Dee1, I am so sorry you lost such a special person. I hope you have someone, one of your children, co worker, friend, you can lean on right now. I felt much the same as you although I knew it was coming for 2 years. The suddenness of losing your life love is such an unreal shock. Hugs.

I have children close by. They worry and try. I know it is going to take time to get over losing our life that we had built together. He was a good man and a good provider. I hate all of these choices that bombard you and the picking up of the pieces. I hate not having him with me to give me his wise advice. He was the stability in my storm of a life. So worried that this intense sadness is all I will ever feel from here on. I always told him that death should take us at the same time so that we would not have to suffer through this nightmare. I just do not understand why a vibrant person was taken away :(

Dee1, everything you are feeling is normal. My sweet soulmate passed unexpectedly from a massive heart attack at the end of Sept, but it feels like yesterday. It happened at home, just after we went to bed for the evening. I did CPR until the EMS arrived. They worked on her for nearly an hour but were unable to revive her and just like that she was gone. I still have flashbacks and nightmares of that horrible night. Like you, this is my first Christmas without my sweet wife. We were together for 32 years and the sorrow, loneliness and heartbreak are beyond words. She was the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my everything! Just like you, I am completely devastated and feel like I am being punished by God, I have even had a Christian friend tell me that maybe I loved my wife more than I loved God which caused God to get jealous, so he took her. We also lost our oldest son to cancer in 2006. I have 3 other grown children, but they have their own families and lives to lead. Believe me I know the pain, sorrow, grief, anger, loneliness and suffering you are going through. I pray that God will give you the strength and peace to carry you through these devastating times. Just remember, you aren’t alone!

I wish you peace. When your love is strong I read the grief is just as strong because you loved. They say it never goes away but gets softer. My husband too was a wonderful strong man. They say in grief counseling I should not see it as God took him from me. I’m still struggling. I still feel we got robbed of more time. I hated making funeral plans. I don’t think people understood it’s my air I will be without. We breathed life into each other and our love was our rock. I wish us both peace.

I am with you. I kissed my wife and brought her morning coffee on October 20. She appeared fine as usual. I came home later in the day and found her deceased. There was nothing I could do. She was 52 and appeared healthy.
She was my soulmate and love of my life. There was never a chance to say goodbye. I too feel I was robbed of more time. It has been seven weeks and I am feeling the raw emotion of this loss. This site is the last place I want to be on right now. I know everyone here feels the same way. I am doing my best to reach out and work. The feelings sometimes are unbearable at times. The only way to go is forward.

Hi RonnJ,
I get it-My husband had retired from military, started a new job working nights. He got home in the morning, crawled into bed, rubbed my back like he always did. I had to get up about 10 min later, went downstairs to let my daughter in-heard a strange noise from our bedroom, ran back upstairs and he made another weird noise-like he could not breathe. I tried to roust him, then called 911. I tried my rusty CPR until the paramedics were there in a flash. They worked on him for awhile, then took him to the hospital-they would not let me in the bedroom as they worked and when they carried him down, it looked like his arm was up holding onto something-so I was hopeful they brought him around but they still cautioned me to stay back. I rushed to the hospital and in my heart knew he was gone. He had always been healthy and strong. He was able to get anything done. He was smart and took such good care of me and the kids. He deserved a long happy life. I adored him, admired him, hero worshipped him. I never wanted to live without him. I always knew that my world would crumble without him-it is unbearable. I want his stuff here for comfort but it hurts too. This is just killing me.

I understand how you feel and all of those feelings are normal they say. I experienced all of those and still do. I still ask why was he taken? Why so soon? He was 47. I feel like I am being punished as well. There is not another person like him out there. He loved me so much and me him. We were paddle boarding the day before we found out he had a brain tumor and 2 days later he was rushed into emergency surgery and never woke up. Just like that, so fast, no time to process. I am so lost without him. Everything feels like I just get through it. A part of me died with him that day. I try and talk to him and its not the same. I miss him and our life together. I have no kids and am alone other then when I see family and friends. I am shocked to say widow still at the age of 40 and shocked to be in this group bit we are all in the same place and we all understand.

