I have a similar situation. My husband and his brother every year would get together on their birthdays and have a big chicken and rib dinner. We continued doing this even after we moved 200 miles away. Their sister I don't think ever came to one--she lives 400 miles away--except for Jake's last one when I strongly urged all of his family to come.

His brother, in reaction to Jake's death, said that he no longer wanted to do the traditional dinner on his birthday. I think they may go to a restaurant now. His sister, on the other hand, has now STARTED having a chicken and rib dinner on his birthday. This just so irritates me because his birthday wasn't important enough to her to come to see him when he was alive but now it is a big deal. On top of which, I think it makes my daughter feel guilty because she thinks she should be doing that on her dad's birthday. The last two years, however, there have been conflicts and she hasn't been able to do it. My opinion of the whole thing is, if you want to honor the person who has died, do something nice for someone who is still here.

My late husband's brother told me he would never go the grave because it would be too sad. He was rude and angry at the funeral. But I guess we have to remember that siblings were part of their lives long before we even knew our spouse, and had their own relationship with them. Everyone grieves differently, and celebrates life differently, so I'm just giving the brother slack and accept his feelings and what works for him.
From another point of view: I love photos. My way of grieving for and honoring my husband was to create a happy slideshow of his life, with upbeat Elvis music. I played it at the funeral, uploaded 60 photos on his obituary website, and sent the cd to several close friends. I later found out that some people cannot stand to look at photos of the departed and do not want to be reminded of their death. So they may think I am a super awful person...But to each his own!
When my husband was alive, he told me he was angry that people didn't visit his grandfather while he was sick. But it turns out that those relatives could not deal with their strong patriarch being sick...My own son said he just hates going to the hospital to visit my aunt and can't bring himself to do it, but is happy to visit her when she is well.

Vent away . . . get it out!! :) We're here. Hope you feel a bit better! Hugs, D

One hing I've learned here and in the grief support group to which I belong is this . . .

Each person's grief is that person's unique way of dealing with loss. So even though I sometimes get puzzled by the way those around me are reacting to a loss, I pretty much give them a pass. Sure, they could've made better choices earlier on, but perhaps they realize that now and it is part of what drives their actions.

Please don't let them upset you, Maryel.

Wishing you peace . . .

I think they are visiting his grave now because they may be guilty they did not come to see him and spend quality time.

Maggie