Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I was looking forward to xmas break - off of work for 2 weeks - decorating the house - hoping the kids would be happy about the new TV I was going to get - then - what a disaster. Flat tires with no spare at midnight - alone - car accident in one car - engine destroyed in another - both showers/baths - now not usable - fights with the kids the the point I wanted to completely call off xmas and drive away forever. And did they like the TV? - not really - but they're barely home -what a disappointment.
But - I was looking forward to a New Years Day Party I have been attending every year for 25 years - my husband's good friend and my daughter's Godparents. Warm place with lots of decorations - some people I only see once a year - or every few years - lots of food - good drinks - warm - relaxing atmosphere.
So - the two kids and I arrive, park and get out. See an old friend who also just arrived and he begins to talk a mile a minute before I'm even out of the car - he's getting a divorce, hates his wife - mother is dying - tons of problems with 16 year old daughter - health problems of his own - his life is a disaster.
We arrive in the apartment and I see my daughter's Godfather upstairs and hear him say something about someone possibly having a heart attack. I go to check on my car again (parking in city) and realize it is his wife (50 years old). Paramedics arrive and they both take off in an ambulance and the hosts are now gone. (She is ok)
I sit down and hear someone mention one man who always comes who cannot - with weight and health problems he can no longer make it up the stairs. My friend mentions she just heard that day a good friend was diagnosed with bone cancer while another talks of someone who just had a stroke. I get up to go into the bathroom and pass by two men and hear one say he had just been diagnosed with Crohn's disease.
I see only one friend I know well and her husband who says, "other than your husband dying, what else is going on in your life?" - which seems like an odd way to begin a conversation.
I think back on all the years I've been to these parties. I'm only in my 50's but I think - is this what my life has to offer now? So different from the lighthearted fun we had when we were younger. I expected to be enjoying these parties for years... All around me all I see is people with health and money problems - Guess I didn't expect this so soon..... Is this unique? These people are all my age----so many with health -and personal problems now...
But - I was looking forward to a New Years Day Party I have been attending every year for 25 years - my husband's good friend and my daughter's Godparents. Warm place with lots of decorations - some people I only see once a year - or every few years - lots of food - good drinks - warm - relaxing atmosphere.
So - the two kids and I arrive, park and get out. See an old friend who also just arrived and he begins to talk a mile a minute before I'm even out of the car - he's getting a divorce, hates his wife - mother is dying - tons of problems with 16 year old daughter - health problems of his own - his life is a disaster.
We arrive in the apartment and I see my daughter's Godfather upstairs and hear him say something about someone possibly having a heart attack. I go to check on my car again (parking in city) and realize it is his wife (50 years old). Paramedics arrive and they both take off in an ambulance and the hosts are now gone. (She is ok)
I sit down and hear someone mention one man who always comes who cannot - with weight and health problems he can no longer make it up the stairs. My friend mentions she just heard that day a good friend was diagnosed with bone cancer while another talks of someone who just had a stroke. I get up to go into the bathroom and pass by two men and hear one say he had just been diagnosed with Crohn's disease.
I see only one friend I know well and her husband who says, "other than your husband dying, what else is going on in your life?" - which seems like an odd way to begin a conversation.
I think back on all the years I've been to these parties. I'm only in my 50's but I think - is this what my life has to offer now? So different from the lighthearted fun we had when we were younger. I expected to be enjoying these parties for years... All around me all I see is people with health and money problems - Guess I didn't expect this so soon..... Is this unique? These people are all my age----so many with health -and personal problems now...
I don't mean to be flippant- but it just sounds like the most bizarre sequence of events.
To answer your question - is this what we can expect - perhaps it is - especially when the experts say that the human body was only designed to reach around 30. I was actually diagnosed with crohn's disease at 51 ( I am now 54)- and when talking to my brother in law about this his comment was Deb- any day after 50 is a bonus.( He is actually a psychologist and I think this comment was meant to be supportive)
I look around my group of friends - and many of them have health issues of some kind emerging- but are generally dealing with them and still enjoying their lives.
If my group of 15 very closest friends is anything to go by - being over 50 is a worry. Of these friends - one has just gone through the ravages of breast cancer, another has mesothelioma, one had 5 coronary bypasses done a few years ago and more recently a hip replacement ( he is only 56 and a health nut), one just had a growth removed from her thyroid( thankfully benign, one of them died soon after my husband from a clot that travelled to his lung- and the wife of that man had a heart attack at 53. Throw in my diagnosis of crohns and my husband's death- I am sorry to say that what you experienced at your party might be a hint of things to come. All of the people I have mentioned above are in their 50s - with the exception of my husband who was 60 at diagnosis and died at 61.
I am not trying to be pessimistic - just highlighting the importance of doing what what you want - and what is important to you because there are no guarantees that there will be tomorrows.
I am sorry though that this revelation had to happen at this time.
Hugs
Debbie
It does seem that we are at that age where everyone around us is sick or dying or both...and they seem to want to talk about it, don't they?
It is perplexing..I say stay home and talk to the cats..and go online to DS...just saying :)
Happy New Year! jules
The best thing to do is develop a sense of humor about it. Life is precious no matter what the age.
My grief is the worst that has happened to me, and I am taking baby steps.
Either that or it would help them understand why us gray hairs are a little grumpy sometimes.
Holly
Doye