I've joined other groups and forums on DS but feel the most comfortable here on Widows and Widowers. Not to say the other groups shouldn't exist for some may be happier on them. The future will hold the key to what groups last the test of time and what ones fall. I will be checking in often as I'm one of the older DSers who is dating and I'm also someone who depends on my faith to survive, but I like to think I still have a place here. Hugs to those who come and go and hugs to us who stay. Sharon

I think it is ok if they are regarded as "and" communities. ie, communities where different content is posted. But I believe people will still remain and post on the main board or it will die.

I spent a lot of time at work studying and consulting regarding online communities. There is a tension between large undifferentiated communities and small specialist ones. Experience is that smaller communities often fail to gain critial mass and that means overall activity reduces.

Looking at member groups on DS the observation is that historically they are not particularly successful. They generally start well and then go quiet. The ones that survive to maturity tend to run at a much lower activity rate.

Looking at yesterday, excluding the new group there were no new threads accross all the other 12 member groups under widows and just 3 replies. Compared to that the main board had 13 new threads and over eighty replies.

I have two things to agree with. First is that new groups can be a good thing. Second, some groups do not survive. When I came to DS I joined multiple groups to find a place to fit in. Young Widows, Single Parents, Widows of Faith...and they all sounded good at the time. There seems to be no intrest in the Young Widows' baord, and that is a shame. There are many of us here with young families wanting to bond with others. The Single Parents board is a nightmare. I have only encountered divorced parents that are happy to be rid of the other half of the marriage and find a new relationship. There was not much focus on child rearing issues. Participation is key here. If no one participates, the group will die.

Maggie

I think it is a good idea too. I was a participant on cancergrace. They have a group for caregivers, but once you become widowed, you must leave that group and enter the widow group. The W&W group on cancergrace is divided into timeline spans of your grief journey. You are allowed to move from one to the other, which I found helpful. It was comforting in my early months to read entries that were posted in the 1 year group. Seemed unbelievable at the time that I would actually recover to their level, but it was also supporting at the same time. I left cancergrace when I found DS. I stay on DS as a means of support to others now, but I am also part of a private group on Facebook.

There is no suggestion that anyone needs to leave widows after a particular time period or change in relationship circumstances.

DS have been quite clear regarding the use of this community.

"This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss."

That is clearly an inclusive agenda, let's not start adding in restrictions which are not supported/ intended by the owners providing this board.

At this time I need to be one of those that need to come and go.

As I have said before my heart hurts for each and everyone of you. I know where you are and where you are going.

The old feelings come flooding back and knock me back a step. This may be rude of me but I can not handle this.

I will not leave until it is made plain that I am no longer wanted or my help is no longer wanted.

This group has been a Godsend for me.

Hugs, Holly

Holly, I hope that you don't feel that you are not wanted on the main board. It was remiss of me but I was going to comment on your post about realising that your spouses choices were their own - I thought it was a really great post.

The main board cannot lose that kind of insight.

You're right, Acuriousfish. I think this is caused by the specilization of the new groups. People will only respond if they have something that specifically addresses the group. So if you form a group called Widows who Cook, people only respond if they have a new receipe or something. As time passes, you get fewer and fewer responses.
I'm a member of smaller groups here on DS and elsewhere, but I will always come here.

Believe it or not, I used to be a member of the Starsky and Hutch Christian group.

Wow Tru - the Starsky and Hutch Christian Group?? That's pretty darned specialized!

My feeling about how topics can be handled and new groups is this:

Imagine we are all part of one huge extended family, and we have gathered at someone's house. The whole house is in mourning - we all feel the loss to some degree, some more than others, some better able to deal with it than others. If you and I need to discuss something that we think will upset some of the family - what to do we do? We go into the next room and talk about it in private. We don't leave and get in the car and drive 20 miles to another house, do we?? And then there are times when families need to discuss thingstogether, no matter how uncomfortable it can be - that's life.

I have tried to be sensitive to those who would be upset discussing new relationships. I know how raw and painful it is. I remember the resentment of seeing other couples. Grocery shopping at the supermarket was a nightmare for me - I couldn't handle seeing the older couples who still had each other or the younger couples with their whole lives together ahead of them. I remember the anger, the resentment, the feeling of how unfair it was. I know that's part of what happens here, too. I have been painfully aware of that for 2 years now, and when necessary have tried to take discussions into the next room, so to speak, via private messages. I actually got flamed on the board for doing that with someone that wanted advice who was dating a widower. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't I guess.

But the truth is that most of the people who are bereaved eventually want another relationship. A few don't and never will, and I respect their wishes and feelings on that. But after 38 months here, and numerous private messages about it, I can assure you that the majority of those that come here will eventually find new companionship - including those that initially are adamantly against it. It's all part of normal processing of grief. So for all the gnashing of teeth,the reality is that new relationships are in the future for most of us.

I think a separate group is okay, but at the same time I think the group as a whole will still need to address these issues together on the main board. I think it should be done gently, and tactfully, and respectfully. I think a number of things can be discussed here if done gently and respectfully.

Personally, I have tried to leave some things in my journal if I think there is a potential for upset. The Great Debate and Two Hearts thread only got posted for the whole group after many people requested I do so after reading it in my journal. The new group has asked that it be posted there, too,and I am okay with that as well.

Join as many groups as you like. Just please stick around for the main "family" either way.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Well said! I am one of those that was very adament about not dating (for myself) in the beginning, but as time went by (at 3 years now) I knew that wasn't realistic for myself. I allowed myself time to heal, figure out who I am without my husband, who I am as an individual. Knowing that I could be fair to another without making comparisons, is when I knew that I was ready. I just turned 49 and decided that I don't want to spend my life alone, however many years that I have left. I gave myself permission to start dating this year, I have allowed myself to find joy and purpose in life again. With all of that said my feelings for my husband will never change. I remember those same feelings of resentment of seeing couples both young and old together for the same reasons that Martha mentioned. I have so many of the long time members on this site to thank for sharing their experiences of meeting someone new and being open to finding love again. I do agree that we have to be gentle in that area, because as I said I wasn't the least bit open in the first year to 2nd year about dating.
I have been on this site for pretty close to 3 years myself now and do hope that I will still be welcome here to offer hope and encouragement. Hugs Denise

I think that the smaller more specialized groups is a good idea.....for now this is my fav. though :)

Starsky and Hutch Christian Group? Wow - how long ago was that? How about a Frasier Christians who own a Schnoodle group? I love that show.

Anyway - I agree. Some people seemed to complain - but - then also some people have written comments like "how they could never date again" etc. If one person is dating it is not very supportive for someone else to write that they could never date.

I think most of us spend so much time on here that it won't make any difference to have little subgroups.

Mqould, the group was formed two years ago. Starsky and Hutch has a huge fan following. There are new stories being written everyday. I've written a lot of them myself and they're read all over the world. The Christian group broke off from the main group when Christians starting posting things with religious information in it. The main group members started fighting much like this group. People started asking was Starsky and Hutch fan group just for Christians or could anybody join. Most of us were Christians so the fight went on until the moderator stopped it. Then the Christian group was formed.

There's also a group for slash. Slash in fandom is when the two male stars start dating each other. They have their own group because some of the fans don't like what they write. Try to merge the groups and you end up with fights.

So, within Starsky and Hutch, you have two groups, but most of us still pop into the main group.

Funny how this group and our fights are similar to my fan group.