Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi, my name is Anna. I found this site about two months and decided to finally join. I have read so many heartfelt topics and replies that I can relate to. I lost my husband Dec. 9 2012. So it has been 2 1/2 yrs for me. We went to bed and he never woke up. It is assumed that he had a heart attack, he was only 47 but heart disease runs in his family. At first (and still do at times) I felt so much guilt because I did not wake up in time, and I always wondered if I did, would I have been able to do something for him, would there be a different outcome? I guess I will never know.
We were married almost 25 yrs. (Feb 2012 would have been our 25th anniversary) . When we got married I already had 2 small kids and a year later we had our daughter. He raised my 2 older ones since their dad was not in their lives, my kids choose to call him dad, and in every sense of the word he was their dad.
I have found a few other sites for widows( thats a hard word to adjust to), but sometimes they make me feel like I will never get through this especially reading stuff from others that have been widowed for 5 yrs or more. Sometimes it makes me more sad.
I have read or heard that the length of your grief is not a measure of the love you have for the person you lost. At times I feel like I am so tired of feeling so lost, so not myself, so unsure, etc., that I want to more forward and go on with my life, and then I feel guilty for feeling that.
I guess I have a hard time dealing with frustration, and sometimes anger. I have yet to hear from even a few of the ones that came to the viewing. I guess they are too busy in their own lives to even pick up a phone just to ask how are you doing. When I have run into a few people that I know and they know that my husband passed I get told "well you look good" ??????.
Another site I found had a list of "64 things I wished I knew about grief" there were alot of things on that list that rang so true.
Dealing with the loneliness is so hard, even though my one adult daughter lives with me, and my other 2 live real close, its not the same. It would be so nice to meet a few others that could understand how I feel and we could vent and just unfortunately have something in common. Since I just turned 54 (yes I was 3 1/2 yrs older than him) I feel like I am too old for somethings, but too young for others. Its so scary to think about living the rest of my life alone but its just as scary to think about starting over again.
So sorry that my first time here and I went on and on. (Sometimes I feel that if I did talk to someone who is in the same situation, it would take a couple of hours to talk out all of my frustrations. Thank you all for listening to me.
We were married almost 25 yrs. (Feb 2012 would have been our 25th anniversary) . When we got married I already had 2 small kids and a year later we had our daughter. He raised my 2 older ones since their dad was not in their lives, my kids choose to call him dad, and in every sense of the word he was their dad.
I have found a few other sites for widows( thats a hard word to adjust to), but sometimes they make me feel like I will never get through this especially reading stuff from others that have been widowed for 5 yrs or more. Sometimes it makes me more sad.
I have read or heard that the length of your grief is not a measure of the love you have for the person you lost. At times I feel like I am so tired of feeling so lost, so not myself, so unsure, etc., that I want to more forward and go on with my life, and then I feel guilty for feeling that.
I guess I have a hard time dealing with frustration, and sometimes anger. I have yet to hear from even a few of the ones that came to the viewing. I guess they are too busy in their own lives to even pick up a phone just to ask how are you doing. When I have run into a few people that I know and they know that my husband passed I get told "well you look good" ??????.
Another site I found had a list of "64 things I wished I knew about grief" there were alot of things on that list that rang so true.
Dealing with the loneliness is so hard, even though my one adult daughter lives with me, and my other 2 live real close, its not the same. It would be so nice to meet a few others that could understand how I feel and we could vent and just unfortunately have something in common. Since I just turned 54 (yes I was 3 1/2 yrs older than him) I feel like I am too old for somethings, but too young for others. Its so scary to think about living the rest of my life alone but its just as scary to think about starting over again.
So sorry that my first time here and I went on and on. (Sometimes I feel that if I did talk to someone who is in the same situation, it would take a couple of hours to talk out all of my frustrations. Thank you all for listening to me.
I am 53, I lost my Tim 10 months ago, he was 54. He went to bed at night and did not wake up in the morning. Very unexpected. We had just celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. Yes we were very young when we got married.
When haave 2 son'd, one lives in the lower level of my home and the other is only 15 minutes away. But still I feel very alone as I have never really been alone.
As with you I do not picture myself being alone from this time on, but very scary thinking about starting again.
I to am very hurt and frustrated by my friends who seem to have dissapeared since Tim's passing. It's almost like they were only there because of him or that they think I am contaigous.
I also fight with feeling of guilt as Tim had indigestion for 2 days and I if I would have insisted he visit the Doctor would he still be here to enjoy his Son's and Grandkids.
I read something from Marsha on this site that I have been trying to remember to tell myself. That Tim would be so proud of me and all I have accomplished by myself.
Hugs, Sandi
A couple of weeks after that horrible day in November 2007, I found this site, and read the story of another widow who lost her husband, just like I did, at almost the exact minute Cliff died. She did CPR, too, and she was a trained nurse. She couldn't save her husband either.
I tell you these things so that you know that even under different circumstances - if you had woken up, if you had done CPR, if you had been specially trained to do CPR - it probably would not have made any difference at all. It is rare that a person in a heart attack can be saved even with CPR, and in 80% of the cases where the person is revived, they suffer brain damage and lose their quality of life. So please let go of the guilt - it will not help you - it will only prolong your pain.
I think you will find much comfort and understanding here, and I hopes it help you finally rebuild your life. It helped me being here, and I have rebuilt mine.
I am sorry for your loss, and for all the pain you have felt all this time. I understood and identified with so much of what you wrote. But I want you to know you are welcome here, and that you will get through this. Don't give up!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I lost my wife Donna in Sept of 2012 due to breast cancer. We were married for 40 years, just out of high school. I'm with you, I have my son and his wife and my grandchild living with me but I have never felt so alone in my life as i have since my wife passed. I guess it goes with the territory.
Take care of yourself, post anytime
Jeff
I'm one of the community leaders here along with cliffskat and marjoe. We have passed the 5 year mark as has many others who can share that you can survive this. We build a new life (existence at first) and find usefulness again in new and various ways. The loss remains, but doesn't rule your days as it once did. Grief can't be erased, it must be dealt with, understood, and placed in a part of you that you can build on for yourself.
My personal story was 3+ years of soul searching to identify this woman who's role of wife had been completed. Our children were adults and our plans to travel and be a couple again wouldn't happen. So who am I, was the question for me.
My husband died of lung cancer 10 weeks after diagnosis. Three years later I met a widower and we had dinner and socialized for almost a year before moving to our separate lives. By then I was open to a more exclusive relationship and I met my now husband.
Others here have built lives of independence and much enjoyment in freedom to be themselves. There is no wrong choice, just finding the best way for you. Hope to get to know more about you in the days ahead. Sharon
I know just what you mean about people acting like you are contagious. I don't have friends outside of work and here, but I have a number of work associated acquaintances and as it has come up and I have to say that I am recently widowed, you can visibly see them moving back as if I have announced I have a disease.
I also think that people tell you that you are looking good to make themselves feel better.
Have you tried counseling? I went three times and even that was a help. (Will go more when I geti insurance straightened out)
I was amazed at how much it helped to talk to someone who wanted to listen but was not hurting themselves.
People on this site are at all stages of grief and time - some of us at more than one stage at the same time. I believe you will find support and comfort here.