Yep. still do., but even going through the motions get you out of the house. I had a setback and didn't/couldn't make myself go out any farther than the backyard. But I will get dressed and put on my face and try again soon. Keep throwing it onto the wall until some sticks. Then I may enjoy a true belly laugh again instead of the nervous chitter, done to respond to a joke as others laughed.

Your feelings are completely normal. Of course you feel like you're on the outside looking in. I'm glad your friends and family were aware of your loneliness and did all they could to make you feel comfortable. The "feel" is different when you are used to having your hubby by your side to turn to and share comments, laughs, insights, etc.

You have 2 shoes on your feet. How would you feel if you had only one shoe and had to walk like that? Of course it wouldn't feel right! You were 2 and now you are 1. It will feel unnatural and awkward for a long time, most likely. I still feel awkward everywhere I go, but I am used to being awkward now. I only hang around very nice people, and they help me all they can to feel important and appreciated.

I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I feel empty without my wife.

Very good analogy. I am definitely a "one shoe" woman and you are so right, it is better to keep with people you feel comfortable with.

Lin, you are not loosing it. It is still shock, it will last a while. You are not alone.

Take care. Viviane

Outside looking in...that's about it. A friend was playing a gig on Sunday and asked me to comeout to support him. I put together a small group of about 10 people to go. It was a good time, people laughing, singing, and I know it was the right thing to do, but yes, in every sense, it still feels like I am on the outside looking in. I can't believe it is me sitting there surrounded by people and love, yet oh so alone....

Isn't that the way it feel at times...

i feel that way most always but am hopeful not to feel that way one day....so we keep plugging along. I do not feel that way in a one on one situation, its the rroup settings that make me jittery. I do not do them unless its a 'have to'....not yet...............one day

I also avoid group situations at this point. I not only feel that I am on the outside looking in but also that everyone is looking at me. I am normally very social but now I get very anxious when I have to be around a lot of people. I really am not ready to be part of a world where people actually go through their days without the intense emotions and pain I am feeling. I do okay with people one at a time and I am working so I am not isolating myself completely. I know one day I will join the world again. One more reason this group of people help so much along the way. -Deb

Dissociation is detachment from immediate surroundings ~
Its a coping/defense mechanism ~

Have you ever been in public when a baby is crying uncontrollably & no amount of comfort will soothe her/him?
Generally, it is from overstimulation of sights & sounds ~
A baby has not yet developed coping or defense mechanisms like an adult, so they cry out from the pain it causes ~

Baby steps especially w/public outings ~
Setting a time limit can also be helpful to prevent it from happening ~
Unfortunately, this is another one of those things that happens during grief that nobody tells you about ~
I don't recall how long it lasted, but I often wished I had it back ~
B/c once that protection was gone I often felt like I was jumping or crawling out of my skin ~
It all sucks till your nerve endings retract & you gain some semblance of coping & balance ~

Hope this helps you to understand what is going on & that it is good & perfectly normal at this time ~

Oos, I forgot to mention if dissociation occurs at home you may want to be wherever you feel the safest or create a space for it ~
You need to be able to bring yourself out of it to feel secure ~
I chose my walk-in closet ~
Geez, I began decorating it w/all my favorite stuff & a cot - maintained all of Bob's stuff & threw out all my clothes ~
Very cute & cozy; it was also a great place to grieve in private so I wouldn't do it alot in the grief mobile jeopardizing the safety of my kids & myself ~
The semblance of privacy the grief mobile provided could rip out one crying jag after another in the space of a mile ~

So like kids, for safety & privacy build a fort or secret hide away w/chairs or under a table using every blanket & pillow in the house, then filling it w/all their stuff ~
We revert backwards during grief to build ourself from the ground up once again ~

{{{HUGS}}}