I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having problems sleeping. I have found that we need sleep as much as food or air for us to be ok especially in these times full of grief. It's interesting how each of us experience the grief process. I have learned so much from the wonderful people here. I first had the feelings you do when my wife passed a little over 2 months ago. My wife died of complications to her chemo for breast cancer. She had lost all her hair and had bought a wig. The day she went into the hospital she decided to not take it and left it on a stand on her bedside table where it sits today. I look at it and remember her wearing it. I look at her makeup on the bathroom sink and remember her. I look at her favorite things and remember her. I never want to forget her. I guess that's why I never have put things away or disposed of anything. I have given some jewelry to family and close friends but everything else is still where she left it.

Each of us are different and you just have to do what's right for you. I do hope you are able to get some sleep and rest, you deserve it and need it to survive.

Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I want you to know what you are going through is not unusual. After Cliff died, I slept with every light in the house on. My electrical bill was huge, but it was the only way I could sleep, and even then it was only for a couple of hours at a time. I did better on the couch, falling asleep in front of the tv. Cliff died in our bed, so sleeping in our bed and our room was very difficult. Eventually, I changed out all the linens, the lamps, the artwork, etc., so it didn't look like "our room" and then I was finally able to sleep in there.

Cliff and I were together a long time, so everything in the house was a reminder of him. Everything from furniture to coffee cups were purchased with a joint decision and carried some kind of memory. By changing one room - the bedroom - I gave myself a respite from the pain of the memories. My grief went with me wherever I was, but somehow having one piece of space without the physical reminders of my loss staring me in the face made it a little easier. I couldn't do big changes elsewhere in the house - my kids would have not handled that well - but the bedroom was a good place to start for me.

We are so accustomed to seeing our spouses in our "landscape" so to speak, so we expect them there subconsciously even when we are distracted by other things. It doesn't feel right. I am not saying making these small changes will fix that feeling entirely - that would be ridiculous - but I found that having a new and different looking space within the rest of the familiar gave me a retreat and helped me to get some rest and survive.

For all of Cliff's small, personal items that I knew I would want to save for our sons, I purchased a pretty tapestry storage box (from Target of all places) to keep those things in. Items like his glasses, watches, wallet, guitar picks, knick-knacks and his groovy sunglasses collection and such all went into the box. Eventually things like his poetry and our love letters went in there, too. This made it a little easier on me and my sons and kept everything safe until we were strong enough to go through them.

There is no right or wrong about how you handle it, only what is right or wrong for you. But there is no shame in needing some rest and doing what you have to do to survive.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I'm sorry for your loss. Sleep or lack thereof seems to be a common thing with so many of us here. I seem to be able to go to sleep (total emotional exhaustion), but only sleep for a few hours at a time. There is that brief moment when I wake up and try not to disturb my wife and then realize that she is not there and the emotions start flowing again.

I keep reading most of the new posts here looking for answers and feel great comfort that we are not alone in our struggles. We do all handle grief differently and that is normal.

I do hope you will find peace and sleep better, without the light or tv on.

Take care of yourself.

My wife past away in her sleep in our bed while we were sleeping in our bed .i woke up and found her past. Since then I tried for 3 months to sleep there ..I have lost so much weight and aged bad ,have been sick from lack of sleep and almost lost my job...I have 3 young girls 12,10,and 5. I was getting mad at them and ignoring there needs and walking around aimlessly....I was sleeping or should I say passing out on the couch or in one of the girls rooms watching them sleep. One day I took everything out of the room and now it is empty . It still didn't help. Now I talk to the girls before they go to bed every night then go on line vent a little or just punch something ..started to eat better and move around move ......it harder to hit a moving target and it help you sleep a little better.....I get 3 hr s straight now now and dose off for another 1 and a half sometimes but better than before up for 36 or 48 hrs straight i...it's been 4 months now .....is it better no but I am feeling physical better and still sleeping in the girls rooms or on the couch....I tried on the floor with the dog but his breath stinks ...lol....hang in there and maybe talking more about the good times to close friends will help or changing your routine....

