Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am going to start this out with an apology because it will be long. I had written Meredith a letter that I never got to give or read to her. I need to put it somewhere and I figure here is as good as anywhere. So please forgive me in advance.
I am sitting here at this computer trying to figure out how to express my feelings and emotions in a way that people can understand. I have lived my life always in reflection, looking at the past to measure where I am today. I have found out something major recently that I should have learned a long time ago, by spending my time looking in the past I was missing the present.
As if to prove to myself that the past was too important I neglected what really was happening and now I sit blindsided and scared. I have been married for 15 years, like any marriage we have had our ups and our downs. We love each other and we love our children but we are not perfect, not by any means imaginable. Looking back, I see all the opportunities I missed when I was on the road, the grade school plays, the concerts and even just the time I missed. As I looked back I did my best this year to make memories with my family. To make my kids see how sorry I was and that I do love them.
What I missed looking at the forest of the past was my wife having more pain and getting weaker. I missed her request for a backrub cause her shoulder was hurting. I missed her request to lay her head on my shoulder when she was tired. I may have done all the actions she requested but I was too busy looking back to see what was happening. Well the present has caught up smacked me for not paying attention and is now dangling our future on the end of a word.
On December 6th 2015 Meredith took herself to the emergency room for chest pain. She told me and just as always I said you will be fine it is probably anxiety, keep me updated but I am at work and need to stay focused here. Those words sit as a bitter pill in my mouth as I look now knowing that they seemed uncaring. Two hours later I get a call telling me they are taking her back for a CT Scan as they believe she has a blood clot in the lower portion of her right lung. This got my attention and I left work immediately.
The CT Scan showed no signs of a blood clot but there were unusual masses on her liver. Next thing I know she is being admitted to the hospital and the floor of my world dropped out. What are these masses, how many are there on her liver, what is going to happen from here? These are all things that started going through my head. I once again went to my past back to being a Paramedic and looked at all the information at hand and had a pretty good idea where we were headed but did not want to say anything.
The morning of the 7th brought another CT scan focused more on her abdomen this time and more masses were found. Doctors are coming and going everyone careful in how or what they say. Pouring just enough water on the garden of thoughts I had already seeded in my head but no one ever saying the word. The word, why is it that it is so scary it is just a word yet it changes your life so dramatically.
The morning of the 8th yet another CT this time it is used as a guided biopsy of the masses in her liver. Doctors come and go nurses are all so nice and polite and sympathetic but no one says the word. I already know what is coming, the dancing around is already verifying my suspicions. On Wednesday she is being sent home with no official answer just the knowledge that they will see us Friday morning in the Doctors office to go over the biopsy results.
The time has arrived we are at the doctors office on Friday and the test results are about to be revealed. John the DNA tests show you are not the fatherno I only wish they were that simple. Meredith the masses on your liver are Metastatic Small Cell Carcinoma. There it is officially Cancer; the word has finally been said. I was right yet my guilt is more than I know what to do with. Why did I not see the signs? Why was I too busy looking at the past to see the present, to see her? Does this make me less of a person or less of a husband?
Yeah I know your wife is dealing with cancer and youre asking yourself a bunch of stupid questions. Yes, sorry my mind works in overdrive even if my body does not. I have never been able to stop this, I am thinking in the past and about the future seeing the present and debating Socrates in my head. It is just how my mind works. What else am I to do, the doctor told us You have cancer and our next step is to get you into an oncologist. You will see her next Friday. A WEEK wait WHAT??????
Nothing anyone can do I go to work for the week and to be honest my heart was not there. I felt out of place I barely knew what was going on. This time of year is normally my favorite of the year. I love Christmas, I cant wait each year for Thanksgiving to pass so I can become Santa John. The guy who does not let his spirit get down who tries to show others what the season is for. Yeah well Ebenezer came out this year, I just did not care. I listen to people complain about how their life is over cause their stupid phone does not work and I am looking at them wanting to scream. Alas the thoughts in my head stay there and I try to allow the normal me out.
Thank God it is Friday the 18th of December and it is time to meet the oncologist. What we find out is that she is treatable but not curable short of God declaring her cured. Now we have more tests and surgery to get taken care of in the days leading up to Christmas and before she starts chemo on December 29, 2015.
