Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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One month

mrsmills2013
mrsmills2013
One month ago today, I lost my Denny. The last night he was with me, I slept in the hospital bed with him. Even though he was in a semi comatose state, when I got up during the night, and went to get back in bed, he always moved over so I could lay there with him.

I lost it last night. Sitting at work now trying hard not to lose it now. I miss him so much. Denny was my world. He was the missing part of me. And now there is this hole in the middle of my heart that just aches.

I know he is still with me, because in my darkest moments I can feel the love we had for each other coursing through my entire body. But I want him here, with me, healthy, strong. And it is killing me that I cannot physically touch him. I feel selfish because I know he was in a lot of pain for such a long time, and that he is at peace now. That's good for him. But I just miss him so much it is consuming my every waking thought. I know this is normal. I embrace it. I love the love we share, even now. But I really just wish I could touch his face one more time.

Except I know one more time wouldn't be enough.
dariamiro
dariamiro
I love your last sentence. It will be 8 months for me next week. It is still hard, but when the hard times come I know they will pass. The heavy heart will always stay, and so it should. Like you, I feel him with me, I feel his love and I am able to love him back. Take good care of yourself.
MysticDay
MysticDay
I agree, MrsMills! I thought yesterday as I woke up - if I could only hug him just one more time.

So I'm sending hugs to you -

Mystic
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
This loss is so profound. I wept missing him in his chair with the newspaper. I wept because no one wanted the remote and I have it for myself. I wept because no one asked if I wanted something from the kitchen. These are the things no one understands about losing your life partner and best friend.
Cry, Mrs Mills. Let them cleanse you and know you are not alone. We understand. Sharon
snowalone
snowalone
Oh my dear, I feel your pain, we all do. It's so helpless - can't reason our way out of it - it's not just there in the mind. Nor is it centered just in the heart - there's too much memory there.

Grief encompasses us entirely. Our created past, present and future. our heart's memory, our mind's memory, our sense of touch, smell, taste! Even our sense of the known down here on earth, and the unknown we strive to comprehend "up there" beyond comprehension.

It's so intangible and there's no way around it - as it's likely there too, around the next corner.

So all we can do is cry with you, and say we understand (we truly do), and watch as you make your way through. Thank you for allowing us the privilege of sharing this with you. You support our journey too.
mrsmills2013
mrsmills2013
No, it's not the same as losing another family member. I think the two biggest hurts are losing your spouse and outliving your child. My heart breaks for my inlaws, Denny was the baby of the family. And I don't know the pain of losing a child. But others who think they know the pain of loss, don't understand that profound pain of losing the person you pledged your life to. It's going on break from work, briefly thinking oh I'll turn on my phone, see if Denny sent me a text. Its remembering the little quips and phrases you make up to each other. It's hearing that song on the radio that they would sing to you, or the television shows you would watch together. The nights are too quiet without the sound of his loud, resonating snore that I was used to listening to as I fell asleep.

It's a million different things.