Hi Michelle. Well it's only been a month, but I've been pretty lucky thus far. The calls are still coming in and my doorbell still rings although there are times that I wish it wouldn't :). I know that over time, people will get on with life as I know I will. Marti created a home that was a stopping over ground for so many people. We almost always had someone over and even when she got sick, I come home from work and there would be 4 cars outside the house. I hope it doesn't end although realistically it has to. Sounds like it has a few more months down the line for you. Hang in there, I'm headed in your direction, time-wise. Kip.

Michelle, It is hard when the calls and visits slow down and eventually stop. I am sorry that you are getting the reactions that you have from friends. It has been 20 months for me now. In the beginning the calls and visits were pretty regular and I thought with all of the people in our lives (the kids and myself) we would be ok. There were times too that I just needed time alone. Now life has gone back to normal routines for everyone. It is really hard at times even still. Friendships change, new ones are made, some of the old ones have gone by the way side for many reasons. I think for me the most painful of all is my in-laws. We don't hear from them much at all anymore and they all live in the same town. Not one of them contacted the kids on Father's Day or My Husbands birthday last week. It's like they have moved on and we are no longer a part of their lives. It's a double loss. I was part of that family for 27 years and the kids,well it just hurts. We are learning to make a new life the 3 of us. That is why I spend so much time on DS because so many people here have experienced similar situations and I know that I am not alone.
I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you hugs. Denise

Hi Michelle--It's been 3 months for me, but our friends still remain. Even have made some new ones along the way. I force myself to do things, whether I want to or not. Realized that our friends, who are still married, have their own jobs and responsibilities. They can't babysit me nor be my crutch.

It's baby steps, one day at a time. Taking offers for outside events, even a neighbor to walk with after work.

This is the hardest thing in the world we will ever do, and hopefully we will all recover.

Michelle - I've gone through that, too. But on the other hand, I've had people seek me out to talk, to actually hug me and want to know how I'm doing - and they mean it. People from left field who I never thought of as being a comfort. My human angels. I've found that people get freaked out, and that's sad, and it hurt me. But, you know, it's their problem, not yours - thank G-d your family is close; the friends who can take it, who will try to understand - you'll start to see who they are. Hugs, Marsha

My circle of friends changed dramatically when I became a widow, and like you, after a couple of months many just expected me to be okay. Like Marsha, I had people I never thought would even notice come forward to offer support while the people I thought for sure would be there for me, people I had been there for like you have for your friends, run the other way! It hurt like hell. It pissed me off. Did they think it was contagious??! And like Denise, my in-laws - after 30 years in the family - nothing. Which made me angry not so much for my own sake, but for my sons. I was lucky my own sister and brother who are close by did help, my boss was supportive, and NEW friends came through for me. And of course, the biggest help were my DS friends. I'll always be grateful to the ones here that stuck it out with me. Love and Hugs, Martha

Michelle,

I understand exactly how you feel. My husband has been gone for 3 months, and after the funeral, with the exception of only a couple of family members and close friends, people stopped coming or calling. We had almost 300 people at his funeral, and he was dearly loved by family and friends.

It is difficult to speculate why people act the way they do. Initially, it made me very angry and I felt abandoned by so many people. Today, I look at those who are there for me and feel grateful. For those who are not there or ask if there is anything I need I feel entitled to just let them be if that is what I WANT for now, even family. Some family call, but tell me to snap out of it, knock it off, keep asking if I am working, but do not ask if there is anything I need. When they called my brother-in-law and said that I didn't call or answer their emails, I felt that that was my right today.

Hang in there and embrace those who are there for you today.
lespreludes

hi michelle I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN . ABOUT THE FRIENDS VANISHING. IT REALLY HURTS THAT PEOPLE THAT I WORK WITH DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COURTESTY TO SEND CONDOLANCES.I AM OFF WORK NOW AND IT WILL BE WEIRD RETURNING IN 3 MOS.MY HUSBAND PASSED 6 WEEKS AGO. PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. JUST SOMEONE CALLING AND LEAVING A MSG. TO SAY THINKING OF YOU MEANS ALOT. WELL ITS ONE DAY AT A TIME HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY

Hi Michelle ~ It happened to me too. When my husband died, after the funeral ALL our friends disappeared. I even tried calling some of the women, but they never returned the calls. I guess a widow isn't wanted in a 'world of couples.' Perhaps their insecure??? Who knows. But it sure does hurt when you THOUGHT they were your friends!!

I'll sure be more careful picking out friends from now on! Take care. Hugs, Lee

Oh my goodness, ditto for me. MY friends stuck it out like i knew they would. OUR friends...what friends. I'm not gonna steal your husband. (that's how they make me feel) or worse they say we didn't invite you cause it was all "couples". Well poo on you, we don't need inconsiderate people like them in our lives. You still got us.

I think to some extent the friends I lost were really my wife's friends first. She had two very close friends, and they both told me they loved me. They were there for me up to the funeral and soon after. Then they both vanished. One said "please understand that I need my space and time to deal with this." So I respected her and have not called at all. It has been more than 6 months now. I have now assumed that this friends are lost, and I understand why, as they were her friends not mine to begin with. I also have moved onto a new love, and that may have caused the end for them.
Then again, I've had my own close friends who have stood by me through all this, no matter what I do.
Some friends will stand by you. Some will not, that is the way it is.

Hi M,I too can relate to this sentiment especially how bluerose put it, many so called friends disappeared, it's the fact the kids miss out which gets to me, they are all so concerned when they see me and nice but then I hear of get togethers which I wasn't invited to, I've never borrowed off anyone or made myself a burden of any kind but come the hols and weekends, it's down to me to entertain four kids on my own and work, I never assumed anyone else was responsible but to not hear a thing from any of these mums or dads when all of them say what nice kids I have, totally baffles me.
I was in a major shopping centre with my kids and bumped into their Godparents who haven't seen them since their mum's funeral, 2 1/2 yrs ago, I was with my youngest and was on my way to meeting the others 50yds away, they couldn't even be bothered to walk down with me to see them, nowt queer as folk eh?
I think Michelle, that you and many others like us will have to face up to the fact that our lives will never be the same again and that must extend to friends, perhaps the answer is to accept the fact that those friends from our old life cannot adjust so we need to find new friends who have only known us as being widowed, it would be nice if we had as many choices as them I suppose but we for the sake of ourselves and in some cases, our kids, must just get on with it, I hope this helps, my thoughts are with you..A xx

MICHELLE,

I FOUND THAT I'VE CHANGED! I HAD TO FIND OUT WHO BRIAN WAS W/OUT CINDY, B/C FOR SO LONG WE WERE BRIAN & CINDY TO EVERYONE, WE WERE SELDOM APART. SOME PEOPLE COULDN'T BEAR TO LOOK @ ME B/C HER LEAVING LEFT A BIG HOLE IN THEM TOO. SOME WERE A$$HOLES TO ME AFTERWARD, BUT THEY WERE HURTING TOO. THE FRIENDS THAT STAY AWAY, I THINK, SOMETIMES THEY WANNA HELP BUT DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR DO. THEN OTHERS REALIZE THIER OWN MORTALITY. THE SAD FACT IS, IF A COUPLE STAYS TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH, THEY'LL GO THROUGH THE SAME THING WE HAVE. I, FOR ONE, HOPE THAT I'LL BE THERE TO HELP THEM OUT & BE THERE FOR THEM.

HOPE THIS MADE SENSE & HELPS, RIP.