The morning of the PET scan my nerves are on a hyper edge and I am unable to calm down. She is having the PET scan today and the surgery immediately after. Is the table for the scan comfortable, is she hurting, does she need me near her even though they wont let me back there? Oh you caught on there did you, my questions were not about me but about her as I sat in the waiting room with our Pastor. Looking strong on the outside but on the inside I was a terrified 2-year-old boy lost in a shopping mall.
The PET scan is done and time for surgery so upstairs we go. People come and go in the waiting room as she is taken back for prep and then off to surgery. The surgery is over and the surgeon comes out to talk with me. His head is low his eyes do not make contact. Idle chit chat occurs till the meat of the situation appears. Nothing official is said but more water was poured on the garden. She has a long uphill battle, there is more than we knew. The phrase is said quickly, so quickly it is almost missed but my mind replays things over and over and over again. He lets me know he has been praying for my wife since he found the masses almost two weeks ago and that he will continue to pray for her.
Speaking with Pastor I discuss what was said and what it meant to me. It is decided this information is not to be told to Meredith in order for her to enjoy Christmas as best as she can. No extra worries on her mind, nope they are all in my mind. Christmas Eve comes and off to the hospital we go for the Brain MRI to see if there is Cancer on her brain.
Back on Tuesday (PET Scan day) Meredith started having increasing pain. She moans during the night in pain and cannot really find a comfortable spot to sleep. I started watching her through the night while she slept, of course this means I was not sleeping. This is minor to me if I can make her sleep in peace that is all that matters. Christmas day arrives and my plan is for her to have the best day ever. There I go planning again when do I learn my plans are nothing. She was in pain the whole day, cold sweats laying on my moms sofa with a pillow in her side. Barely moving and I have to sit in the kitchen among family staying strong for her and the kids. Why do I have to stay strong well that is easy I am the only one in the house who knows she has more cancer than originally known and if I break everyone else will know. Merry Christmas she has Cancer throughout her whole body, this was going to do no one any good. So strong I stay, cry I must not, it is not allowed even if my world is falling apart.
How can ones world fall apart if they are not the sick person? That is easy she is falling and she is my world. Everything I have done in our 15 years of marriage has been for the purpose of Meredith. To give her this or that, to take her here or there. To show her she is my world even when I lose sight and look back for too long. She is my best friend and the love of my life, the mother of our children, a daughter, a sister. To quote a song that I love to sing to Meredith Id go hungry, Id go black and blue. Id go crawling down the avenue. Theres nothing that I wouldnt do. To make you feel my love.
Ok Christmas weekend is over Monday December 28th has come. We are back at the oncologist for all the test results and chemo prep. MRI is clean no Cancer on her brain for now. AMEN! Now time to discuss the PET scan which I have already known about. She has cancer throughout her body in her bones and it is spreading. I sit and act shocked in front of my wife cause how do I explain I have known this information for a week. But as the song says I would do anything, this includes hiding information from her and in the car confessing that I have known for the last week. Admitting to her that I have been lying to her because the pain of hiding it is worse than the pain of telling her. The look of a trust was gone from her face for a moment and I almost lost it. Then like she understood she smiled and said SHMILY. SHMILY, See How Much I Love You, it is what we say to each other all the time.
It is now 2:11 AM on December 29, 2015 and we are 6 hours from her first chemo treatment and I sit here typing on a computer releasing my emotions while I sing to the songs playing in my head set. The song I sang to her at our wedding just started playing and I am now crying nearly uncontrollably.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I, I will be here.
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear,
'Cause I, I will be here.
I will be here
When you feel like being quiet,
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen,
And I will be here,
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winnin', losin', and tryin',
We'll be together,
'Cause, I will be here.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I, I will be here.
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years
So, I, I will be here.
I will be here,
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you,
And I will be here,
To watch you grow in beauty and
Tell you all the things you are to me,
'Cause, I will be here.
I will be true to the promise
I have made
To you and to the one who gave you to me
I, I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I, I will be here,
We'll be together,
I will be here.
