I think it is the part of this journey. I am at 16 month and I feel the same way.
How do I live as a single person? What is the purpose of all this? Some days I feel that I am going to make it and the other times I can’t seemed to find an end of the turnnel. I am coping well enough to talk about my husband without breaking down but I still cannot listen to the love songs.
I am not sure where and how I am going to get where I am supposed to be but I have a faith that somehow we will get there..... so, in the meantime, I am living the day the fullest I can. One day at a time my friend.
Hugs..

I'm at almost 3 years and I understand the feeling you describe I do feel somewhat more settled now because I've survived this that much longer. I still miss my husband and even have moments of "I can't believe you are gone" but over this past year I've felt a bit more of a transition where I'm more at peace within myself. I still live in the moment and don't look at long range but I have a full life. I'm starting to think about having a new relationship but just engaging with another man starts setting me back so I'm not sure where I'm going with that Baby steps but eventually you find yourself moving along and getting where you are going. I guess you never stop missing them. But I still don't feel single. Don't know if or when I will feel that way. It's like we still partly live in that old life for a while. Can't say I've figured it out yet.

I think it might be the closure we never got to have. And knowing we will never fully able accept in peace. We were left alone without any consensus.... in that sense, it makes perfect sense until we can truly be in peace with ourselves, we will be in a land of lost...
There is no way the hole will be filled by any other, because every single person is that unique and one and only. But with time it will heal, and with that comes the peace and courage, we will find our way.

Kimberlina -
I echoed what Marybeth said. Like her this week will be full three years since my love passed. I remembered going into the second year I still felt I don't care if I live -- the sharp, heart-breaking grief was very occasional, and was replaced by a thick, grey cloud of melancholy. Maybe this is part of the soul-searching process still.

Into my second year, several things happened that made me seek help and try to climb out of my shell. I still miss her with all my heart, but I was nudged to get back to life. Some of it is accepting the awkward position that I am in life. Hopefully you will be able to find the call for healing too.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Each day is a learning experience. Hugs to all of you as we continue on our paths.

Hi Kim,

I'm well beyond the three year mark. And I've found that setting guidelines for those emergency type of feelings is useful. Of course, every circumstance is different. Yet it helps to be familiar with the usual warning signals, and do anticipate a ready plan of action in advance of such dreary times.

With me, for example, in the first few months of grief, I could hardly watch a love story or romantic movie without strong feelings of emotional anxiety, and these were interesting things of which I usually enjoyed while my husband was nearby me. I recall watching the movie "Ghost" (Demi Moore) and "The Goodbye Girl" (a shared favorite with him), which was torture. And I really wanted to reunite with those good romantic feelings again. With a few thoughtful adjustments, now, today, no problem watching these favorites; back to enjoyment! What I was doing to myself then was allowing emotions to threaten me. So I had to find a sure way to rescue my life from sorrowful moments. You can too! Take time to think it over. Stay calm. Know your resources; Know where it is the time to shut off sadness. Still, so much more to be said; however, you get the point. It's a large task to figure, but it helps during the times when those loose-wire feelings arise to know how to block the spinning wheels. I hope this for you, and I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

There are still other activities that cause anguish, but it's just the usual checklist type of problems. Like, which size wrench do I use during a repair project :-) Or should I seek for more flood insurance, all of which (now) have to do with the interest of my home life; not the romantic part of our shared love life though. You understand what I mean, I hope so. Keep finding strength & power in your faith. Your husband is still at the nearest point of your heart. God bless!

Wonderful insight Remiah! Very well said.

babochka, you are sweet and kind...thank you for the support as well. I usually fumble with written words while offering sympathy. But this thing with grief, I know it all too well. And if only we all had a way to use our words to instantly make this pain go away. Many hugs to you! :-) I pray for us all to get by a bit better day to day.

I am also almost at 18 month mark. I feel that I am having harder time now , even though it was hard all along. I feel lonely and like I have no purpose in life. I keep reminding myself that I should be grateful for what I have. They say it gets worse before it gets better. I hope that’s true. I hope that I can get out of this anxious, lonely, state of mind.

I am at the 20 month mark. I just got back from a 3 week vacation. I found out quickly that grief does indeed follow us wherever we go. However, I was able to see almost all my family there in the Midwest - and to reconnect with the grand kids I hadn't had any contact with in seven years! I stopped by and saw a man I used to go to church with. It was at his place of business, so everything was legit. We had a nice conversation, but I knew that we could never be more than friends. I also met a farmer who had a mail order bride skip out on him. I can't remember his name even. My trip was definitely an adventure, and it didn't go very smoothly over-all, but I was able to put some perspective into my situation. I got a $200 voucher from Southwest for a flight cancellation, so I may go back again in about six months and complete my mission. I believe I am a "seasoned" traveler now LOL. This was something I had to do to try to sort things out, and I feel better.

She, I am glad you went on this trip and sort things 3 weeks is a long time, that in itself is a major step. It is nice that you feel better and are thinking about going again.

Does anyone else feel overwhelmed by the number of decisions we now have to make alone? There are so many decisions I want another opinion on , and he isn’t here. I feel like I am not capable of making good choices alone right now. So I just am paralyzed and do nothing for weeks , before I finally do something.

One thing I learned on my trip was that you can't go back EVER to how things used to be. In small towns, there may be some things that will never change, but over-all, things and people do change. It's not always for the worse though. So what I am going to do is sit tight here for a while longer, maybe decorate my home and further down-size. I also will try to forge new friendships gradually. I do still hope for a new relationship in time, but I'm not beating the bushes. If he's not willing to be a friend first, then forget him is my policy.

I'm glad I'm not alone. I am almost at the 18 month mark and I feel the same way. I don't like being alone and I feel like I have no purpose. I break down easily. I thought I was getting better but now I don't know. It seems like a never ending battle with no end in site.