Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Today (May 15) is the day I have been dreading for quite a while. One year. It seems I have been re-living the whole event of last year minute-by-minute in real-time for the past week. "This time last year, I was doing such-and-such," or "It was exactly one year ago today the doctor gave me the ultimate in bad news." When each of the kids arrived at the hospital. . . and on and on.
So the anniversary of the moment of her passing (2:45 AM) comes-and-goes. I stayed up for some reason, and was surprised I wasn't simply overwhelmed with grief. Went back to bed, and after getting up for good, I have had no emotion whatsoever - no sadness, no depression, no happiness - just nothing. I have felt numb all day. Even ran a few errands. At this point I am beginning to wonder why I don't seem to be grieving. And feeling somewhat guilty about it. Friends call and I tell them I'm doing OK.
And then it hit me. Late this afternoon, there was a trigger, and I broke down. Everything that had been pent-up for the past few days just came uncontrollably rushing out. I felt physically sick. I've gathered myself up a bit, but I feel like I've been run over by a train. The entire day has played-out in a way I did not expect. This is indeed a difficult journey.
I've now been through one of everything - holidays, birthdays - the same list everyone has. Now that this is over I have something with which I can compare when these dates roll-around again. I'm hoping making it through the first year is a good thing.
So the anniversary of the moment of her passing (2:45 AM) comes-and-goes. I stayed up for some reason, and was surprised I wasn't simply overwhelmed with grief. Went back to bed, and after getting up for good, I have had no emotion whatsoever - no sadness, no depression, no happiness - just nothing. I have felt numb all day. Even ran a few errands. At this point I am beginning to wonder why I don't seem to be grieving. And feeling somewhat guilty about it. Friends call and I tell them I'm doing OK.
And then it hit me. Late this afternoon, there was a trigger, and I broke down. Everything that had been pent-up for the past few days just came uncontrollably rushing out. I felt physically sick. I've gathered myself up a bit, but I feel like I've been run over by a train. The entire day has played-out in a way I did not expect. This is indeed a difficult journey.
I've now been through one of everything - holidays, birthdays - the same list everyone has. Now that this is over I have something with which I can compare when these dates roll-around again. I'm hoping making it through the first year is a good thing.
My condolences to you on the sadness of this day. But I must also say that I am so glad to see a post from you. I have not seen a post from you in a while and I have wondered how you were doing. I recall that you had an illness not long after your wife passed away. I hope you are in better health now.
The first year is so hard ... with all the "firsts" of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and so many sad days. And yes, getting through it is certainly an achievement. Please come back here to DS more often, and let us know what is going on in your life.
Wishing you peace . . .
At 13 months, I can say I had similar. The actual day was uneventful and then within a few days . . bam, I hit a wall (a big one). We can never actually anticipate our triggers or anniversary dates . . what they will bring. Often time we over think or project . . . we can plan, and plans don't pan out . . . or we don't plan on purpose and still get blindsided when least expected. I guess my point is . . . you did the best you could, kudos . . . for having achieved the one year of firsts. It's not easy, but here you are . . still standing, wounded yet not defeated. Thanks for sharing with us. Hugs, Dayna
stone. I hope it will be the same for you. It has been 6 1/2 yrs. for me and I feel I am as "adjusted" as I will ever be. I was very blessed to have 50 yrs. with my husband.
Wishing you peaceful days - Doye
My one-year was three weeks ago and for me it was pretty awful two weeks before and two after. The day itself I was numb as you were. What I hadn't considered at all was the anniversary of all the "firsts" immediately after he died and I really only started to pick up after the anniversary of the memorial service.
From what I read on here, that's not a common experience though, so I hope it's better for you.
Sandy
I am dreading the first anniversary, it's coming up soon. I, too, think I'm coping, and then ... wham! The last two days have been very weepy for me, and I don't know what triggered it.
You're absolutely right, this IS a difficult journey!
You've made it through the first year, and I hope it gets better.
Sending you comforting hugs,
Janie
Take care and hugs to you.
I can tell you that the anniversaries get easier, they have each been different in some way for me. One of the biggest changes is that they can knock me down but I get up much faster as I know from experience now that I CAN get back up, that I CAN keep going, and that not all of life's surprises are bad surprises.
I think in the second year I also stopped feeling guilty for the progress I had made during the first year.
I hope the days to come are better and brighter for you, and I am glad you let us know how you are doing, I was thinking about you recently and had wondered.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I keep reliving his last day.....it is just so damn painful and I want it to end....this pain.
I feel for all of us living this hell.
Jen
Martha, as always thanks for your insight. At times I feel almost proud that I've made it this far and then guilty that I'm "doing well". We feel like we should get some kind of prize for making it this far but the only thing we want is what we can never have - our loved one back again. Grief is such a complex mix of emotions and experiences. So glad we have this site to share with others who understand. Hugs to all, Liz.