I really feel for you Nocaponlove. I have sat here all day looking at his videos, listening to voicemails. Trying to get through all the insignificant details that I must do. Got a call from his employer's aftercare, asking do I need help-and yeah I do, but they can not give him back to me. I was asking myself today would we humans go through all of the joy of loving someone, if we knew that this type of pain could come with it. I am so so sad, so so hurt, so so alone. I am shocked at some of these stories in this day and age of medicine that our loved ones can be taken so suddenly without warning. My husband just had a stellar health report-I just do not get it....

Hi Dee1, we have had a lot of the same thoughts. I feel the same way about how there has to be cures or how are things not caught sooner. A support system is great and really just try to help but yes they cant bring them back and that is all we want. I am always here to chat. I go through videos, voicemails, and pictures as well. I miss him so much. We will always question why....

Hello. I am 38 and lost my husband, bestfriend, world, breath, and everything else that's been used on here to describe him. It was a tragic auto accident that happened 2 months ago. He was 48 and my hero for sure. We didn't have any kids and I both my parents previously. You've described so well the utter loss and emotion that I can't find words for. All I want is to be happy again. He was my only family. We were all eachother had and knew it. We have a pup named Skye. He's what keeps me going most days aside from my love for Jehovah God. God is certainly helping me. In every way. Still, the loss is too much to deal with sometimes. I was by my own definition the happiest girl in the world prior to this. I really want to atleast be able to not feel such strong sorrow. And yes, seeing his things is both theraputic and torture all in one. I can't even look in his closet for very long still. It's too painful.

Hi Underwde,
I have lost my parents, grandparents. I have a brother and we are both terrified of losing each other as well. It causes a bit of panic if one of us doesn't respond to the other. Losing someone in an auto accident has got to be such a catastrophic event-I am so so sorry that happened. I already have so much anger over feeling my husbands loss should not have happened. I am not sure how I would react over an auto accident. Please know that I will have you in my prayers as I do all of the people I read on this site. I will pray that God will hold you close and give you a sense of peace and happiness.
I had to go get my husbands urn yesterday-he did not want to be buried by himself-he always said when our two little dogs go, he wants them cremated and whichever one of us is the last to go-we should all be put together with that one. I cried all day yesterday realizing that my husband had been reduced to an urn and a wooden box of ashes. It was heartbreaking and somehow weirdly a little comforting-because I had him here. I took the urn and box upstairs and put them on his side of the bed, and yes put them in the bed when I went to sleep. I am probably going to be that crazy person who takes her husbands ashes with her everywhere :( I try to get a response from whatever sort of energy he is now. I have had a lot of loss in my life, but this loss is definitely the one that has taken away any fear of death I ever had. I just really want my baby, soul mate, best husband that I could have ever asked for back-God, I miss him......There are no rules on how to deal with the loss of a spouse-You, Underwde, please take care of yourself.

How do you cope with the holidays? My husband pulled all of our Christmas trees out of storage the night before he died and wanted me to put them up while he was at work. I put them up but was waiting to decorate them with him. Now I have 3 undecorated trees up with no desire to do anything with them. I don't have the energy to decorate them or take them down :(

Oh Dee! I am so sorry! Your story is almost identical to mine when my husband died suddenly of a heart attack at 49 years old. It IS devastating. Your present and future are drastically changed and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
You feel like you've been punched with a nightmare that you can't wake up from.
As awful as it is, don't lose hope. You will not always feel this way.
It will take time for you to adjust to your new paradigm, but your life will go on and you CAN be happy again. But for now, you're taking baby steps, each day as it comes. You can't dwell on what could have, what should have, or what your future might be like.
If you feel too tired to decorate or take your trees down, ask for help. You don't have to celebrate Christmas the same way if it reminds you too much of your husband. Ask someone to put it all away for you.
It's good to get plenty of rest (because grief is exhausting), to lean on a good friend or two or more who are compassionate and will listen to you vent your sorrow, and to trust that God loves you and has not forgotten you (because He hasn't).
Much love to you!

I understand how you feel. To loose the love of your life at an early age is the worst thing I have felt in my life. I don't know what to say but don't hold your feelings in. I was in shock for many months after my husband died. Support groups are very helpful

Yes, I am feeling very depressed and so so sad. I think I will have to find a support group.