These were my vows to you back on our wedding day, and they still mean the same to me today. God gave me you and I made a promise to Him to always care for you. So now our future is unclear I will be here.
I am sitting here at this computer trying to figure out how to express my feelings and emotions in a way that people can understand. I have lived my life always in reflection, looking at the past to measure where I am today. I have found out something major recently that I should have learned a long time ago, by spending my time looking in the past I was missing the present.
As if to prove to myself that the past was too important I neglected what really was happening and now I sit blindsided and scared. I have been married for 15 years, like any marriage we have had our ups and our downs. We love each other and we love our children but we are not perfect, not by any means imaginable. Looking back, I see all the opportunities I missed when I was on the road, the grade school plays, the concerts and even just the time I missed. As I looked back I did my best this year to make memories with my family. To make my kids see how sorry I was and that I do love them.
What I missed looking at the forest of the past was my wife having more pain and getting weaker. I missed her request for a backrub cause her shoulder was hurting. I missed her request to lay her head on my shoulder when she was tired. I may have done all the actions she requested but I was too busy looking back to see what was happening. Well the present has caught up smacked me for not paying attention and is now dangling our future on the end of a word.
On December 6th 2015 Meredith took herself to the emergency room for chest pain. She told me and just as always I said you will be fine it is probably anxiety, keep me updated but I am at work and need to stay focused here. Those words sit as a bitter pill in my mouth as I look now knowing that they seemed uncaring. Two hours later I get a call telling me they are taking her back for a CT Scan as they believe she has a blood clot in the lower portion of her right lung. This got my attention and I left work immediately.
The CT Scan showed no signs of a blood clot but there were unusual masses on her liver. Next thing I know she is being admitted to the hospital and the floor of my world dropped out. What are these masses, how many are there on her liver, what is going to happen from here? These are all things that started going through my head. I once again went to my past back to being a Paramedic and looked at all the information at hand and had a pretty good idea where we were headed but did not want to say anything.
The morning of the 7th brought another CT scan focused more on her abdomen this time and more masses were found. Doctors are coming and going everyone careful in how or what they say. Pouring just enough water on the garden of thoughts I had already seeded in my head but no one ever saying the word. The word, why is it that it is so scary it is just a word yet it changes your life so dramatically.
The morning of the 8th yet another CT this time it is used as a guided biopsy of the masses in her liver. Doctors come and go nurses are all so nice and polite and sympathetic but no one says the word. I already know what is coming, the dancing around is already verifying my suspicions. On Wednesday she is being sent home with no official answer just the knowledge that they will see us Friday morning in the Doctors office to go over the biopsy results.
The time has arrived we are at the doctors office on Friday and the test results are about to be revealed. John the DNA tests show you are not the fatherno I only wish they were that simple. Meredith the masses on your liver are Metastatic Small Cell Carcinoma. There it is officially Cancer; the word has finally been said. I was right yet my guilt is more than I know what to do with. Why did I not see the signs? Why was I too busy looking at the past to see the present, to see her? Does this make me less of a person or less of a husband?
Yeah I know your wife is dealing with cancer and youre asking yourself a bunch of stupid questions. Yes, sorry my mind works in overdrive even if my body does not. I have never been able to stop this, I am thinking in the past and about the future seeing the present and debating Socrates in my head. It is just how my mind works. What else am I to do, the doctor told us You have cancer and our next step is to get you into an oncologist. You will see her next Friday. A WEEK wait WHAT??????
Nothing anyone can do I go to work for the week and to be honest my heart was not there. I felt out of place I barely knew what was going on. This time of year is normally my favorite of the year. I love Christmas, I cant wait each year for Thanksgiving to pass so I can become Santa John. The guy who does not let his spirit get down who tries to show others what the season is for. Yeah well Ebenezer came out this year, I just did not care. I listen to people complain about how their life is over cause their stupid phone does not work and I am looking at them wanting to scream. Alas the thoughts in my head stay there and I try to allow the normal me out.
Thank God it is Friday the 18th of December and it is time to meet the oncologist. What we find out is that she is treatable but not curable short of God declaring her cured. Now we have more tests and surgery to get taken care of in the days leading up to Christmas and before she starts chemo on December 29, 2015.
