Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
5 months. Bad habits are bad habits.. I'm trying so hard to take care of myself and my daughter. I've discovered that I'm really hard on myself. So much used to get done and so much life occurred in this house, when there were 5 people living here. In less than 1 year my sons moved out and my husband died. Now, its just the two of us. its quiet, we share chores and yard work. With less income, we have fewer activities. I started drinking at night at the encouragement of others. Have a glass of wine. Have another. Here's a bottle. I used to really care for myself. I used to love my body, love me and detest the notion of taking pills or medications unless I absolutely had to. I tell myself that I'm still that way, but in reality, I'm self medicating. A full bottle of wine at night is not healthy. So, did I change that much with his death that I don't value a clear mind or a healthy body? Initially, I allowed myself because it helped me cope. Now, I wonder if I'm an alcoholic. I don't drink during the day. And I don't drink every night. But, if I bring home a bottle of wine, once opened, I'm going to finish it.
It lowers our inhibitions, sometimes it's just for the next glass until the bottle is gone.
Everyone copes different, but for me that can't be it.
BTW I come from a family that are users and abusers of it, I seen too much of the destruction on the extreme end.
I can only sleep when at the point of when I am exhausted. If that means going to bed at 3 am and getting up at 8 am, then so be it. At least I am getting five hours sleep without waking up and slowly coming down off medication that had bad side affects with me.
The glass of wine idea was also mentioned to me. It does work for some, but I was weary about it going from a glass to more and so on just like you mentioned. Like yourself, I didn't want to go that route, and I know you can get out of that routine.
I did find one thing that helped me sleep a little better was reintroducing exercises back into my daily activities. I do them at home, simple, no expensive equipment needed at all. Started at 5 minutes and now I am back to my regular 20 minutes per day. I don't like to do more than that, I am not doing it for anything other than to keep my body active, and exercising encourages you to think about eating healthier and it does help produce some form of confidence.
Like you I have so thought about wine at night b/c everyone else I know including just single people think that's fine. So like you if I opened a bottle I was going to finish it. Well I did that twice and decided that wasn't how I wanted to cope. I want to feel all of the emotions and not use a crutch.
I am at a little over nine months, I exercise and walk at least four times a week. My biggest comfort food is tea?
Wish you the very best this is the hardest journey any of us have ever taken in life but eventually we will all make it to the other side.
You still care about yourself otherwise you wouldn't be asking.
Like Jewell I've seen so many destroyed by alcoholism, my father and brother included I don't want to do that
I know that after my husband died I enjoyed a glass of Bailey's in the afternoon. If I didn't have a glass it was okay. I switched to Pepsi or a cup of coffee. It wasn't the Baileys, it was the relaxing I craved. Could this be true for you?
Since you have questioned it, and appear concerned, I would switch to another beverage that's non-achoholic. I believe the first year and beyond we try to get away from the emotions and pain anyway we can. People go shopping, move to different homes, eat excessively, or not at all just to cover up their feelings of loss. I'm sure you have heard you can't go around grief, you must go through it. It sounds confusing but it's true.
The loss is real and so are the feelings we struggle with. Getting through it means struggling, crying, anger, denial, and finally acceptance. I hated acceptance. It seemed like I was suppose to forget him and move on, hated that phrase too.
Acceptance means knowing he's gone and it is the end of the life you had. Not denying your love or your life, but to enjoy the memory with joy and thankful feelings. At the same time, it is building a new you. A complete person ready to live however you decide into the future.
It can't be done in 5 months or even in a year. I am still struggling with myself past, present, and future. That's living. There will always be a part of you that mourns, but the part of you that lives will prevail.
Sorry for the long length of this. Perhaps writing it reinforces it to me too. Big hug to you, my friend. Sharon
I think we are having this problem of neglecting ourselves because we took care of our husbands and ourselves as a couple. I know my identity has changed and I'm still finding myself.
Hang in there we will make it through this.
Some of those bottles of wine are r than you think anyway! I think the fact that your even asking this question indicates your OK.
Hang in there, we all need each other!
best wishes, Russ