The most important thing right now is take care of you. Someone going thru this as soon as most of us are doesn't make us a negative person but a grieving person. You have to let yourself go thru the forest how ever long it takes. If someone wants to walk along with you that would be great but if they don't then you walk it alone. It you have faith then God walks it with you. Like you said it's only been six months. There are those who have been at this for years and still cry and hurt and are grieving. Only time will tell how long it takes each person to heal and even then it's learning to live with it not get over it.
I've learned that this type of love is different than other loses we have had. It has taken half of us and that's a BIG hole. I feel like my heart has been amputated with my wife not being here.
Don't be so hard on yourself, be patient and allow yourself to feel what you need to. Please take care.
Peace, Tim

Um, yeah well, here is the truth. We have all been there. I was not happy the first year after my husband died. I was a grieving, bitter, angry woman who woke up every morning, got to work, took care of my dogs and cats, tried to take care of my aging and ailing parents and heal myself a little bit. And listen, that was all I could do and it was a lot! I too was scared of being happy again and it being snatched away from me. It is normal to the grieving process and it takes a while to get over.

Eventually, I decided being happy was worth the loss risk, but it took me time to realize that and I had to work, really work , through the grief first. Be easy and patient with yourself, give yourself time to grieve and mourn. Eventually you start to reach for happy again. Just takes awhile. You are doing good.

Hugs,
Val

I was afraid of losing happy too. It's why I hibernated. You are braver than I was in forming a friendship with someone, but that friend must be supported and understanding of your loss and grief. If he's not he isn't helping you. He's hurting you, probably not intentionally, but nevertheless he is. Good people can be toxic through their own ignorance. He can't understand. How could he? Now is the time to take care of you and work through the emotions of loss. Sharon

Well said Val. I find that I am the one pushing me the hardest to not be negative, to be happy again. I'm scared though that one day I will break down because I rushed myself through the grieving process too fast. But I can't seem to stop. I feel betrayed because he promised that he would never leave me. And now he's gone and he's not coming back.

You know what? Watching someone you love die is horrific. It's an emotional and mental trauma, and it takes time to even come to grips with it. Six months is barely enough time to get out of the fog and shock, much less have it all together. At six months I think I went from homicidal to suicidal frequently. And back.

Reading these posts is absolutely amazing to me.

I am often surrounded by people at work and other places
and many of them are family, " friends " and neighbors I
have known for many years.

For some reason, it seems all of them are under the false
impression that I have access to some type of magic button
or switch and since it has been X months ( now 8 months ),
I should be able to declare the " grief process " has been
completed and I should be able to announce I have the loss
of my wife behind me. Some of them actually act that way.

They just don't get it. I can't blame them as they have
absolutely no idea of what I am experiencing. Almost all of
them still have husbands or wives or they have never been
married or in a committed relationship. They simply don't
have a clue as to what I am experiencing.

I am amazed with these posts as every person that has
commented fully understands what is going through my
tired brain and my broken heart.

To paraphrase Tim, we are not " negative people ". We
are " grieving people ". We are filled to the brim with a
huge mixture of being lost, pain, confusion, loneliness
for the one we lost, some fear and a long list of other
emotions. We don't think straight half the time and we
are worried about what the future brings without our
loved ones.

WE ARE THE ONES that are going to have to suffer
through the birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and all
of the non-stop triggers we encounter with places,
music, food and almost everything else. Those that
want us to " get over it " don't have one damn trigger
to deal with along the way. We are creatures of habit
and we intensely shared a life with someone we
dared to love deeply and someone that we have lost
and we are still exposed to the same supermarkets,
restaurants, foods, television programs, music, etc.,
that we enjoyed as a couple. The triggers are like
land mines but our " friends ", family and others don't
see it that way.

I was shocked in the early stages when people were
suddenly busy or otherwise unavailable or more or less
made it obvious they didn't want to hear any more of my
" story ". I have learned to accept it but I have also learned
from it. I realize I did the same thing to some people in
years past because I didn't have the slightest idea what
grief was about. Now, I know and it is the most horrific
thing I have experienced in my life.

So, if someone is upset or disturbed that I am not " over
my grief " or I am not " happy ", so be it.

To be honest, I am not worried about being happy in the
future. I am too lost in a fog of constantly missing my wife
every minute of the day. I am not turning away from the
pain and everything else that goes with it. I am going to
continue through this darkness minute by minute, hour by
hour and day by day at my own pace until I see a light
somewhere. My faith leads me to firmly believe I shall
gradually heal ( at least partially ) to the point I can
function as a human being again.

A widow recently told me it is like making a cake. She
said worry about baking the layers of the cake and
having them all even and put together right the icing can
be added later at the appropriate time. That didn't make
sense to me initially but I have thought about it and I
think I now understand.

Hopefully, I shall know in the future when it is time for me
to be " happy " again. I know I shall never have the
happiness I enjoyed with my wife for 30+ years but
perhaps I shall experience what passes for being " happy"
at some point in remaining years on the planet earth.

Blessings to all -

Darrell in Texas

Six months is still real early in your grief. You must give yourself time. I am at just over 3 years and I realized I was afraid of happy, afraid to loose it again. Then I thought about how improbable the relationship I had with my husband was and how at that time against all odds I had taken a leap of faith that our relationship would work out..and it did. My feeling is that if I close my heart to any loving relationship then I have dishonored the love Don gave me. That probably sounds weird but I believe Don was in my life for a reason, to teach me what love really is. If I never share that gift then I am letting those lessons die with him. There is one thing I know, Don was a great man and the world is much worse off without him. I wish I could show the world how wonderful he was but in reality the only way I can show him to the world is to express the love he gave to me.

I haven't even lived up to my own expectations of how I thought I could handle this grief. I was clueless before being completely immersed in it.
Surely none of us can meet other peoples' expectations- people who have never been through this at all! They are utterly clueless.

I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to people, the uncomfortable makes them, well, stupid. You know what I would like? Someone to just give me a huge, long hug, let me cry, and tell me that they are there whenever I need. I have one friend, ONE, who would do that for me if she didn't live five hours away. I get that friends don't grieve the way I do, or we all do, having lost a spouse. But it seems there is almost no compassion. I don't want to be the center of attention. I am not trying to get the focus on me. But dammit, I would like some kind of support.

I still fight this too. If I get happy, I remembered all that has happened and it damps it down on me. I think it's a normal part of the process as long as you don't get bogged down in it. At my physical this year I mentioned it to my PCP and she agreed. Keep moving forward and keep posting. Writing is so cathartic, between mainly my journal and then here as well - I really try to release and sort out all of that swirl/tornado of emotions we work through

Your friend does not understand and don't feel guilty. You are grieving and it takes time.

Thinking more on this...

When I am happy it's a letdown when I remember why I'm not. It hits hard.

I feel guilty for being happy. How can I be without him? How dare I find happy when my husband is dead?