The morning of the PET scan my nerves are on a hyper edge and I am unable to calm down. She is having the PET scan today and the surgery immediately after. Is the table for the scan comfortable, is she hurting, does she need me near her even though they wont let me back there? Oh you caught on there did you, my questions were not about me but about her as I sat in the waiting room with our Pastor. Looking strong on the outside but on the inside I was a terrified 2-year-old boy lost in a shopping mall.
The PET scan is done and time for surgery so upstairs we go. People come and go in the waiting room as she is taken back for prep and then off to surgery. The surgery is over and the surgeon comes out to talk with me. His head is low his eyes do not make contact. Idle chit chat occurs till the meat of the situation appears. Nothing official is said but more water was poured on the garden. She has a long uphill battle, there is more than we knew. The phrase is said quickly, so quickly it is almost missed but my mind replays things over and over and over again. He lets me know he has been praying for my wife since he found the masses almost two weeks ago and that he will continue to pray for her.
Speaking with Pastor I discuss what was said and what it meant to me. It is decided this information is not to be told to Meredith in order for her to enjoy Christmas as best as she can. No extra worries on her mind, nope they are all in my mind. Christmas Eve comes and off to the hospital we go for the Brain MRI to see if there is Cancer on her brain.
Back on Tuesday (PET Scan day) Meredith started having increasing pain. She moans during the night in pain and cannot really find a comfortable spot to sleep. I started watching her through the night while she slept, of course this means I was not sleeping. This is minor to me if I can make her sleep in peace that is all that matters. Christmas day arrives and my plan is for her to have the best day ever. There I go planning again when do I learn my plans are nothing. She was in pain the whole day, cold sweats laying on my moms sofa with a pillow in her side. Barely moving and I have to sit in the kitchen among family staying strong for her and the kids. Why do I have to stay strong well that is easy I am the only one in the house who knows she has more cancer than originally known and if I break everyone else will know. Merry Christmas she has Cancer throughout her whole body, this was going to do no one any good. So strong I stay, cry I must not, it is not allowed even if my world is falling apart.
How can ones world fall apart if they are not the sick person? That is easy she is falling and she is my world. Everything I have done in our 15 years of marriage has been for the purpose of Meredith. To give her this or that, to take her here or there. To show her she is my world even when I lose sight and look back for too long. She is my best friend and the love of my life, the mother of our children, a daughter, a sister. To quote a song that I love to sing to Meredith Id go hungry, Id go black and blue. Id go crawling down the avenue. Theres nothing that I wouldnt do. To make you feel my love.
Ok Christmas weekend is over Monday December 28th has come. We are back at the oncologist for all the test results and chemo prep. MRI is clean no Cancer on her brain for now. AMEN! Now time to discuss the PET scan which I have already known about. She has cancer throughout her body in her bones and it is spreading. I sit and act shocked in front of my wife cause how do I explain I have known this information for a week. But as the song says I would do anything, this includes hiding information from her and in the car confessing that I have known for the last week. Admitting to her that I have been lying to her because the pain of hiding it is worse than the pain of telling her. The look of a trust was gone from her face for a moment and I almost lost it. Then like she understood she smiled and said SHMILY. SHMILY, See How Much I Love You, it is what we say to each other all the time.
It is now 2:11 AM on December 29, 2015 and we are 6 hours from her first chemo treatment and I sit here typing on a computer releasing my emotions while I sing to the songs playing in my head set. The song I sang to her at our wedding just started playing and I am now crying nearly uncontrollably.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I, I will be here.
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear,
'Cause I, I will be here.
I will be here
When you feel like being quiet,
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen,
And I will be here,
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winnin', losin', and tryin',
We'll be together,
'Cause, I will be here.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I, I will be here.
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years
So, I, I will be here.
I will be here,
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you,
And I will be here,
To watch you grow in beauty and
Tell you all the things you are to me,
'Cause, I will be here.
I will be true to the promise
I have made
To you and to the one who gave you to me
I, I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I, I will be here,
We'll be together,
I will be here.
