Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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carlycroch 06/15/2015

I just joined this group today in hopes to start the healing process. Last summer my husband and I found new love after some marital difficulties, the kids truly enjoyed being a family again and we made lots of plans for the future. In September after complaining of stomach aches for awhile we finally got the horrible news that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He wanted to fight and we continued to mend our brokeness. On New Year's Eve they brought him home for hospice care and he died on January 4th surrounded by our children, siblings, and our priest.

My world was a flurry of busy trying to comfort our three children, prepare for our oldest daughters Senior year activities as well as manage the Senior class at my high school, and handle all of the finances so there wasn't time to grieve. Two weeks ago graduations were over and as I dropped our two youngest kids off to school I saw a dad kissing his kids...the tears started to flow and by the time I got to my school I was such a mess they sent me home. I haven't completely stopped crying, I miss him so much and having lost my father at an early age I know first hand the pain our children are suffering. Father's Day approaching is horrible and I am also facing the pain of our upcoming 20th anniversary on the 24. We had picked out new rings and planned on renewing our vows.

I'm not sure how to move forward but I know I can't stay in this place of so much pain.

bookdragon 06/15/2015

I am so sorry for your loss. Watching the centre of your life die of cancer is horrible. My husband passed away in January as well and it is so difficult this treading water. I have no words of wisdom for you just know that we are there right along side of you, walking this same path. big hug- Pta

deleted_user 06/15/2015

Oh! Carly, I'm so very sorry that you find yourself here.

It will be 26 months for me and I must tell you the pain of some of what you said made me tear and I felt your emotional journey.

Carly, it's so difficult I won't pretend it's not. But, that said, the pain strikes and hurts then seems to go away quicker and quicker, allowing me to live through it easier than in the beginning. Although, the fog that layered the early stages was exactly what I needed then. Now, I can talk and think and even smile a little easier.

The journey that you'll be going on in the upcoming months will be like a roller coaster ride. Please hang on and know that you have lots and lots of friends here to hang on with you.

Your children and grandchildren need to know that their mom and granny will be okay, she's hurting and feeling very sad and needs their love like she always did, just a little more now.

My arms are around you,
Roz

ptorres 06/15/2015

Carly, I too am fairly new to this site. I lost my beautiful wife of 20 years suddenly 121 days ago. I am so sorry you are going through this pain and I have found comfort in talking to people who only know how we feel. I understand at the very least it will take some time to even feel some relief. I don't feel so much like a zombie but still have waves of uncontrollable weeping and mood swings. I am sending prayers and positive vibes your way, hang in there. -Pete

dschwartz 06/15/2015

Carly . . my deepest condolences and sympathy to you and your family. Grief is a wicked roller coaster ride of emotions. Unfortunately, we cannot move around the pain and grief work, but rather move through it . . day by day. Eventually time will help ease the rawest of pain you are feeling now in early grief. So sorry you had to find us and yet so glad you did. We are a wonderful family of shattered souls dealing with our respective grief journeys. Many have travailed before us and will share their positive healing process, many of us are walking beside you, experiencing exactly what you are . . and there will be those that follow us on this path. Just know that you are not alone and you've come to the right place for support. Please feel free to share, vent, read and comment, as all is cathartic for healing. We welcome you with open arms and hugs to you our friend. xo, Dayna

memom421 06/15/2015

Carly....my heart goes out to you & your children. The only way to move forward is one step at a time and moment by moment. You don't want to deprive yourself of the grieving process as it will bring healing. I have found the first year to be the hardest as it is all of the 'firsts' without your loved one. I try to find the ray of sunshine and when reading your story I am praising God that you & your husband "found new love and made plans for the future." I don't even want to think of your loss if the two of you had not found that love. This was a great gift to your husband and your children. Like "dschwartz" said, "it is still early & the pain still raw." Sorry that I can't offer any secret formula to erase the pain. I see the pain as an indicator of great love. I pray that soon you will be able to remember the good with a smile on your face. You have done a miraculous job carrying on for your children & making wonderful memories for your daughter of her senior year in high school. I'm praying for continued strength & courage for all of you. Hugs~
memom421

wendimac 06/15/2015

Hi Carly
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's unfair. My husband passed March 19 of this year, and I still feel as bad as I did when I first got the news. Worse, actually. We were together 21 1/2 years, and our 20 year wedding anniversary would have been at the end of October. He had cancer, but died of end stage liver disease. We didn't realize how sick he really was until 2 months before he was gone.
Again,I'm sorry for your loss, I know how painful it is. This site has been really helpful in dealing with it...for what it's worth, you are not alone, and there are a lot of understanding, caring people here.

matoacalady 06/15/2015

Dear Carly.....I am very sorry for your loss. My Ben passed away this past Jan. of lung cancer. This journey is painful to be sure. I have cried for days on end and then have a good day.

There is no rhyme or reason for our emotional responses to things.....I entered grief therapy last week and really like my counselor....it will be a long and sometimes painful process.

The folks here are simply the best in the world. We will walk with you on this journey.
Hugs
Jen

dvelasco69 06/15/2015

Hi, Carly. I am sooo sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. My hubby died 12/14 from leukemia. I am also a mother of 3 and it is so overwhelming to deal with my own grief plus theirs. First fathers day coming up. Nobody agrees on how to spend the day. So stressful. Good luck.

npc4204 06/15/2015

Carly, I can only echo what the others have said. Your pain is so new and so raw. It takes time, lots of time. Take things day by day, hour by hour.
If you feel you need some help, call your doctor for an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety medication. Try to find a grief support group or a therapist.
But, please, remember to take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hugs,
Janie

Lisastp 06/16/2015

I am in awe of you and your husband for finding your way back to each other and it is so very sad that it was such a short reconciliation before he passed away. This site has helped me through many many rough days and lonely nights. Knowing that there are plenty of other people feeling just what you are feeling really does give you strength.

My wonderful husband passed away October 29, 2014 very suddenly the day after a heart attack at 51. Our youngest is going to graduate high school this Thursday evening. I know that it will be one of the most bittersweet moments of my life. I planning ahead to be a wreck. And I absolutely know what you are feeling because I lost my father when I was only 20, and I have four kids all around that age, losing their father, so I get it. Nothing else "grows you up" faster than losing a parent when you are still a kid. It's incredibly sad. But I believe love is forever, and my kids (and your kids) saw your love for each other and know that it is eternal.

carlycroch 06/16/2015

Thank you for all of the responses, in a strange way it helps to know you are not alone in your pain even though you hate that others have to experience such loss. I am no longer moving in the zombie like fashion of the first week but I do have to remind myself to breathe each moment. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

deleted_user 06/16/2015

Taking time to "breathe" is so important. I still work so I'd forget to breathe and caught myself having a panic attack a few times. Once I realized what was happening it was clear to me that I was trying to run on "auto-pilot" without stopping to think and "breathe!"

Now, when I find myself doing the "auto" thing I go outside, look up into the heavens and let myself cry and breathe!

Trying to be brave and stoic for everyone else does nothing for you! I promise you, you'll feel much better if you do take the time and allow yourself to "feel" and "breathe!"

Roz

vernman57 06/20/2015

I also am very sorry for what your having to go thru ,we found out she had cancer in liver lost her in jan 2015 the pain is still there and will always be there we still have so many good memories and that can never be taken away were all here to help each other.

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