Hi Sarah and welcome to the club that no one wants to join. First let me say that I am very sorry about your husband. I lost mine 11 weeks ago to cancer.........I watched him suffer and die and that experience will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I am glad you found this site......you are among people who understand what you are going through. Sylvia

Sarah, being lost is where you are because it's very overwhelming and there's so many emotions going on. Every day brings new feelings and we need to address them all as they appear. We will get through this together. Sharon

Yes Lost and shock are the initial state .. Try to drink as much water as you can , skipping meal is ok but take a little food .you will get the strength you never believed you had , my experience . If just comes automatically . Take care and we all are here

I too just joined this group and I lost my husband of age 30 only a month ago. Please feel free to reach out to me.

Sarah,

I just joined this group too. Lost my dear husband to esophageal cancer 3 wks ago. Even though we knew his time was going to be limited, I wasn't ready for him to go. Didn't expect it to be so soon.
I feel guilty....does anyone else feel this......that I didn't know he was going to die that Monday morning and I didn't hold him close prior to his passing.......missing him so much.

I am a new widow to the group as well, I lost my dear husband on September 8th 2016, due to cancer, it has turned my world completely upside down. I like it here with this group, I feel these people know exactly how I feel and what I am going through, I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. Good luck and God speed upon you

I am so sorry that you have lost your love. My husband passed away 13 months ago and I know the feeling of being lost. You really can only take one day at a time and even that can be overwhelming for a long time. Just try to remain in the present and keep yourself distracted with good things that help you such as walking, watching movies, journaling. Bereavement groups may be helpful. This is such a good place for you to know that others understand and have somehow survived. God Bless and I wish you peace on your journey.

Thanks everyone. It's a hell no one can understand unless they have also lost the love of their life. I feel like I died with him in a weird way. I truly wish I had. I recently went to the dentist and they did a panoramic x-ray (I've never had one before) and the dentist spotted a weird spot in my jaw up by my ear. He said it was probably a tooth bud and nothing to worry about. I found myself wishing it was a cancerous tumor. I'd opt out of treatment and let it take my life so I can be with my husband. I was disappointed when he said it wasn't anything to worry about. A month ago, I was careless and cut a guy off on the freeway. He followed me off the freeway and got out of his car once we were stopped at a light. He walked up to my window and screamed at me. I felt nothing. I wasn't scared, annoyed, upset, or anything. I apologized for being an asshole and cutting him off, it was a mistake. He finally got back in his car and I went about my day. That's never happened to me before and I should have been terrified of him but I just didn't care. That's where my mental state is right now. I'm not suicidal but I would be thrilled if I could get hit by a bus or something. Anything to take me out of my misery and reunite me with my guy.

We weren't able to have children and I'm disabled so I can't work. For the majority of my life, I'm stuck in bed. I truly don't have anything to contribute to the world. I don't have a future. That's why my user name is Stuck in the Waiting Room. My life has become me, waiting by myself for my turn to die. I could have decades of laying in my bed, doing nothing ahead of me. What kind of an existence is that? I feel like I'm a loser for things I can't control. I used to have so much to live for. My husband, my career, the prospect of becoming a mother, hobbies, friends, family, travel, and more. I had so many dreams for my life. Then, my body decided to put a stop to everything. With my husband, I could handle it. With him, it didn't matter. I was still happy because I was spending my days with my best friend. Our life was quiet and simple since we couldn't have children but it was ours and we loved it. Without him, I have nothing left and it is absolute hell. The only widows I know are older. I can't relate to them. Being a young, disabled, childless widow has put me in a strange category that no one in my life can understand. I've become the person everyone feels sorry for and no one knows how to talk to me after they've given their condolences. I want to shake them and tell them that I'm not what I look like on the outside. I'm not the fat, homely, sad woman who lives alone and never leaves the house. I used to be active, decent looking, ambitious, friendly, and fun. I was just like everyone else. Losing my husband and being disabled has taken my identity and I don't recognize myself anymore.

I should stop babbling now. I haven't slept yet (does anyone else have a hard time sleeping alone) and I should try to sleep again.

Thanks for the warm welcome.