurse friends but there are alot of days from one month to the next....My 2 sons text me regularily. God forbid they pick up the phone and actually talk!

I did not have a land line when we first moved here and Larry was dying. My cell phone was not reliable when I needed someone in an emergency..I kept on losing the signal...maybe cells are better in the states. Just a thought, Lu Ann

widowhoodsucks 03/04/2011

I know what you mean. Most of the calls I get on my landline are wrong numbers, telemarketers, or someone reminding me of a doctors appt. Sometimes I feel like I need to get rid of it. What happens to people anyway........do they just forget about us?

Caroline04 03/04/2011

It's reality, unfortunately. Everyone is busy with their own lives. I guess this is when we need to get out and form new friendships, join groups , etc. It is odd to think that because we no longer have our spouses, we lack alot of what we had in common with friends and sometimes family. It is much like it was when we had single friends when we were married. I hope you don't let this get you down. I think so many of us here can relate to what you're experiencing. It is almost like we have to start our lives over again.

deleted_user 03/04/2011

I don't get many calls either, at least not personal ones. I recently put myself back on the no call list, so soon I won't be getting any sales calls either.
I don't have any friends that I can call here yet, since I have only been here a month. All my friends are a toll call now. It is really a bummer sometimes, having no one to talk to. Judith

deleted_user 03/04/2011

Ok, this is pretty pathetic. I think I may have to write a book on this widow/ widower stuff and educate the general public on what to do and not do for people like us BUT I think the book would be rather short because I kind of think the only wrong thing is to do nothing at all. If I get teary when someone says something, they say, oh I didn't want to make you cry, but I tell them you didn't..this is just part of the process. I wish my tears didn't make people uncomfortable, it's ok to just let me tear up, I'll be ok in a moment or two and will have appreciated your support. There my book is fninished. Anyone know a good publisher????

deleted_user 03/04/2011

Hey Marcy Marcy -Possible sponsors: Kleenex for sure - Water Proof Mascara - Rolaids - Tums - Any/all over the counter sleeping pills - CHOCOLATE MAKERS EVERYWHERE - and any/all junk food manufacturers!!! Vicki

marjoe 03/04/2011

TJ - actually, I'm the opposite. I have a phone phobia (like you didn't know, right?) And you know what it stems from? Waiting for the call about my mother. Getting the call about my father. Putting Joe's cell phone next to him, while he finally cat napped, when I went in to work, so if he fell, or something happened, he could call me. And me on edge every minute I was away from him. He couldn't make it up the stairs and wanted to sleep downstairs, so I had my phone by the bed, too. In hospice, while I was sleeping, my stepkids said I kept half waking, saying, what is it? Are you ok? I hate phones. There, I said it. Sorry, Trish - this struck a chord. I guess I'm not on the light hearted thought thing tonight. However - however....I take sadistic pleasure in toying with telemarketers. Does this count? And actually, once I get over the cringing thing, and see the number on my caller ID (a wonderful thing), I guess I can admit to likin' it. Hugs, Marsha

NewRoadsForMe 03/05/2011

I seldom get calls from anyone but my kids. Anything else is probably business, and I don't want to deal with it when I walk in with an armload of groceries. Speaking of people who don't acknowledge our loss, here's a quick story. After Joe's battling cancer for 2 yrs, I had to retire to take care of him. My boss (high up) that I reported directly to never acknowledged the death when it occurred, nor did he come to the funeral home, nor did he call, nor did he even have his secretary send me a card. Yesterday I got a message on my machine that the boss is retiring and wouldn't I like to come to his going away party. You can guess whether I will be going to that or not. We were "close" business associates and I was blown away at the insensitivity. It has been hard for me to forgive the absolute failure to acknowledge Joe's death. And, by the way, Joe worked at the same place I did, but had another boss who sent the most beautiful handwritten card. It is my favorite card because it said everything I wanted to hear: I am so sorry to hear of Joe's death. He was a wonderful person, so kind and gentle. His deep love for you was clear to all of us and we will miss him greatly.

Join the Conversation