I lost my life partner of 28 years in January. No, we weren't married but we never thought love required a piece of paper. When we actually would inform people "No, we're really not officially married", they would say "Huh" or "Why not?" The stock answer was "Well, he's already been married three times, so I figure he has lousy taste in women." DH (I always have and always will refer to him as my Dear Husband) would laugh and totally agree!

The back-story is we had a home-based business. We were together 24/7 most of those 28 years. We did, at one time, go on lengthy business trips, so one of us might be gone a week or two weeks or maybe even a month. After he died, it seemed that DH was just off on a business trip and he'd be coming back. The mind plays funny memory tricks to retain its sanity, I've discovered. Like clicking on my browser's bookmark to check FAA flight delays, even though he hadn't traveled in years. But when he was on a business trip, I'd do that umpteen times a day when the "coming home" flight was imminent.

I may not get past numb for a long time. Numb is how I have to survive every day. I still work in the same house, the same office space, eat in the same kitchen, sleep in the same bed, complete this current project using his copious handwritten notes on 357 sheets of 11 x17 sheets of paper, look at the same things every day. I don't have the luxury (not the right word, but I can't think of a better one) of "escaping".

I'm past having the energy to be angry (even though I am going to pursue a medical malpractice suit). I've mentally started thinking of anger as my anger pennies going into a piggy bank. I'm saving them up until it's the right time to use them/need them.

My biggest problem is having four times the amount of things that need to be done and just me to do it. And I CAN'T do some things he could do (electrical wiring is a good example). And no, I can't afford to pay someone to do it. I'm self-employed and totally on my own.

Business - he did what he was great at and I did what I was great at. We were a match made in heaven, because what he loved to do, I wasn't good at and disliked doing. And vice versa. Now I have to do it all. Even though I was never good at it and dislike it. But I CAN do it. But it's not fun.
House (Outside) - He would mow the lawn, trim the trees, take care of the garden, fix stuff. Now it's just me.
House (Inside) - He was going to do a lot of home renovation himself (with me as another set of hands) because he officially retired in October. He was a superb woodworker and carpenter. Now it's just me.
Administrator of the Estate - Don't even get me started on the paperwork, appointments, etc. for time and mental energy it takes to deal with that.

Business clients have been incredibly supportive and have given me a lot of "don't worry about the missed deadlines - we understand" but that won't cut it much longer. It has been four months which is a long time from their perspective, but you all know that's nothin' for the grieving process.

Sorry about the rambling post, but I really have no one to help me. We didn't have children. My sibling has been incredibly supportive, but he has a life, too. Neighbors? We were casual friendly, and they all said the usual "If you need anything, just call" but they work outside jobs, so they are not available during the day. Or I have to work around their schedule. It's too much of a scheduling hassle.

Not asking for answers because there aren't any. Just feeling overwhelmed by the tasks I face every day, and it frankly helps to type it out rather than smash glasses (which I did a few weeks ago because I have wanted to get rid of them for years, and then they went to recycle).

I hate not having anything to look forward to or having "fun". There is no joy or fun in being totally alone.