I think human beings need to be touched, and held, and to simply have the closeness and proximity of someone special. We seem to be hard-wired that way. I slept clutching Cliff's pillow tightly for a long time, trying to recapture that feeling of him close. But eventually I knew, as you do now, that it isn't realistic, just a bittersweet dream. It's hard to let go of that comfort of nearness. We had an imperfect marriage but a perfect friendship, and simple companionship and nearness was a hard thing to lose. I won't give you any platitudes about this, I don't think I need to - you have found your spiritual truths about being together again one day. I just hope that you will find the strength to allow yourself to be loved again while you're still here. Every photo I've seen of Tom he was smiling and happy - I get the impression that happiness was a big part of who he was. I sense that he would want you to be happy now and not continue to be in so much pain. I think at some point each of us has to decide, consciously decide, that we will do our best to be happy. If we can manage to do that, to be open to the idea of happiness, then happiness and companionship will find us. If we keep the door closed, nothing gets in. It's a hard decision. But what is the alternative decision? It's an emotional Catch-22 - to be happy we have to let go of the pain of the memory of our past happiness. That ain't easy, and I do understand the dilemma. I don't know if any of this helps, but I wanted to let you know that I do hear you and I do understand. Love and Hugs, Martha

I think we all struggle with this. My father passed away when I was 16 and I have trouble visualizing his face. I am afraid that this will happen with John. I am glad that I have some video of him as I think this will help.

I agree with cliffscat. We need to keep the door to happiness open hard as that is sometimes.

I understand what you are saying. At some point during the past year, I also lost that sense of my husband's physical closeness, but it was replaced by a stronger sense of his spiritual presence in my heart. It's hard to explain, but it is comforting though it is different. I think Martha expains it so well, about having to let go in order to be happy again. At the end of one year I have achieved peace, but still working on the happiness part. This all takes so much longer than we all want it to! I guess we all just have to keep moving forward because we cannot go back. I hope you will begin to feel a little bit better soon. laurabp

Thank you for your responses! They have helped me to learn that others understand the fear of losing the physical memory a partner.

Yes, he is in spirit and I sense him regularly. As hard as it is, I eventually have to accept his passing and embrace the new relationship with him in spirit and me still here.

Only those who've lost a spouse or partner know of creating a new relationship that is spiritual, rather than physical.

We all are forced to find another someone special, if that's possible, to help fulfill that physical closeness and companionship that we need to be happy.