Hi Joe -

I was offered anti-depressants and refused them. I have
been exposed to several situations over the years where
family and friends took anti-depressants to deal mainly
with grief. In a coupe of cases, they became totally
dependent. In other cases in my wife's family, they
functioned somewhat like zombies. When they gave up
the anti-depressants, the loss was still there and they
still had to deal with it one way or another.

I think it is an individual decision as anti-depressants
impact each of us different. Some will disagree with me
and that's OK.

I am now approaching 8 months since my wife left and
the pain is still very intense ( almost raw ) at times but
I also know I have to " deal " with it one way or another.

Initially, I too was embarrassed about breaking down
when someone brought up the death of my wife. But,
then I reached a point around the end of the first month
where I didn't care any longer if I broke down in front of
people. She was my wife and we loved each other with
everything we had. It is a loss that I shall feel until I draw
my last breath on this earth. I am only at 8 month but I
know myself. I shall never fully recover from her death
and it is going to be a wound that never heals. If anyone
is uncomfortable with me breaking down, they will just
have to deal with it.

I know I am depressed but I am determined to fight my
way out of it minute by minute and hour by hour and
day by day. I don't worry about tomorrow or next week
or next month or next year. I just want to make it through
today. I talk to her frequently and shed a lot of tears. I
have no history of crying about anything in my life. But
shedding tears over her helps me as I think about our
life together and how fortunate I was for 30+ years. I
was a very fortunate man and I am extremely thankful
an grateful we found each other. I'll have to survive on
the memories and the photos and the tears but it is still
better than having had lived the last 30+ years without
her.

Hang in there, my friend.

Darrell from Texas

Oh Joe! My heart goes out to you.I do know that the loss we experience when we lose half of ourselves we have such great pain. I had never understood the depth and validity of the phrase "better half." But now I do.

The first 3-4 months I operated in acdaze. Would not leave my house and had the essential groceries delivered. I couldn't sleep and had absolutely no interest in anything. I just didn't care. Then i found this site and the wonderful people that, through their stories, showed me there was hope that I would someday regain a life.
I am a stubborn old gal and decided if others could go on and live a full life without their loved ones, I could too.

It has not been easy. But with the friendship of this cummunity i can now see further than one step ahead. I hope hope. Please keep pouring your pain out to us here at DS WW. I pray that you can find solace and some peace. Your posts help us Walt our paths. {{{ Hugs }}} ~ Bailey ~

Joe-

I am so much like you. I don't even like taking aspirin unless I absolutely have to do so.

But that first week after Bernie passed, I couldn't function. I wasn't sleeping or eating and I couldn't think straight. My friends and family talked me into making an appointment with my primary care provider. I went in and he prescribed the lowest dose of Xanax available three times a day. It put me right to sleep. Instead of taking it three times a day, I took it once, at bedtime, and though I was still only able to sleep for four solid hours- it was enough that I was able to go back to work.

I don't take it every night anymore. In fact, I haven't taken it at all for about a month. But it is still in my medicine cabinet. I think i will probably be taking it tonight- I've had a bad day too.

You are going through one of the hardest blows your ever going to face. If you need an anti-depressant to help you through it- I think you should try it. If you don't like it- you can always stop taking it.

Being strong is one thing- and I understand wanting to feel like you can make it through this without the aid of medications. But, at least for me, I will give up the desire to have a Herculian type mental strength if it will help me find even a smidgen of light at the end of this tunnel of grief.

Hoping you find the right answer for you!

Joe, Like you, I had times of breaking down, especially with total strangers or doctors, yet I put on a facade to family and friends, which I do not know why. So, I hold a lot inI have and will refuse any anti-depressants as I feel strongly I must face this roller coaster trip. I am first afraid of getting dependent and also wonder if and when I get off the feelings of depression will still be there. At almost a year it has subsided although I still have my dark moments but I get thru them and I know that is and will make me strongerJust got to face the monster

Joe after my mom died, my dad became depressed, after 9 months, I suggested it to him. So he went, then after about 8 more months he was much bettter, and stopped the medicine, because he was feeling bettter. It's ok to get a bit of help, to help take the edge offf and/or get over that hump. Don't feel bad or less of a person, because you need a little medicine until you can push forward and feel a bit more peaceful. Much love and hugs carla