These were my vows to you back on our wedding day, and they still mean the same to me today. God gave me you and I made a promise to Him to always care for you. So now our future is unclear I will be here.
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Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...
We have to give ourselves a break as your wife and my wife would. I am certain that it this were reversed they would feel the exact same way we are. But the bottom line is that we are only human and can only do the best we can thru this life. I am sure your wife knew just how much you loved her and still do as does mine and they would want us to keep moving forward. Just remember God knows us and he gave you and me great women to take care of until it was time for them to come home where they will be when you and I both will one day. God bless my friend.
Peace, Tim
Please believe me when I tell you your guilt is unnecessary. If I may, I'll relate something similar that happened in my situation.
MaryLou and I had the conversation many times over the years, where we promised each other that we would not allow the other to linger on life support...if that was the only thing that was keeping one of us alive, the other should do the merciful thing, out of love...and pull the plug.
In May 2015, MaryLou came out of a double-bypass with flying colors...walking the halls, eating solid food, the whole nine.
But that only lasted for about a week. One complication after another...oxygen levels dropping, the B-pap mask, a thoracotomy operation to remove blood from the lungs, renal failure, dialysis,
the breathing tube.
After a week and they were getting no stimulii response, an MRI disclosed a ruptured aneurism in the brain, and atropied neural tissue...and she had no hope of ever regaining consciousness.
My worst nightmare came round-to-roost. With the support of our three daughters, I kept my promise, and pulled the plug. MaryLou
departed for the spirit realm on June 12, 2015.
For about a month, I agonized about not leaving her on the life support just over the weekend (the 12th was a Friday), and just spending that weekend praying our hearts out for one final miracle.
I found out over time that I was the only one who felt that was, and everyone, including the doctors, said I did the right thing.
There is still a part of me that has doubts..."what-if"...but everyone assured me over and over that I did nothing wrong...and I am even starting to believe that MaryLou agrees with what I did from Heaven.
One way or another, there is nothing to be gained by holding on to my guilt...or you with your guilt.
Let your journey begin, to learn to know her Spirit. When you are laying in bed at night, and you feel like you can hear her voice, make no mistake, you are being visited.
I can tell you are a good man, and you love her more than your own life...I know it when I see it! Partner, she is always with you.
I can tell your wife and you share a strong Faith in Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus died on The Cross and was resurrected from the dead...to show the world that when we leave this life...it is not the end...it is the beginning.
Stay rock-solid with your Faith in Jesus. Your wife is in Heaven waiting for you.
Every day I pray to Our Lord to provide for MaryLou, Safety, Comfort, Happiness, and Freedom. Some day you will be there to share it with her, and that will be eternity.
Don't let anybody with too much "common sense" tell you otherwise.
God Keep your wife and you...Go With God, my brother.
I responded to your other post before reading your letter
that she never got to read. I did not know the details of
the loss of your wife.
I won't go into detail at this point but my wife had been
through a double bypass the year before. She was
feeling fine for the longest and we had even traveled
on a long trip together and all was great. Then, she
went to visit her family and returned very tired. That
was not unusual but I told her to make an appointment
with her doctor just to be on the safe side and she did.
She passed without warning a couple of days before the appointment. The nightmare of this journey began.
So, I have a massive stack of " should haves " and
" what ifs " and " could haves " and endless prayers for
her forgiveness and His forgiveness for failing her. My
head / brain tells me I didn't fail her as I could not have
identified the problem that took her but my heart tells
me differently and it is a constant battle. .
I would have preferred that He had spared her and taken
me but the one great thing she was terrified of in life was
my death and leaving her behind. I try to stay focused on
her great fear throughout every day. She will not have to
go through this grief journey and, God willing and if all
goes as planned, I shall see her again.
I have read your letter three times. You did the best you
could but it was a situation beyond your control. It is
going to be more important than ever to focus on the love
the two of you had for each other and the happy memories
in the life you shared. You still have that love for her and I
have no doubt she still has it for you. The next time you see
her, she will not be in pain and will be waiting for you to arrive
with open arms.
Darrell
I wish you comfort for your loss and your family. Hugs