Hi always, so sorry you are having a hard time sleeping. Nites were bad for me as well. Finally it was my nutritionist doctor who said I should turn the room around. So I painted the room with help, then I later threw out the big brass headboard, the triple dresser and got a Queen size bed frame and new mattress. It is better. Some nites I just can't sleep just because. But it is totally better. Hope you will be able to sleep soon. It does take time.

I suffered from being unable to sleep also. I would see him in his hospital bed in our room months after he passed. Finally I knew it would never change unless I changed it.

We had sold our home two years before Don died and moved into an apartment in a home we also owned. I moved "my bedroom" into what was our livingroom. Repainted by my nephew and decorated with new linens and curtains. I gave our livingroom furniture to my daughter and son-in-law and was much more able to sleep. After about a year my son-in-law rebuilt our bedroom into a beautiful livingroom with an arch going to the dinningroom. New furniture made this place truly mine. I still miss him, but have a sense of pride in my own identy.

It worked for me better than I imagined. Sharon

I had a really hard time sleeping too for a long time. I would wake up and look over to the empty side of the bed and lay there awake thinking. It was so so hard for a really long time. I at first had every light on and either the tv or the radio all night long. Sleeping only a few hours at a time is pretty normal for a lot of people due to the fact that your world has been turned upside down and your body is on high alert. It is like the flight or fight response non stop so when you wake up, you are ready to take action...except there is no action to take because nothing that you can do will change your reality. I eventually took people's advice here and did a few things to my bed.

I got a comfortable bed cover, a body pillow, new (really good and soft) sheets, and about five books.....about loss, grief, or other things that awknowledged how I felt and when I woke up, I would (instead of getting mad, either write in my journal or read for awhile), then I would go back to sleep. When I would read at first I could only handle a sentence or two because my mind could not process. That too was part of grief...

I started seeing this as normal and little by little I started to sleep a little longer in between waking up.

I also accepted ALL of my feelings and tears as normal. I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me for feeling so much like my life was over....and hung on to the fact that others that had been through it said that some day it would not be as unbearable. I held on to that for dear life....

The books that I have read over the years have changed. I am now over three and a half years. It will get easier, but for not please know that what you are going through is grief.

Please force yourself to take care of yourself. It IS possible to die of a broken heart so you need to force yourself to eat...even if it is small amounts....sleep when you can...exercise when it is possible...even if it is only short distances to keep your heart and lungs working.

Grief work is exactly that...it is work and is very harsh on your body...not only your mind. So be especially kind to yourself....okay...and come here often..

big (((((hugs))))) to all of you that are early on....
-Diana

Thank you all so much for listening to my rants & for all the kind & compassionate words of understanding & suggestions to help me thru these what seem to be endless nights, I do however feel a little guilty about my complaints when I read other peoples stories & realize how much worse things could be, I cant even imagine how much harder this would be to go through if I had young children to care for, my heart goes out to those who do & for those of you that are going this horrible grief without anyone to lean on for help, god bless you. Ds has been such a comfort to me, I first found Ds when my husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 2 yrs ago & its actually someone in that support group that suggested I may find some comfort in the widow/widower support group & they were so right! All of you have been so wonderful & you all give me hope that someday the dark cloud of grief will begin to lift & I will begin to see some sunshine again, so thanks for that.

Redecorate and see how different you can make your room. It is a really nice experience and there is no disloyalty involved. It will be good for you. Put hubby's things in boxes and don't rush to get rid of anything - you will know if and when you want to do that, Changes of colour and rearrangement of furniture can make the world of difference.
You might think I am odd, but I found a beautiful house and garden picture for my partner - superimposed her photo and look at it to imagine that that is HER new home - one which I will eventually share again....Strangely, it made me happier.

I dreaded bedtime, but like the night. It really sucked cuz I have 2 young kids, but night (at the beginning) was kinda peaceful. It was quiet. I knew the whole world was sleeping and time seemed to stop, which is what I wanted soooo bad. The birds starting to chirp again was the painful part, and knowing that I would be tired the next day...oh...I also, and still do, search for him in the night. But I realized pretty soon on that he was not a ghost. Sometimes I wish he were, but am so glad he's not. I miss my love :(

I wondered the same. Eventually bedtime and sleep in "our" bed became a comfortable routine again.

Now I don't want to get out when the alarm goes off!