Hi Joe, last time I went to my doctor about a month and a half ago, I was slipping back into my depression marked by cognitive impairment -- simply stated, I could not think. Most frightening place I'd ever been in my life. And as I tried to explain to him how devastating my previous inability to think was for me and my fear that I was returning to that place again, I began to cry. Never ever did that in my life -- I'm an attorney for crying out loud. Just the facts. But I began to spiill my guts. He being a doctor, I hit home with him when I told him how important our ability to think is in both our professions. Well, then I told him how I fell asleep at the wheel driving home at Christmas and woke up going 70 mph in the middle ditch between the dual lanes on the interstate. God's traveling mercies were with me, thanks be to God, and I had neither incident nor accident. So when asked how much sleep I had been getting, I told him about 3 hours a night since my wife died (I was at about 9 or 10 months at the time). Well, since October I had been on the lowest dose of the antidepressant Zoloft (50 mg), and he doubled that to 100 mg (the medium dose). And then he prescribed what he told me was a non-habit forming sleep aid, Trazodone, 1 or 2 50 mg tablets at bedtime. I take 2. Turns out the Trazodone is also an anti-depressant but it makes you very drowsy. The pharmacist warned me that I will build up a tolerance over time to it, but for the past month and a half, I've been getting at least 6 hours of sleep with some days of not wanting to get out of bed but keep sleeping (previously normal behavior for me). And between the higher dose of Zoloft and the Trazodone, my mental functioning has been steadily improving. I do not feel drugged, or zombied out, and my emotions definitely are not numbed. I am functioning again and able to do what I am getting paid to do. Not my former self by any means, but I'm clicking again. Every day is a little better for me.

As for trying to work through your depression, I disagree. I tried that for 5 months and it nearly cost me my job and more importantly, my sanity. We need to work through our grief, but not our depression. There is a difference between the two, but difficult to distinguish. One is an emotional issue, the other a medical issue. Depression, simply put, is a chemical imbalance in our brain brought onto us by severe trauma, grief and/or lack of sleep, as well as other influences like alcohol or drug use. It was 18 years ago, that my wife and I lost our home in a landslide, we had no landslide insurance, and ended up having to file bankruptcy. That is also when I quit drinking. Between all those things, I had my first bout of depression. I have no idea what they had me on, but the effect of whatever that anti-depressant was on me was very different than the meds I am taking now. Back then, I was zombied out, my emotions were flat-lined, and I did not care for it at all. So I stopped the medication on my own and just allowed God to deliver me. It worked for me back then.

But now, this has been far different and far more severe. Matter of fact, this depression was so different from my diagnosis before, that I failed to see it for what it was -- I only recognized what I was going through as grief, way worse than depression. Boy, my self-diagnosis nearly did me in. This go around, my faith is way stronger than 18 years ago, I now walk in relationship with God, and I am solid in my faith. Although I'm on sabbatical and no longer attend any church, my faith remains intact and unshakable. But what I know is that my faith was not strong enough to pull me out of the deep depression I found myself in. Had I let my pride and in-the-ditch belief to take no medicine continue on, I have no doubt that at best I would be unemployed, and at worst, dead. My depression was that bad. So my meds have been a huge help in allowing me to piece myself and my life together from the pile of rubble I found myself in. And so you know, I will wean myself off these meds when I feel I am strong enough to do so. This is not a long-term thing for me, but a stopgap measure. This is about my survival.

So Joe, my advice to you is listen to your doctors. They are the professionals. They are human and they can screw up just like all of us do, but at least they've got the training that we don't have. Listen to them. They got no dog in the fight. They are just trying to help you. Try it, and if you don't like it, have them try something else again and again until you find what works for you. Everybody is different. I got lucky and the doctor found the combination that was right for me. But that wouldn't have happened had I been able to contain my tears when I met with my doctor and not opened up completely to him. These feelings we can't allow to fester inside of us -- we've got to release them, and just keep releasing them, like a pressure cooker, either the steam releases or an explosion occurs. But one way or the other, the pressure will be released. I think it is far better to let the steam out a little at a time. But that requires us to get over our macho manhood brainwashing which in this grief is actually a huge detriment to us. And really Joe. who cares? For us, this is about survival, not appearance. Simple as that.

God bless you and comfort you in this your time of need. ~~~ Scottie

Hey Joe,
I have verified that it's true, real men do cry. Actually in this case I know one that literally bawls like a baby when it hits at the right time. Don't be embarrassed about that. It shows outwardly just how much your wife touched your heart and soul and still does. We are all here on this earth to comfort one another when needed. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. At least it does here tho.
I was taking medications about this time last year to deal with panic attacks. But only took the minimum I needed. Stopped as soon as I felt like I could handle it. Since Linda passed I haven't taken anything. A little nervous to, living alone. But if you decide to please ask questions always. Pain killers were directly at fault in my wife's case so I am biased on certain things right now. Just be careful what they give you. Take care.
Peace, Tim